When a good thing just can’t be good---sabotaging relationships.

You’re probably reading that headline and saying ‘what? I would NEVER sabotage my relationship! I love my shmoopy bear!!’ Well to you I say, that’s all well and good, shmoopy…but sometimes you just can’t help it.  You see, dear star-crossed lover, we all carry baggage with us from previous relationships, even if we do not want to. 

Every date you have gone on, every person you have kissed, every relationship you have had [from start to finish] has impacted you.  That’s not to say each impact is permanent, or at the same intensity, but in some small way, it affects you.  Every relationship we form (platonic or romantic) is a learning experience.  It teaches us about ourselves just as much as it teaches us about others.  So when we end a relationship, no matter how amicably, we do get a small scar from them to be wary of the next time . . . Think of it like a badge of honor. 

There are some things you just have to go through to be able to complain about and really figure out what you want.  Breakups, for example, are one of those things.  Once you experience a breakup, good or bad, it will change you for each relationship to come.  Better or worse, your ex has a lot more power over you than you think, and you over them [if you played your cards right].  Yet, some people get so scorned in the past that their scars are much bigger and more malicious than others.

Speaking solely for myself, I know that my past relationships weren’t ideal.  There were a dozen things I would have done differently; things I should’ve compromised on, things I shouldn’t have tolerated, things that just didn’t matter.  These were things that have ruined [thankfully! No offense, fellas] my previous relationships, but helped me grow for the next time.  I went into this year knowing exactly what I wanted in a relationship, what I was willing to give, bring to the table, what I would compromise on, or ignore, or fight for, and what I would not possibly tolerate.  Needless to say, knowing what you want out of life and being so determined to make things work the way you want them to is one of the most intimidating and off putting attributes to have.  Woe is me. . . But, I digress.

Some people do all the right things the first time in their relationship.  They are the ideal significant other, thoughtful, caring, kind.  But still, some jerk comes and takes advantage of them and ruins them for the rest of us.  These are the scorned.  They believe that since they did all the right things and still got taken advantage of and hurt, that they will never let that happen again.  I agree, dear friend, I have been there, many ‘a time.  However, that is just as bad as being the perpetual idealist.

 If you shut everyone out, you’re robbing yourself of something beautiful.  You’re robbing yourself of love, happiness, a potential partnership, and of course, the opportunity to learn! 

I was always one to keep people at bay.  I figured it was easier to have someone at arms distance than to give them the consent and opportunity to rip your heart out.  I was a cynical and jaded youth, I’m over that now.  The point of love is giving someone the power to absolutely destroy you, but trusting them not to.  That is the fundamental of any relationship, Trust.  If there is no trust, there can be no relationship, that’s just a fact.

So for all the scorned lovers out there who do not trust anyone, it becomes a problem.  You want love, you may be open to the idea, heck, you may even go looking for it, but once you have it, you’re not quite sure what to do with it.  You’re like a kid catching butterflies.  Once you get one, you either hold it in your hand too tightly and kill it, or you hold it too loose and let it get away.  This is where the sabotage comes in.  You may not realize you’re doing it, Lord knows I never did, but they’re subconscious little decisions and actions---defense mechanisms.  You may not notice, but I bet you your partner does.  Self-sabotage is, I feel, one of the worst offenses.  You see, it is easy to be mad at someone else, but sooner or later you get over it.  Self-sabotage means you only have yourself to blame for losing [the potentially] great person in your life, so you will just beat yourself up about it and think of all the ‘could’ve, should’ve, would’ve’s in life. 

This is where the learning experience comes in.

You pushed someone away? So be it.  If you really feel it was meant to be, FIGHT FOR THEM.  If they were yours, the universe will have them coming back, with some effort on your part.  I guess what I’m really saying here is, don’t be afraid to make mistakes.  Make mistakes! Make a million different ones; just don’t make the same mistake twice.   Learn from every regret, there’s no point in dwelling on the past.  If you’re sorry, say it.  If you love someone, let them know.  Life is short.  It’s inevitable you are going to get hurt at some point in your life.  It happens, it’s life! But you need to put yourself out there anyway . . . the alternative is pretty lonely.  Don’t worry, saboteur, we all make mistakes, do/say things we don’t mean, don’t think of consequences, whatever.  The worst thing that can happen is your past continuously bites you in the ass and ruins all your future happiness; and let me tell you from experience, there are worse things in life.  Life’s not so bad.Get out of your head, step out of your own way, and just be happy with yourself and your decisions.  The right person will see this and they will treat you right.

Let people in, dear reader, because without other people, life is boring.  Just make sure who you are letting in and pouring your soul into is worth it.  There is no greater tragedy in life than giving your all to someone who would not give even half their soul to you.  But you will find that person, come hell or high water.  I’m still unsure if there is a ‘one’ for everyone, but everyone definitely gets a person(s).  Go out there and find your person, and when you do, make sure you give them your very best self and never regret a thing!