Don't Cry for me, New York City

Okay, blogfam, I have to be entirely honest right now, I have been holding out on you.  I know, I know, as a writer, I know every aspect of my life is fair game and story material, but this one needed some time to pass before it could be published. However, that being said, I promise you it is well worth the wait!  What is this illusively amazing story I’ve been keeping from you, you ask?  Well, it is only the BEST horrible dating story ever!!!

This is absolutely my ‘ace in the hole’ go-to story that I give when I tell people “yes, I am single.  Yes, dating in 2016 is scary.  Yes, I put myself out there. Yes, I go on horrible dates, I write a horrible dating blog.  Yes, I can top your bad date story. “ So, with all of that prologue, let’s get into it.

An undisclosed amount of time ago I met someone through a work function, and without knowing much about them, other than they were nice and seemingly efficient in a work environment, decided to give them a chance and go on a date. 

First, a few disclaimers:

1)      this man had zero social media footprint (which, let’s face it, in this day and age is a con. You are probably a serial killer.  Even my mom has a social media footprint!)

2)      I have way too big of a social media footprint.  I have since worked on decreasing it (successfully), but at the time it was a bit large, and I accept my responsibility in the events that unfolded.

2a) Social media really shouldn’t be taken seriously.  It is not real life.

3)      It has been a very long time since I was nervous/excited/anything more than apathetic for a date.

With that being put on the table, onwards I will go.  This date was made randomly a week in advanced and when the time came to it, I destroyed my entire closet looking for an outfit to wear.  Of course, after several hours and almost being late, my trusty group chat of girlfriends and I landed on a cute, weather appropriate outfit.  My friends took it as a good sign that I was unhappy with all of my outfit choices, because apparently that’s what girls who look forward to their dates go through; [I wouldn’t know.]  The first date consisted of dinner, drinks, and a lot of conversation.  I wasn’t entirely sold, but I wasn’t running for the hills either, so we all[1] thought this was hopeful and a good thing.   After my date I decided to go to my local watering hole, where my friends work, to discuss the events, giggle giddily and revel in the fact that I had already secured a second date for the following weekend. 

While I was at the bar talking to one of my friends some toolbox was harassing us and wouldn’t leave us alone.  So, in true Gabrielle fashion, I gave him my brother’s number and sent him on my way.  (Sorry, but isn’t that what having a brother is for? J) My main mistake here was that I put something on a social media outlet about having an interesting weekend of dates and giving someone a random number.  This was the kiss of death.  While I accept responsibility for being childish and posting that, who really takes social media seriously? Certainly any post on an obscure outlet in the wee hours of the night.

That being said, obviously “the dater” (don’t worry, he will get a better nickname later on) stumbled across this social media post, unbeknownst to me (not many of my real friends even knew about that account, which has since been deleted) and decided to ‘jokingly’ bring it up.  Granted, once we discussed it and explained that it was entirely a joke, I thought the issue was dead . . . boy, was I wrong.  The night before our date he called me up in a foul mood itching for a fight, then proceeded to send erratic text messages about how he was “hurt” and “faithful to our date” and “crying” because of this situation.  Now, I surely thought the latter bit must be an exaggeration, because there was certainly nothing to cry about, but I continued to entertain the berating until I didn’t.  At which point I politely explained that the conversation should be tabled before I said something to end the argument.

For the sake of saving time, I will skip to the day of the date where I didn’t want to go but I was basically guilted into going (see previous blog where healthy relationships don’t make you feel guilty.)  Against my better judgement, I went on the date.  I cared less about my outfit, but still made the effort, and of course all of my girlfriends were aware of the situation and ready to swoop in if I needed an escape route. I got to the date 10 minutes early, and he was already there on drink number 3…not a good sign.  It was so uncomfortable that, while we were waiting for our table, even the bartender made a comment about the awkward tension.  He also went on to describe his family member in a lewd way that made me extremely uncomfortable.  To add insult to injury, they sit us at this table that was smushed up against a window and another couple, and had to be pulled out for me to get in.  Talk about claustrophobic issues, that completely put a monkey wrench in any escape route plan.   Nothing about this date was going right.

The menu look-over was filled with awkward, forced conversation and we decided to forgo appetizers and just go straight to the meal. Everything seemed to be going fine enough (considering) although I was certain I did not want to pursue anything further post this meal. When, out of nowhere, he starts crying. CRYING. He was bawling; head down, tears on the table. I didn’t know what to do.  I stopped.  Mortified, everyone staring at me, I asked him what was wrong.  At this point, his head was in his hands, still facing the table, crying, and he said “I don’t know.  I’m upset.  Something you said in the past 5 minutes hurt my feelings.” I was apologizing profusely, although I had no idea what I said that was so awful, so I asked, to more genuinely apologize.  His response was “I don’t remember what you said.  I just.. I just really feel like you don’t like me.”  Now the whole restaurant is staring at me and I am just sitting there trying to a) plot my escape and b) reevaluate my life to figure out how I got to such a point.  But, after some reassurance, he immediately stopped crying and started grinning saying everything was “fine.”

That was the end of the crazy rollercoaster, I thought.  But alas, it was not.  After everything seemed fine, and we received the check, I hailed a cab, as the night was over.  Apparently that was the incorrect thing to do.  The Crier (obviously, the only acceptable nickname for the rest of his life) decided to start yelling at me for wanting to go home.  I don’t know who decided dates need to be a five-hour ordeal, but I think a dinner commitment is enough to end the night, even on a good date.  Getting into the cab ride was like the Valkyries coming to take me to Valhalla, I don’t ever think I have been so happy to get into a car in my life.  Yet, even after all of this awkwardness and general viciousness, the Crier still called me the next day to apologize and make another date.

Ladies and Gents, we all make mistakes here and there, but if you make such a disaster of a date/event/circumstance that you spend an entire weekend apologizing, just cut your losses.  You obviously burned that bridge, intentional or not.  Everyone is entitled to a mistake and forgiveness, but when you viciously attack someone, verbally or otherwise, relentlessly, do not expect a call back.  And that, my dear bloggers, is my ace-in-the-whole, a-team horribly dating story I have been keeping from you.  I hope you enjoyed it as much as I am hysterical laughing and crying simultaneously at the ridiculousness which is my dating life. Ha!  Hope you have better luck out there, daters.

Xoxo

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[1] We all, because everyone knows girls do not do anything without consulting their best friends. So pretty much if you’re dating me, know that all of your confusing texts are screenshotted and sent to 4 of my closest girl tribe.

Hunger Games 2016

My mother seems to think I’m joking when I compare dating in 2016 to the Hunger Games, but I’m sure my fellow singles can back me up. The dating scene is a giant competition while you’re also constantly avoiding crazies trying to kill you (or at least kill your vibe.) 

The issue that I find with the dating scene, is that it’s really confusing.  Dating in 2016 is based in ambiguity and apathy.  You’re never supposed to know where you stand with someone, the winner is whoever cares less, and if you do care about someone, you’re just supposed to play it off like you don’t.  If all of that isn’t bad enough, no one goes on dates anymore.  Everyone just asks each other to “hang out” so you’re constantly guessing if the person of your [secret] affection is interested in you romantically or just wants to be friends.  My PIC[1]and I started calling these kinds of ‘hang outs’ “Figs.”  Partially because of a meme we saw of two ants eating a piece of fruit and the female ant asks the boy ant “is this a date?” and he says “no, it’s a fig.” The other meaning I took out of it is also because you’re “FIGuring out” what it all means.  So with all of this confusion, not to mention “competing” with your own gender for other people’s affection, it’s no wonder I’m equating dating life to a hostile game-like environment. 

One of the things that really bothers me about dating nowadays, is that there is no consistency.  Since everyone is trying to be the most apathetic and not catch real feelings, there is all of these empty promises and plans, and ambiguous intentions.  Listen up, boys and girls, follow-through isn’t only for your golf stroke.  Call me old fashioned, but if I want to see someone, I make a definitive plan to do so.

I have been in this situation many times in the past month, where a guy asks me on a “fig” for a certain day, but then never follows up.  Why am I specifying that it’s a fig? Because Heaven forbid someone actually asks you on a date anymore.  What happened to the good ol’ days where someone says “hey, I like you and would like to take you out for dinner or drinks to get to know you better?”  Well apparently that doesn’t happen in 2016.  Instead, chivalry has been replaced with “we should get drinks on Friday” and then you never hear from them until after Friday with a “way to hang out.” Or an indefinite plan that get moved throughout the course of the day, slowly but eventually ending in it's cancellation.

What is up with that? How hard is it to be clear with your feelings and direct with your intentions? When did it become uncool to want to settle down?

I’m not sure if it’s my town or just the very large dating waters I’m wading in, but it appears men in their late twenties-mid thirties do not want to settle down.  Instead they want to continue this charade of unclear dating.  The real message I want to leave this blog with, is that if you want to stand out in the dating scene, be clear.  Make your intentions known.  Ask a potential paramour on a date directly, follow up with them that day by confirming, make a real plan, and be honest with your feelings. The flip-side to that is you don’t want to lay everything out all at once, maybe get to know the person before you start professing your undying love (another dating mishap I run into a lot.)  But there obviously has to be a middle ground.  I think more people should date out of feeling instead of obligation.  Not that a first date should be the most serious thing in the world, but it should be more exciting than just a plan you make to fill your calendar until something better comes along. 

There are so many trying and mediocre things in life, why should finding a mate be one of them? Dating is supposed to be the fun part.  So get out there, daters, and find your person.  You may need to kiss a lot of frogs before you find them, but make it known you will not settle for anything less than a real date and some certainty. 

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[1] If you don’t know, PIC stands for Partner In Crime, and mine happens to be Tara Lynn.

Learn from my Mistakes..

It is very easy to see a situation clear as day when you are on the outside of it.  For obvious reasons, when you are involved in the situation, you are too close and too filled with emotions to see subjectively.  But what happens when someone you love is in a terribly toxic relationship?  Sure, you can see it, maybe they will even listen to you and leave.  Many moons ago I was not in the healthiest of relationships, all of my friends and family saw it, voiced polite concerns, but it was only after I found my strength that I was able to completely remove myself from it.  Years later I have seen some of my friends go through similar situations, make the same excuses I did, justify and rationalize irrationalize behavior, and I just don’t get how they do not see it.  Everyone was so quick to see it with me, that I am so surprised that no one can see it for themselves.  But, with that in mind, I decided to help y’all make lemonade from my lemons, and compile an obvious list.

Love shouldn’t be isolating- There is no reason why you get into a relationship and suddenly disappear off the face of the earth.  Sure, you see people less, as you factor in a new person (timesuck) into your life, but you shouldn’t suddenly stop texting/talking to your friends and family altogether.

Love shouldn’t change you- Again, everyone changes a little bit in relationships, but this isn’t Runaway Bride, you should be confident in yourself enough to know what your bad habits are and only change those.  I mean, if you get into a relationship and that person suddenly starts changing everything about you (slowly, of course, that’s how control is kept..) you should really question their motives; why did they fall in love with you in the first place if they’re now trying to change everything?

YOU CANNOT MAKE HOMES OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE- I really cannot stress this one enough. You CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT use people as an escape.  Again, love and relationships of any kind are supposed to enhance you.  They are supposed to bring out the very best of who you are, and the potential you can reach. You need to love and respect yourself [even a little bit] before anyone else can.  No one's love for you will replace an empty void if you don't love yourself.

Everyone is born with Free Will. Don’t ever let someone take that away from you- Short of addiction, murder and breaking the law, you should be able to make any choice you want to with your life.  A relationship should never dictate whom you can speak to, what you can wear, what you can post on social media, or even what you eat.  This all sounds crazy and obvious, but there are sociopaths out there in the dating pool that so subtly suggest and change these things about you, in a toxic relationship, in such a way that you won’t even realize they’re trying to control you, not trying to help.

Love doesn’t feel guilty-  No relationship should ever manipulate your feelings, that isn’t love! If you do something wrong and you feel guilty for it, that’s justified.  However, if someone constantly attacks everything you do and makes you feel guilty about something that no normal person would feel bad about, that is a control tactic and not okay.

At the end of the day, you cannot help who you fall in love with, and only you know what you can and will tolerate.  But just know that no one ever deserves to feel victimized in a relationship.  No one should ever be punished or isolated or feel like they are alone and it is just their relationship and no one else in the world.  That isn’t love. 

My freshman year of college my psychology professor said sociopaths isolate you from your friends and family and that is how they ensure you will never leave them, because where else would you have to go?  That lesson has stuck with me for a very long time, and seeing people close to me go through it, it breaks my heart.  So if my silly little bullet point blog could help even one person to an epiphany, that will be worth it to me. 

Know your worth, know your circle is always there for you, and know you deserve love.  Never settle, never lose your identity, and know you are never too far to come back.

xoxo

Don't Be A Jerk.

The title of this blogticle should be common sense, however, it unfortunately is not so common, so I would be remiss if I didn't write about it.

As children we are taught that if someone is pulling your pigtails or pushing you face down in the sandbox, they like you.  I would like to know who started that rumor because that is straight up bologna.  No matter what stage of life you are in, if someone is pushing you face first down a slide, whether it be the metaphorical slide of life or an actual slide in your preschool's playground . . . well that that, my friend, is a classic jerk and you need to keep it moving immediately.  I have no tolerance for mean, nasty or hateful people.  Sure, you can get away with it as a kid, because you don't know any better and also with every toddler's parental unit saying 'don't worry, sweetie, he chopped the hair on your barbie because he likes you,' it is easy to get a skewed notion of affection.

Yet as we all delve into the murky water of adulthood, you would think you gain some epiphanic clarity on how flirting and dating really works, right? WRONG.  As I am sure you have figured out, dearest readers, despite my hiatus, my blog does not work if people knew how to behave and date like adults.  Obviously if that were the case, I would have absolutely nothing to write about! Okay, well maybe that isn't entirely true, surely I would find something, but aren't my horrific dating stories so much more interesting?

Anyway, I digress.  The point of the matter is, that even wading through the late 20s-30s dating pool, I am finding a lot of playground bullies.  So my message to you is, DON'T BE A JERK.  It really should not come as a shock, but 'nice guys' do not indeed finish last.  They finish first; as CEOs who live in beautiful houses in Westchester with white picket fences, 2.5 kids, a great dane and wives who are badass women enough to do whatever they want.  So all of this 'I have to be a jerk because girls don't like nice guys' I say to you, 'you're right.'  Girls do not like nice guys, girls do not like guys, they like boys; girls are immature, it is women who like men and nice, respectful, chivalrous men.

I recently went out to my local watering hole for a 'Sunday Funday' and ran into a gentleman (ha!) whom I have met several times, has asked for my number but never used it.  No problem! I know I am not everyone's cup of tea, I also know that every time he has asked for my number he has been extremely ossified, so either way, no skin off my nose.  So when I bumped into him mildly sober on the Sunday in question and he was being his  charming  self, I figured I would give him another chance.  Because sure, he was handsome, has a good job, aesthetically pleasing, there was just one problem . . . Every single time he opened his mouth, I wanted to punch him.  I don't mean that to be funny or cute or give myself street cred, I mean he was so incredibly offensive, gauche and repugnant, being in his presence was painful.  For reasons that will not be clear to you, I will refer to this . . . . boy. . . from here on out as Jack Tripper.

Amid the revelry of Sunday Funday, Jack was trying his hardest to get to know me; asking the usual questions of 'where do you live?' 'what do you do for a living?'  After explaining that I work for a fortune 500 company, he immediately made a face and then goes 'what do you do there? I can't believe they would let you work there with your hair.'  I should preface with saying my present hair color is not my natural hair color, it isn't even a natural hair color color, however it is not an abnormal hair color.  My hair right now is a mix of auburn and straight red.  Not offensive, not over the top, not fire engine red, just a bit of a black cherry, if you will.  I have done this hair color since I was in college (many moons ago) and I have never had the rude reaction that he gave me.  The school girl in me thought maybe he was joking and I continued to stay in the conversation, delicately dodging backhanded compliments.

After he tried to invite himself over to my home I figured it was a good time as any to remove myself from the situation, guilt-free.  Several days later, he texted me a 'hey stranger' (every creep's go-to winter move) to see what I was doing that night if he would run into me at the bar.  I invited him out to where my friends and I were going and he said he already had plans of being there, so he would meet me there.  After he texted me asking my ETA, to which I responded, I got to the bar to notice he was talking to another woman.  No problem! Everyone does what is best for them, and it was discovered very early on this man did nothing for me.  I proceeded to party with my friends and laugh as we watched him hit on every female in the bar to no avail and depart alone. Of course we had some mild interaction to which he made a complete fool of himself, but that gave my friends and I tons to giggle about for the rest of the night, so we were fine there.

The next day I get a whole long text from Jack saying how embarrassed and sorry he is and how he would like to meet for coffee, but then plans with his brother suddenly pop up.  I tell him he should make plans for a proper date and he agrees.  Of course nothing comes to fruition, and I am surely not going to waste my time pursuing some manchild.  Weeks go by and I am out watching football with a very fun date, and who walks in the bar? Jack Tripper with a few of my old acquaintances in tow.  Despite all of his friends coming up to greet my date and myself, he swears he does not see me; avoids eye contact like his life depends on it, positions himself near us but not too close, orders drinks right next to us but never looks in our direction.  All very natural.  But when he goes to the bathroom as I am talking to my date and one of his friends he grabs my side and keeps walking, as to acknowledge me but nonchalantly.  Eyeroll.  Let us be very clear, ladies and gentlemen, when you are over the age of 25, it is time to stop playing and worrying about being 'cool' or what you look like, and just go for what you want.

After the games concluded my date and I decide to leave, so I say goodbye to everyone I knew in the bar, including Jack Tripper.  My mother raised me to be a polite person, and I have no history with this man, so in my mind, why would it be awkward? As I go to say goodbye he makes snarky comments like 'have fun' and 'look at you, playa' and then proceeded to inundate me with text messages about how we didn't go on a date because I am already on one.

Readers, if you did not read that last statement in a stupefied shock then I am sad you meet more crazy men than me!  The problem is that everyone thinks they are God's gift to the world, and all they need to do is show up and people will love them no matter what they do.  I'm sorry, but for anyone short of your mother, that is not the case.  Getting people to like you as a potential paramour takes effort, it does not just happen because it's winter and you're lonely and they seem like a good enough option.

I could not understand why Jack was being such a jack-ass (see what I did there??) and complaining about me being on a date even though he was insanely rude when I did see him out.  Then I remembered the story of the playground.  Children get taught that it is okay to behave that way if you like someone.  These are the girls and boys in the dating pool.  They are the guppies in the pond.  Do not waste your time with them, strive for the men and women who bring something to the table.  Strive to be the significant other that makes their paramour a better human, and someone that does not need to vie for attention.

So, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for waiting for my long overdue blog.  Thank you for reading this long convoluted story to get to the bottom of the PSA, don't be a jerk.  And above all, thank you for making all of my horrible dates worth it.

Stay safe out there, daters, and avoid the guppies!

Xoxo