As T. Payne would say . . .'I like the bartender.'

For a good portion of my youth, and now as the occasional hobby, I was a bartender.  Bartending and waitressing is how I came into my personality, and really broke out of my shy childhood shell.  To be a successful bartender or waitress, you need to be very personable, friendly and make people comfortable.  You want them to stay and spend money but more importantly you want to build a report with them so they will come back; especially if you have a weekly shift.

I am very good at striking up conversations with people and knowing what to say in any particular situation; I have the Gift of Gab (or as I like to tell people...I am the Gift of Gab).  I am eloquent and love a good party, so for me, bartending always came naturally.  It is a fun job to bring in some extra income and it is a good way to socialize.  I started bartending 7 years ago, and I have met a lot of different characters.  I mean, some of the things I’ve seen/heard/experienced and witnessed can make for one heck of a book; but, I will keep that in my life story and simply summarize and shorten to fit this blog.

To be clear, a bartender’s job is to be really really friendly.  That means mainly they get paid to be a flirt.  So, fella, ladies, whoever, nine times out of 10, the bartender does not really have a thing for you.  If you want to take the chance and give them your number, that’s one thing, but don’t ask for theirs; it’s just embarrassing.  If you want to see them again, well, you are at their bar, make another stop next week and figure it out.  Also, don’t get all jealous and make comments about them talking to other patrons, everyone’s money is green, you aren’t special.  That isn’t to say that they weren’t really interested in you, a good eye candy and fun patron to play with makes the night more interesting and go by quickly, but don’t be so presumptuous as to ask for the barkeep’s number at a crowded bar.  Even if they want to give you their number, it makes it more awkward with people around as it is unprofessional and sets a bad example to the patrons they don’t want to see ever again.  On that note, if you notice the bartender is flirting with almost every other patron except for you, it is probably because you are the creep.  You want to introduce yourself, that’s one thing; I like knowing my patron’s names, makes it easier to remember their order, but don’t make things uncomfortable. 
'How can I make things uncomfortable' you ask? Oh well a prolonged handshake, kissing the person’s hand, telling them they smell delicious; you know, anything that would make someone not stuck behind a bar RUN.

As always while you are in public, be polite.   Once you know the bartender’s name, there is no reason to continuously shout it across the bar.  Get their attention once.  If they are busy, they will come to you in a minute.  My biggest pet peeve while working was the ‘entitled patron’ as if I should be so happy and feel lucky that they graced me with their presence on a weekend night. 

What? No thank you.

Usually that ‘entitled patron’ thinks they are God’s gift to the world and are therefore the most annoying and hard to handle person ever.  You know them, they are the person screaming ‘drinks on me’ and ordering shots for everyone and their mother, but then when it’s time to pay they are pissing and moaning that the price is, well, the price!  A buy-back is a privilege, not a right.  So if you were being a jerk all night or nasty or quite frankly, I don’t like you, then you will pay for all of your drinks and that is that. I hate cheap people, as a general life rule, I just hate cheap people.  When I go out, I know I am going to spend money.  Sure, I wake up in the morning wondering why I spent as much money as I did, particularly because I am not rolling in the dough, but I know when I go out to have a good time, I am going to have a good time.  Having a good time at night costs money and I prepare myself for that, so it does not come as a surprise.  Don’t act like a big spender if you cannot back it up; that is rule number one.

I have a few rules when I bartend; I always introduce myself to people and ask how they are [it pays to be polite], if anyone orders a ridiculous drink name like they went to bartending school [a Cape Cod is just a Vodka cranberry] they get heckled and usually have to wait for their drink, if you order a ‘Long Island’ I will judge you and avoid you at all costs, and last but not least, men should not order pink drinks.  Pink drinks are ridiculous for anyone not starring in ‘Sex and the City’, but it is far more absurd for a grown man.  As far as ordering ‘fancy’ drinks go, ordering a Cosmopolitan or a Martini is one thing, but if you are trying to test my knowledge with things like an ‘Alabama slammer’ at a local watering hole on a Friday night, well then I am going to tell you to kick rocks. Also, please please PLEASE do not ask for a free drink.  If you come up thinking you’re clever like ‘oh are drinks on you?’ the answer will be no, this round is not on me, and the next 3 won’t be either.  Do you know how you get free drinks? You be nice and interesting and TIP WELL! 

That leads me into a huge point, TIPPING.  Unless you’re in a college bar with $1 beers, a dollar tip is not appropriate.  For one drink (~$5 for the drink) a $2 tip is the minimum, that gets you by with just being average and not cheap.  If you want to make an impression, get quicker service and have drinks bought for you, throw a $10 for your one drink and say ‘keep it’.  That means your next one will be on me, and I will flock as quickly as I can, or tell the other bartender, when I see you come to the bar.  When you order two or more drinks, if you still leave $2, that is cheap.  The more drinks you buy, the more you have to leave, period.  If you are putting money behind the bar, either keep a tally of it or tell the bartender how much should be left for them, so at the end of the night you do not end up stiffing that person just because they did their job of charging you for some of what you ordered.  I like starting a kitty[1] when I go to a bar; it makes it easier when there are a few people ordering rounds, and also if a new person comes up and orders but uses the same money, the bartender will know to give a buyback. 

To recap this overall article, while going out for a night on the town remember:

1)      It is the bartender’s job to flirt with you

2)      Introduce yourself, be friendly.

3)      Buy backs are a privilege, not a right.

4)      Don’t ever TELL someone to buy a drink for you.

5)      If you are out,  be prepared to spend money.

6)      A $2 tip for one drink is a minimum.

And the main rule. . .

7)      Have fun!

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[1] A collection of money pooled from your party and left behind the bar to be taken out whenever someone buys a round.

Drowning in the Ocean

Now that I have your attention with this morbid title, lets dive into a subject equally as morbid . . . dating! I know this topic comes up a lot on my blog, but it really is just because I go on so many awful dates I feel like I need to write about it to 1) laugh and 2) warn the guys out there of how NOT to act.

So, I will proceed.

First dates are awkward, no matter what.  Personally, I do not really care for a dinner date because I get weirded out eating in front of new people and I feel like the whole situation is tense to begin with.

The best first date I have ever been on was the most creative date ever.  This boy I was seeing (yes, we started seeing each other before we went on an actual fancy date) took me to this indie art gallery for the British Graffiti Artist Banksy, and then took me to a diner.  Now, I was 19 so the diner wasn’t swanky but it was in Manhattan and that was cool enough for me.  I had a really nice time on the date but because I am a whackadoodle in my own right, I got weird when it was time to eat and he thought I wasn’t having fun.  Luckily anyone who knew me for 5 minutes back then knew I had weird quirks like ripping apart sandwiches before I ate them in public, so me and him were able to move on from it.  Now as I am older I have gotten better about that and don’t really care much anymore, I just continue to stuff my face like a pig because whatever, I love food.

However, recently I went on a terrible dinner and movie date and the awkwardness wasn’t even my fault!  So now that we have some background on how awesome and weird I am and how I triumphed over my beginner date awkwardness, let’s continue.  While I am less weird now, first dates are always weird.  You never know the person’s exact intentions, if they like you too or are you just trying to feel each other out, do you have something in your teeth, do you order a drink, do you kiss goodbye? I never know what is going on, but I’m good with reading situations so I just go with the flow. 

Now that I am an adult, I do not expect the poshest of places, I’m not asking anyone to drop 2k on a date, but I do have some standards.  So when a 28 year old man asked me to dinner and a movie, I figured a dress and sandals for a Sunday funday would be appropriate.  This date was doomed from the beginning.  He told me he would be at my house at ‘about 6’ yet showed up at nearly 7 without any call or text; luckily I was with my friends so I did not care, but still, RUDE.  Sure, he picked me up from my house, got out of the car and kissed me hello on the cheek, so that was nice.  Yet the kiss of death, other than being tardy, was that he was wearing an obnoxiously bright Abercrombie tee-shirt, jeans, and rainbow flip flops.

HOLD UP.

Yes, I said rainbow brand flip flops.  We live in the boroughs, this isn’t Florida, there is no reason to be wearing flip flops and certainly not on a first date.  Girls are different, and sandals are different.  Mine had cute little rhinestones all over them and were appropriate for the concrete jungle.  His were appropriate for a frat house brofest or some Cali beach bar, definitely not first date material.  But, I really wanted to see the movie so I wasn’t going to bail at that point; my friends tell me to give everyone a chance. 

We drive to the neighborhood where the movie theater is and he asked if we could eat around there—sure, no problem, there are nice restaurants around there.  But where do we go? Applebee’s.  That place is fine if you’ve been dating and you’re having a casual night or lunch or with your friends/family, but on the FIRST DATE? Seriously bro, pull yourself together! Before we even got in to the restaurant he proceeded to fight with the 18 year old valet boy because he did not want anyone parking his car (why not park on the street then, buddy?) and this poor kid finally caved in and just let him park.  As if that wasn’t a mortifying turn-off all on its own, when we walk in to the restaurant he sits at the bar and begins looking at the drink menu.  The more and more this ‘date’ went on, the more I realized it was like a friend date and not a date at all, or at least in my eyes.  He then flirted with the bartender, got a PINK long island iced tea, downed that and then ordered a beer, with a side of food.  I used to bartend and my top rules were 1) men only drink clear, gold or dark drinks and 2) no one of age orders a long island iced tea. EVER! But more importantly, who orders a long island iced tea (which has 5 different types of liquors in it) on a first date? Especially when they are driving and especially when they are supposed to be trying to make a good impression.  He scarfed the drink and his food down within 30 minutes and scurried out of the bar and to the movie which we were now late for.   We get to the movie which I was previously so excited for, the company excluded, and we are second row from the front!!! Anyone that has ever been to an Imax movie [as if they make regular movies anymore, ha!] knows that sitting in the orchestra seating is like staring at the sun while scratching your eyes out.  It is just awful.

As predicted, the movie was amazing and that made up for the fact that I wanted to slap my company in his dumb drunk face.  Once the movie finished I was happy off the high of the movie and glad the awful date had come to an end.  Luckily I was able to get home with just a handshake and a ‘thanks’ but needless to say no future texts were responded to. 

If you have missed the moral in this blog [because lets face it, all of my blogs have a life lesson or act as a PSA], here it goes . . . When taking a girl on a date, be prompt, dress to kill (hearts, that is), don’t get hammered and always take time into consideration if you’re on a schedule, events get crowded!  Also, feel free to talk about yourself, obviously you’re on a date to get to know the person, but if all of your stories are about how you and your friends are getting mangled on a Tuesday night, you need to grow up.  I do not date younger guys and quite frankly I am too old for the ‘party girl scene’ to intrigue me anymore.  Be yourself, but if that is the guy that drinks pink long island iced teas at a bar during ‘dinner’ then maybe you need to reflect on the person you are and accept the fact that you probably should be alone forever.