A Day in the Life: How to be a savvy dater.

I have been thrown back in to the dating ocean (more like a pool) to see what other fish will think I’m undamaged and find my sarcastic cynicism cute and endearing.  As I embark on my new journey to enjoy single life, as I have been in a relationship for a few years, I am noticing that maybe what I think is ‘normal’ isn’t really normal.

[Before I dive in to this blog, I am going to preface this entry with a disclaimer: I am not a sexist in any way.  I love men, I would probably make a great one since I kill my own bugs and am afraid of commitment. But that's neither here nor there. This blog was not intended to berate any gender.  I am just sharing my experience as a single woman.  Take the advice as you see applicable in your life.]

As I learned when I was 20, and so sweetly explained to the male, if you go on a few dates with someone, you are not in a relationship! You just aren’t.  Maybe you are dating, seeing each other, whatever you call it, but you are not in a relationship.  Never assume you are together exclusively unless you ask.  When I was 20 I went on three dates with a guy who was a few years older than me (like old enough to know better!)  First was a double date, then two on our own.  He then ‘surprised’ me while I was out at a bar with my brother and friends and proceeded to demand to meet my brother…as my ‘boyfriend.’  I was not a fan.  Needless to say, he was put in a cab and sent on his merry way back to Long Island City or wherever.

 Being as that was 5 years ago, I thought things would get easier by now.  I was no longer seen as a young naive girl, so even still dating men in their mid-late 20s/early 30s should be easy right? Wrong!  Apparently, men just get older, not grow up.  No offense to the guys, maybe I’m just prone to meeting overly emotional clingy men.  Anyway, I have been testing the waters to this new single lifestyle and very casually going on dates; and by dates, I mean dates . . . dinner, drinks, maybe a movie, nothing crazy.  [and to clarify, NO ONE gets to go to my house, or the places I frequent.]

With all these new found dates I am going on, it dawned on me that while there really isn’t (nor should there be) a set of ‘Rules’ for dating, there is a common sense etiquette to follow.  But as with everything else in life, no one has common sense anymore.  So I will educate the masses on what a single woman in the city (no, not fake like Sex & The City) really wants/doesn’t want on a date.

First off, this SHOULD go without saying, but considering it has happened to me three times in the past week, I have to say it.  DON’T BE CLINGY!!! Guys always complain about girls being clingy and too much, DUDE, you guys are so worse! It’s sweet to call and text cute little things frequently throughout the day, but don’t be weird.  If we just met, talk for an hour, have a spark, just enjoy it.  A way to make sure that spark dies before it even starts is to say ‘how many kids do you want? How much money do you make? WHEN you meet my mom . . .’ blah blah blah.  It’s creepy, it’s weird, and quite frankly, it is one hell of a turn off.  Nothing makes me run faster (and I never run) than someone (a man) naming all of our children and signing me up to meet his mom on the first encounter (not even a date!)

Secondly, back to the subject of texting cute nothings.  Be CUTE, don’t be so cute (clingy) that your sexuality comes in to question.  If you are a girl over the age of 15, you shouldn’t do this, and if you are a man you should certainly never do this.  Do not ever, under any circumstances, text someone ‘Mwahh’ or ‘mwa’ or any other ludicrous spelling.  What is that? It’s just silly and makes me wonder if I (my gender) are your ‘type’ or if I am shamelessly robbing the cradle.  It’s just weird and creeps me out.

Let’s skip ahead to the part where you are actually on the date.  There are many ways to have a good date, depending on the activity you choose and of course your company.  Sometimes, depending on the company again, beer and wings might be a cute date, although not my style.  This is what gets me most nervous, choosing what to eat while on the date.  It shocks me how many people (men and women) do not put any thought in to what they are ordering while on a date.  Years ago I went on two separate dates with two separate guys.  One ordered onion rings and the other ate a lot of garlic bread, and I remember giving both of them the same look and thinking “well I guess they aren’t interested in me, because I am NOT kissing them.”  . . . Both of those gentlemen ended up being long term relationships for me.  But that is besides the point, and you really need to get some serious brownie points after the fact to make up for your poor diet decisions.  If you like the girl/guy or just want a kiss at the end of the night, DO NOT eat things that smell.  Garlic, Onions, FISH, whatever, don’t eat it.  My grandmother always told me not to eat spaghetti on a date because I end up shoveling it in to my mouth and looking like a pig.  Well, I rather look like a piglet than stink, so if you eat something I don’t approve of, off go the white gloves, my friend!  Just be conscious of what you order.  Also, if you order something and don’t like it…shut up! Just eat it. I don’t want to sit and listen to you complain about it, or worse, tell the waitress! I have been a waitress, no one wants to hear your complaint, just give her a good tip and take your food.

Related to the topic of tipping, another good way to lose a potential is to tell her how your friends nicknamed you ‘T-Rex’ because you ‘have short arms’.  No one, and I mean no one, wants to hear that you are cheap.  You aren’t suddenly going to become illusive and attractive to me because you don’t spend your money.  I am down for paying for things, but cheap people? Not a fan.  I work very hard for my money, but when I go out, I go out to spend.  I know what it is like to work for tips so I make sure I tip well.  If you’re out, assume you’re going to spend money, or ask me to split (which will probably not end well either) but anything is better than listening to someone complain about how much something is.  Unless it is absolutely absurd, just keep your grumbling to yourself.

While there are a lot of qualms I have with the new ‘dating scene’, these are just guidelines.  I still prefer guys who I need to tell to calm down a bit rather than guys who are too ‘cold’ and distant where I wish they would call/text and they never do on time.  So what I have learned is that it is a fine, fine line, and flirty dance between being unbearably clingy, and way too distant.  Find a happy medium, ladies and gents.  Don’t start naming your kids or bringing your parents on the first date, but also don’t take 2 hours to respond to a text (without being genuinely busy.)  Welcome to the world, daters!  Good luck and Gods speed.

My rant about being a commuter...

Anyone living in the five boroughs that works in Manhattan knows driving to work on a daily basis is no reasonable feat.  So, for all us peons that can’t afford to park our Bentley in the $20 an hour parking lot every day, we take public transportation. 

There are two forms of public transportation [disclaimer: since I do not live on nor condone Staten Island, I am ignoring the existence of the ferry].  So, there are two forms of public transportation: the NYC subway (train) and the bus (express of course, we are not squalors.) Now, anyone that takes either of these forms of transportation knows that there is commuter etiquette that everyone should oblige by in order to make everyone’s overall experience better.  The train is usually a free for all, because there are panhandlers and every other rude annoying person, but the bus is supposed to be for the people who will spend the $5.50 one way to have a pleasant ride.

That being said, express busses are expensive! I only take it in the morning because, 1-it is a shorter commute for me and 2- I like to nap on the way in so the cushion seats are an added bonus for comfort.  So, since it is about 6am and everyone is dreading going to work (because who in their right mind wants to be up at 6am?! Just kidding, I’m a cheerful morning person. But STILL!) why would you get on a bus just to ruin everyone else’s morning? If you are having a bad day, put your headphones in and go to sleep, you don’t need to drag everyone else down with you.  That means YOU, loud cell phone talker; it is 6am, no one wants to hear what you ate for dinner!  Also, if you have a thousand bags with you and feel the need to squish into the aisle seat and put your bags all over the person sitting next to you, just don’t.  There is an overhead compartment for that reason, and quite frankly, I don’t care how small you think I am, I want my leg room! I paid for it and it’s mine, so I want it.

A common misconception amongst bus goers, or commuters in general, is how much room you actually take up.  Now, this isn’t a comment about weight as much as it is just taking up space.  I, for example, wouldn’t describe myself as overweight, but I know I sit with my bag on my side on the train so I may go over to the seat next to me.  This is why I sit on the end, because most train people leave the middle seat open.  On the bus there is no middle seat buffer, so I use manners and good judgment and only sit in the space allotted to me.  However, I manage to ALWAYS get stuck next to the person who, despite all the open seats, feels the need to CRAM on top of me and have their thighs touch mine.  It freaks me out, it’s creepy and gross and I would prefer if you just go sit in any of the other OPEN seats! There is no reason for you to be in my personal space when the bus didn’t even begin to fill up yet. The flip side of this statement is that I am not only talking about physical space, but space in general.  If you are smoking or wearing WAY too much perfume/cologne, it is best for everyone if you sit by yourself or in the back.  There is no reason why you need to poison my lungs with your odor just in the name of fashion or nicotine.

That was my rant about the bus…On to the train rant.

I am one of those people that if I don’t fall asleep, I just stare out in to the distance and zone out, because this is the end of my day and I just need to unwind.  The problem with the train is that everyone is always holding the doors which makes that ‘ding dong’ sound go off a THOUSAND BILLION TIMES which gets on my nerves so quickly that I want to rip that persons arm off and throw it outside the train.  Another thing is, you never just can have a calm train ride, there is always something going on; people spontaneously break dancing, singing, giving you their sob stories., it just all makes me uncomfortable.  These pan handlers probably pull in more money a day than I do, I don’t want to hear your made up story of your sick brother’s son’s nephew’s girlfriend’s sister’s friend’s kid who needs a kidney transplant in Mexico so please give me your money.  NO. Just no.  My eyes are closed, I am listening to my ipod and I don’t want to hear it.  Don’t come up and tap me on the shoulder or say something about God Bless or whatever.  Leave me alone.  I am cranky, tired, and really don’t have time for this show.  As for all the people dancing on the train…your kickflips are going to kick me a concussion.  No I cannot move! It is rush hour and the train is crowded to the point where we are all standing and I am pretty sure I have someone’s elbow imprinted on my left temple because we are standing so close.  So where, oh where exactly, would you like me to stand to get out of your dance space? That’s right. There is nowhere! So go to the park and practice your dance moves like everyone else.

I hope this blog goes viral and everyone gets the hint to learn some manners, because if your mother won’t teach you any, I will!  This is a call to action…don’t be that rude commuter person everyone will talk about later.  Put your cell phone down, boom box off, leave your dancing shoes at home, and just DON’T ask for money.  We will all thank you for it.