It’s going down, I’m yelling TINDER.

For those of you who do not know, Tinder is the newest dating site craze.  It connects with your Facebook to upload a few of your most recent profile pictures, as well as connects you to friends of friends that are single and within your dating parameters.  That is probably the best feature of the app, because you never know what cuties your friends are hoarding away from you.  Another positive feature of the app is that people can only message you if you are mutually interested, and vice versa.  The glitch in the matrix there, however,  is that you decide if you like someone solely by the few pictures they upload, if they happen to write a quick blurb about themselves, and the Facebook groups/interests you have in common.  It is mainly an extremely superficial dating website, but let’s be honest here, we are all superficial when it comes to dating.  If someone’s face does not interest you, you are not going to make the effort to go up and talk to them; that is just a fact of life.  Sure, maybe someone you would not normally find attractive comes up and talks to you and you fall in like with their personality, I’m all for giving everyone equal opportunity, but to say that you do not judge people initially on their looks is a lie.  First impressions are everything, and Tinder has capitalized on that. If you like the way someone looks, you swipe right, if you do not, you swipe left.  It is as simple as that, and trust me, it can be a very quick and addictive process.

Being as the site is grounded on a superficial facet, it has gotten the bad rap of being a ‘hookup site.’  Well, being well versed in trolling internet dating sites, as many of my blogs can attest, every site can quickly go from ‘find love in a hopeless place’ to ‘get your eyes assaulted by creeps.’  That being said, when one of my best girlfriend’s decided to come out of her dating hiatus and take the plunge onto Tinder, I didn’t fight her when she asserted that I needed to join too.  Mainly we joined for moral support, and to laugh at all the ridiculousness that comes with internet dating.

Now, Tinder, like most other free dating sites, does have its fair share of thirsty[1] creeps, but you can usually spot them out and avoid them.  You do happen to stumble upon the occasional lewd photo, but you can quickly swipe left and never see that person again.  Most of the time you can tell by the pictures that someone posts if they’re just looking for a hookup, sometimes they even say it in their ‘about me’ blurb.  So once you get passed the ‘hook up’ people, you have everyone else.  Getting passed the ‘thirsties’[2] is an easy feat, it is then dealing with everyone else that proves to be more difficult.

Once you dive into the belly of the beast and are pouring through the profiles of ‘relationship oriented’ people, you will quickly find yourself horrified.  Sure, they are probably relationship worthy, but no one takes this site seriously.  Basically, if you are looking for your life partner, do not use Tinder.  Default pictures are a sea of poor photoshops, shamelessly unflattering selfies and [as my poor eyes have had the majority of witnessing] people’s heinies[3].  I cannot tell you how many people find it acceptable to pose with their buttox out in the open, or, my personal favorite to laugh at, a ‘selfie’ of them wiith a mirror in the background showing their exposed henie . . . DISGUSTING! Have some class, people, you may meet someone’s parents one day (Lord knows you’ll never become a politician) and is this the kind of behavior you want them knowing about you?  It’s just gross and tasteless, albeit mildly humorous, you’re the internet troll[4] and it’s not okay.

Even after you weed through those weirdos, there will still be another test . . . How you interact with the people of your choosing.  I have said this in previous blogs, interacting with people via text is difficult; it is a talent to say the least.  To be able to put your thoughts down on paper is one thing, but to have them be written in such a way that they convey the exact message you intended is a skill that, quite frankly, very few possess.  Flirting is hard enough as is, but when you put it into text, a lot of it comes off as creepy rather than cute and funny.  That is certainly the case when you are messaging with people you do not know and have no idea if they really are indeed joking and being coy or if they are just huge weirdo jerks!!  You see, flirting on the internet is a very fine, fine, dance.  Things can go from cute to creepy very quickly, so you need to make sure you are either completely not invested in your new found internet friend, or what you are saying comes off playful and not inappropriate and scary. So really, you need to learn how to take social queues.  If you say something and then someone stops answering, re-read what you wrote.  If you do not find anything wrong with it, then hey, maybe the message got lost in the shuffle and you should reach out again.  However, the flip side, if you think the message could have been taken the wrong way (and let's face it, we've all been there) then MAYBE reach out again if you want to clarify . . .but do not do not under any circumstances continuously message them.  For those troubled souls, you can use another great Tinder feature, the 'Block' function.

With all that being said, for your entertainment, I will attach a brief example of some of Tinder’s best.  For the sake of anonymity, and legal reasons, the faces have been blocked out . . .but you can still get the gist. 

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[1] Thirsty: Colloquialism. Someone who is too eager and desperate.

[2] Groups of those who are thirsty

[3] Heinie: colloquialism for gluteus maximus.

[4] Someone who deliberately pisses people off via the internet and is just an overall creep…all in the secret confines of the internet.

BOOK REVIEW: Girls In White Dresses

Hi, my name is Gabrielle and I am a self-proclaimed literature nerd.  My apartment has bookshelves stocked with books, my Pinterest board is teeming with literary quotes, I am Twitter friends with my local bookstore[1] in which I often use that platform to place orders, and I am constantly looking for new good reads.  The problem with my nerdom, however, is that I am very picky about what I read.  If a book does not capture my attention within the first few pages, I will put it down and probably never return to it.  I once had a book on my shelf for a year before I could come back to it, and ended up reading it in a weekend after that.  I guess sometimes it depends on where you are in life, for a book to make such an impact.  Like with relationships, timing is everything, and it applies to books. 

Reading a book is like forming a relationship with the characters and town the book takes place.  A good book should transport you into the scenario that the book is taking place in, it should make you forget all your problems, or better yet, give you a fresh prospective on them.  A book, a good book, should make you think . . . it should make you feel things, even if just for a moment.   I know when I get wrapped up in a good book, I am sad when I finish it, because I feel I have just lost a bunch of friends.  When you meet someone who has read the same book as you and feels as passionately as you do about it, it’s like they have a map to your soul that no one else does.  For that exclusive reason, I am always wary of books on ‘reading lists.’  I know myself well enough to know that mainstream reading is, 9 times out of 10, not for me.  However, that hipster way of thinking was shattered with the book Girls in White Dresses. 

Girls in White Dresses has showed up on every reading list and social media musing I have seen for the past few months; so, finally caving, I decided to do my research.  After reading the book’s description, I figured my decision on the popular book was very clear . . . I had to read it.  As per Amazon.com, here is the book’s description:

Isabella, Mary, and Lauren feel like everyone they know is getting married. On Sunday after Sunday, at bridal shower after bridal shower, they coo over toasters, collect ribbons and wrapping paper, eat minuscule sandwiches and cakes. They wear pastel dresses and drink champagne by the case, but amid the celebration these women have their own lives to contend with: Isabella is working a dead-end job, Mary is dating a nice guy with an awful mother, and Lauren is waitressing at a midtown bar and wondering why she's attracted to the sleazy bartender. 

With a wry sense of humor, Jennifer Close brings us through those thrilling, bewildering years of early adulthood as she pulls us inside the circle of these friends, perfectly capturing the wild frustrations and soaring joys of modern life.

As stated in previous blogs, this is my year of weddings.  I am going to 4 weddings, 5 bridal showers, countless bachelorette parties, and am a bridesmaid twice, in this year alone.  So after reading the description about a group of friends where everyone is getting married except for two girls in the group, I decided to give it a gander.  Let me just start by saying the vague description does not do the book justice.  Girls in White Dresses is about a group of college friends, not just 3 girls, and is told in a series of separate stories.  The Author, Jennifer Close, breaks up each girl and introduces them separately so you can build a better character picture.  While, of course, their stories do overlap and include each other, each chapter focuses on one girl and gives you more insight into her persona. 

The book takes you through their lives in the course of ten years; post college, dating, marriages, divorces, engagement, new jobs.  Every aspect of early adult life is depicted in this book, in my opinion, fairly accurately.  While reading, it was impossible not to get completely engulfed in the story.  I found myself being upset my commute was over, after reading half the book in a one hour sitting.  While I felt this book to be particularly poignant during my year of weddings, I do think you can get other lessons out of it.  Girls in White Dresses is a coming of age story that I recommend in the highest.  Unlike young adult coming of age stories, this book is more relatable than it is about a clear cut moral.  For Close’s first book, she really knocks it out of the park.  Nearing the end of the novel I was completely overcome with sadness, because I felt I was losing these new friends I grew so incredibly close to.  That is how powerful this book is, it is so easy to find yourself completely immersed in the life of these friends.   If you are only going to read one ‘summer reading list’ worthy book this year, I suggest it be this one.  You will not regret it.

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[1] The BookMark Shoppe in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn.  http://www.bookmarkshoppe.com/  Support Local Shops!

BOOK REVIEW: It’s Just a F****ing Date

Recently I decided to switch up my reading list and pick up a book called It’s Just a ‘F***ing Date’ by  Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola. These two are the authors of ‘He’s Just Not that Into You’  which turned into a popular movie about how to tell when a guy is not interested.  When I went through a bad breakup my friend told me to purchase their other book, ‘It’s called a Breakup Because it’s Broken’, because she said it was life changing to her.  Now, as I am no longer in a sappy headspace, I decided to do my research and pick their book with profanity in the title; I mean, that does seem like a pretty solid way to make decisions, right?

To be quite honest, I was a little skeptical of the book.  I do not need a book full of ‘dating advice’, and quite frankly, I’m pretty cynical on the dating scene as a whole anyway. But I figured new things can’t hurt, certainly when it is in regards to a new piece of literature. Readers, let me tell you, when I picked up the book and started reading the Introduction, I was hooked!! It seemed like they wrote the book specifically for me, like they knew my history and we were having a very poignant and topical conversation.  Right out of the gate I found scenarios and statements I could relate to.  For instance, they said that women often date a man’s potential, not the man himself.  I have found myself in that situation before.  When you are so into someone, you see the very best in them; you see them for their full potential and you can’t help but radiate positivity and support at watching them shoot for the stars.  To me, I always found that very comforting . . . I always wanted someone to be as interested in and supportive of my life as I was of theirs.  Unfortunately, as Greg and Amiira point out, that situation can be rather dangerous.  You see, 1 of 3 things will happen when that person notices what you are doing (and they will notice), they will either be appreciative and meet their potential, they will see you’re trying to push them to be at a place they can’t get to and will leave you, OR they will see you’re trying to push them to be at a place they can’t get to and they will resent you for it.  Most of those situations do not bode well for you and your relationship.  The moral of that first story, and a lesson I have learned a lot through life, is you need to love people for where they’re at . . . even if you know they can go so much farther.  Accept where people are, and help nurture them to where they could go.

While I did find the book to be full of some useful advice and some of the testimonials and letters from readers made the ‘lessons’ Greg and Amiira give stick, I did find them to be a little harsh.  I understand that they’re giving advice and they wrote the book from the perspective of a ‘tough love’ friend, but sometimes they just need to relax.  I felt that way especially for the few men who wrote letters to the writers.  Yes, there were a few bad eggs in there, but for the most part I felt Greg and Amiira were almost sexist and made the men into villains without even trying to help them.  The parts of the book that made me feel that way made me cringe, but for the most part, I liked the lessons and anecdotes.

The book is only 223 pages and is chock full of useful advice in the dating pool, so you should definitely contemplate adding it to your summer reading list.  However, the huge disappointing disclaimer I want to add to this book is that at around page 140, the second half of the book, the authors lost steam.  While the first 140 pages were a quick read filled with sage advice, the second half was a bit stumbling and uninteresting.  It took me much longer to get through the last 80 some odd pages as it did the entire first half of the book.  I was so in love with the first half, eating up all their guidance and carefully analyzing how I can use it in real life situations, but by the second half that wise advice was gone.  It was like I watched them go from being the cool older brother and his girlfriend that you look up to to the lecturing parent who just ‘doesn’t get me.’  Notwithstanding the disappointing ending, the book is still worth a read, even if you’re not into the whole ‘dating scene,’ at the very least, it will entertain you.

Getting back on the bicycle

Anyone who’s been in a relationship before knows there are only two ways it can go, you either stay together forever and get married, or you break up.  Both options, while on opposing sides of the same coin, are extremely intimidating and scary; forever is a really long time even when you are absolutely certian of the person, but breakups really hurt.  For the inevitable relationships that end in break up, that poses another two options; either you break your partner’s heart or they break yours.  Regardless of who actually pulls the trigger, the end result is the same, you both end up hurt.  Sure, there is always going to be someone who is more hurt, someone who was disillusioned into thinking the end was not near, but even if it is just for a brief moment, both of you will hurt.

It is okay to be sad and wounded though.  Feel it, take it in, that’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt[1] .  No one is saying that you should not mourn your past relationship, even if it was your choice to leave it.  Yet, every relationship is a learning experience.  Once you are done wallowing in the remnants of your failed relationship, pick yourself up and get ready to try again.

Breakups and being single are a rite of passage for everyone, no matter the age.  You are constantly learning things about yourself and what you want out of your relationships with others.  What I have learned from my relationships over the past 4 years is that not everyone wants to be fixed.  You cannot save everyone, especially when they do not want to save themselves.  Yes, relationships are about support and codependence [in a healthy and helpful way] but you cannot force someone to see their flaws and better themselves if they do not want to. 

I have always been a saver in life; I see people drowning in a sea of despair and I am right there in the thick of it trying to swim them to shore.  Unfortunately for me, as with most panicked people and misery loving company, that often ends up in me being the one to drown.  That is okay though, I rather be the hopeful realist than wallow in my own self-pity and the drama I created without having any self-awareness or responsibility for the situation.  My largest flaws are giving too many people the benefit of the doubt, making excuses for other people’s flaws, and not protecting myself enough.  I see the world through rose colored glasses in which I think because I can see the better in people, they will want to be that person too.

While that often leaves me temporarily heartbroken, it does not leave me discouraged overall.  Once the initial pain of the breakup and its aftermath subside, you have to pick yourself up and move on.  This is the time, I find, to be in the best place! You are surrounded by grace and endless opportunities; you get to rebuild your life the way you want and you get to change all the things that caused your last relationship to fail so you will not repeat the same mistakes.  Relationships are mainly about compromising, not changing yourself per se, but compromising enough to know how and when to choose your battles.  At the end of each relationship you are left with more information about yourself; who you are, who you want to be, the type of person you want to be with, and moreover what you can and cannot compromise on in life.

As sad as each relationship’s end is, you need to find the silver lining and lesson in the breakdown, because the truth is you will go through a lot of breakups in your life.  The deal with relationships are, they do not work out until the one that actually does [thus resulting in a ‘forever’ relationship].  Relationships, while work, should be fun.  You’re going on a journey with someone else, for an undefined amount of time, and in the process you are learning about them, yourself, what you have to offer to other people, and getting to experience new parts of life that you probably would not have done on your own.  Each person who you encounter in your life has a purpose of some sort; most are just lessons or white noise until you meet the game changer, the one who is so undeniably made for you. 

That is how I feel, anyway.  Whenever a relationship ends for me, although I do get sad, eventually, when enough time has passed, I get hopeful about being one step closer to meeting the forever prospect.  So, daters, when you find yourself thrown from that bicycle and you are sitting in a ditch all battered and bruised with your heart in your hand, just remember . . .each relationship fails until the one that doesn’t.  And since the one that does not end in breaking up is going to end in eternity, enjoy the right now! This is your time, the best time of your life, enjoy the learning experience and trust the process.  Just remember, my hopeful romantics, any time you are heartbroken, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on that bicycle!

Later, Daters, Enjoy the ride.

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[1] Profound quote from John Green’s The Fault in Our Stars.

Leslie Knope is my Spirit Animal

Five years ago a comedian came to my college known as Aziz Ansari.  At the time he was known, but did not have the level of fame and exposure he does now.  He was doing standup, but also promoting a new show he was starring in called Parks and Recreations [Parks & Rec].  I am not the best TV person; it takes a lot for me to follow a show, but my brother loves it so whenever it was on, I would catch an episode.  However, after catching a few episodes on TV last week, I decided to start from Season 1 and work my way up to present.

Let me start by saying that the show is extremely entertaining.  While some people may compare it to The Office because of its ‘mockumentary’ type style [where they are constantly talking to the camera as if being interviewed] it is completely in a league of its own.  The more I watch the show and see each character develop, the more engrossed in the series I become.  Each character brings a great and unique part to the show, but of course I do have a favorite.  Ron Swanson is my all-time favorite person (not just character) because he has amazing one-liners and he is just hilarious while being completely serious.  If Ron Swanson were a real person, I would love to hang out with him.  He is my favorite ever. However, Leslie Knope is my spirit animal.

While that may seem like an obvious ‘favorite’ being as she is the leading heroine of the show, that is not why she is my spirit animal.  For one, she is funny, sassy, determined, work oriented, klutzy and that pretty much sums we up in a nutshell.  The real thing that stood out to me about her though, is that she is probably the only person who goes on worst dates than I do.

 For evidence, please cite: http://youtu.be/o0MKUXNzvDE

I have no ownership of this video or it’s contents, it is just something poignant I found on the internet, and ignore the quality because it sucks.  However, it describes all her horrible first dates and they sound like they could have been stories extracted from my memoir (or blog). 

Leslie comes up with these schemes and witty retorts that you know could never come from a government official in real life, however you just can’t help but fall in love with her.  She is completely oblivious and extremely ditzy, yet her passion and drive makes everything work out.  Leslie takes the stance that 'boy's clubs' should not be just about men and if she were to ever be involved in a sex scandal, it would be with her being President and the 'mistress' being the Vice-President.  Between that level of ridiculous and Aziz Ansari's annoying pseudo Casanova character, Tom Haverford, this show keeps you laughing for the full 30 minutes.

In the past my dream team night out of drinking and shenanigans used to be Ke$ha and P!nk, potentially ending in some jail time, but now I would much rather celebrate Galentine’s day with Leslie Knope.  Ya know, Ovaries before Brovaries.  If none of that makes sense to you, it is probably because I have binge watched so much of the show I actually feeling like I am working for the Parks Department.

With all of the different characters and personalities in this show, you will be found to find someone to relate to and fall in love with, even if your spirit animal isn't Leslie.  I even tend to sympathize with Jerry, although I think that exactly goes against what the show wants.  Regardless, you will find something to love in this amazing show.

If you have yet to check out Parks & Recs, definitely log onto your Netflix (or a friends…who doesn’t have an account nowadays?) and get ready to binge watch.  You need to catch up now since their upcoming 7th season will be their final. It is completely worth the hours you will spend in front of your TV.  I mean, it is really worth it . . . have I steered you wrong yet?

  

When is holding on TOO long?

Learning to say goodbye is something we start to comprehend at an early age.  Babies learn to say ‘bye-bye’ fairly quickly and use that term any time a person exits a room.  However, when it comes to permanent exits from our life, how long is too long to hold a candle?

When relationships end, as I’ve stated in previous blogs, it is usually best to cut all ties. Nothing good ever really comes out of staying friends with exes; cordial pleasantries are one thing, but to ‘stay friends’ is just asking for trouble.  As The Script says ‘when a heart breaks, it don’t break even,’ so there are often residual feelings lingering about post-breakup from one of the parties involved.  This is just natural, feelings just do not go away over night, but if you keep picking at the wound [i.e. hanging out/keeping in contact with your ex] you will never be able to fully move on. 

The real question is, though, what happens when you do stop talking and you remove them from your life, yet still keep coming back to each other?  Maybe you just know their birthday off the top of your head and send them a text on that day, maybe they can’t stop texting you every time they hear that song you liked, maybe you both live in the same neighborhood and have run-ins frequently; whatever the case is, the door is still open for contact.  What happens then when that minimal contact opens the door for more frequent and planned contact?

The unspoken rule is that you get a few weeks mourning period for every month you dated, but what if the time you spent apart exceeds the time you spent together?  Do you then take that as a sign that the universe does not want you to let go of that person? I mean, there has to be a reason why you cannot get them out of your head and they feel the same way, right?  Does the fact that you two keep coming back to each other regardless of time mean you are soul mates or does it mean that you are both masochists and enjoy playing the same hurtful scenario out over and over again. 

I am extremely on the fence about this answer, as both sides make alarmingly solid points. On one hand, you obviously both had a lot of things in common, which is why you were together in the first place, but now you have memories too?! Not to mention nostalgia/graduation goggles[1] often make people stay places they are comfortable in rather than venture out into the great unknown.  This sense of familiarity and comfort with another person paired with your obvious connection is enough of a positive to say ‘yes, the universe wants us to be together.’  However, Albert Einstein does make a point when he says insanity is the act of doing something over and over again and expecting different results.  To me, not wanting to be insane would be enough to say ‘you are just a masochist and like to be miserable.’  But really, doesn’t everyone like things that are bad for them? I mean, hello! I know eating my own weight in chocolate is bad, but it tastes so good!

This is where the cynic and romantic collide.  When is holding on too long? Do you hold on to hope and try again, or do you cut your losses and move it along? Does it make you insane to try a relationship again, because history tells you it will end badly, or does time really heal all wounds and therefore you can try again as more experienced and mature people?  These are my Monday musings . . . just a thought.

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[1] Graduation Goggles- the filter you get when graduating school and the fear of reality and the unknown sinks in.  You begin to remember everything you are leaving behind to be so much better than it actually was.

Flashing Lights.-An Ode to my Love Affair with New York

Over the past several years I have been finally getting to my bucket list and traveling the United States.  While I have many places still left to see, I have fallen in love with many different cities along the way.  Every vacation is different, some I stay for a week, others a long weekend, sometimes I make sure to hit all the tourist sights, and other times I just wander and see what I can find.  The one thing all these trips have in common, though, is that when I come home, even when I have an amazing trip, I am overwhelmingly glad to be home.

I have always been a New Yorker, and while I moved around a bit including a brief stint living in Europe, I have always been a New Yorker at heart.  When I say I am a New Yorker, I do not mean I talk with an accent, scream at cab drivers and say things like ‘fugghedaboutit,’ because I do not.  I mean sure, I probably emulate a stereotypical New Yorker with my black leather jacket and oversized sunglasses, but that is just because my style screams BAMF[1].  However, what I mean when I say ‘I am a New Yorker’ has more to do with my frame of mind and what is in my heart than it does how I speak or what I look like.

When I went on vacation several weeks ago, I was exploring a park that had a sculpture of a man playing piano in it.  Of course I ran up to take pictures with it, after all, I never miss a good photo opportunity! After my impromptu photo-shoot was over, I realized there was a backpack in the sculpture.  My first instinct was to call the cops because ‘if you see something, say something’, but my Nashville cohorts assured me that this was a common occurrence of homeless residents hiding their belongings for ‘safe keeping.’ Apparently, my paranoia was a New York affliction. 

I lived in a beach front community for a good portion of my youth; we were secluded and peaceful, it was all the perks of suburban living, but we were several minutes away from city exposure.  That to me was the best of both worlds.  As I am getting older I am constantly thinking of whether or not I want to stay in New York and where my career/life opportunities will take me.  This is an internal debate that I have a lot of trouble with; I am drowning in inner turmoil. 

While I would love to move to some of the other cities I have fallen in love with over the years, I know that I am unfit for anywhere but New York.  New York City is my home, and while I could live somewhere else, I do not necessarily think I will ever fit in anywhere else.  The skyline is engraved on my heart, the lights and sounds in my ears, and the beauty and peace I find in the wild calamity of the city pumps through my veins.  Every day when I get a view of the Freedom Tower behind the Brooklyn Bridge on my way home, I am engulfed by an overwhelming sense of pride. Knowing my city’s heartache, seeing it’s wounds, and watching it rise up bigger and better, ready to fight another day; that is why I love New York.  That is the passion and attitude I embody to my very core.    For that reason, I will always be a little piece of New York, everywhere I go.

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[1] BAMF: Coloquialism. Bad ass mother F----you get the idea