I Guess This is Growing Up

I was having a conversation with my best friend and college roommate over the past few days and it made me realize how old I really got.  When I say old, I do not mean a particular age or number, I simply mean that I am growing up and becoming much older, mentally, than I have been in prior years.  Sure, this is part of the progression of what happens as you get older, you become a grown up, but I feel in the past year or two my values have drastically shifted.  Yes, they will always be the same at the core, but as an adult they have become more refined and the way I see the world has slightly changed [for the better].

For instance, vacations in my youth, along with many of my peers, tended to be focused on partying and beaches.   If there were clear waters and a good discotecha and a coconut filled with rum punch, I was there. However, now, I loathe those kinds of vacations.  Well, okay, maybe loathe is a strong word, but they are definitely no longer a priority.  A few years ago I went to Mexico for the umpteenth time, the first time in my adulthood, and instead of spending the vacation on the beach, I made the most of it.  I went exploring old Mayan ruins, I went into villages and ate at local restaurants, I drove around in a silly, tiny, little smart car.  That was my favorite trip to Mexico, I actually got to see the country; I got to breathe in the local life, see their history, view the city as I never had before.  At one point I was out in the violent ocean during a rainstorm just taking pictures on a rock.  That is not to say my previous vacations were not equally as amazing, I have gone snorkeling, scuba diving with barracuda, cliff jumping, and swimming with dolphins, but now in my adulthood I feel like I am more inquisitive and seeking out exploration, rather than just showing up to an excursion.  Vacationing for me now, means traveling to expand my mind; I want to learn about the place I am visiting, not just party my way through it.  I rather go to a mountain in Tibet than go to an island in the Caribbean, and this is just a testament to where I am at in my life.

The same mature and newly honed value can be found in the types of paramours I am now interested in.  While a pretty face is always going to catch initial attention, I am far more interested at what is going on underneath.  As a youth a pretty face and a funny personality would go miles with me, now, you are more likely to catch my eye if you are discussing something passionately. To me, it is more important you have something really beautiful and deep on the inside than what you look like on the outside.  Also, I am way less tolerant of rude, pompous and arrogant people now than I have been in the past.  Everyone is entitled to a grumpy day, but when you are just outwardly condescending and pretentious for no reason; even if you have a reason, it’s not okay to be rude, but certainly if your arrogance overshadows your actual abilities, I will call you out on it.  But that is neither here nor there. 

What I am most attracted to is passion.  When I say passion I do not mean chemistry or passion in the physical sense, I mean having a fiery ache for something in life, or just life itself.  I am extremely passionate about tons of things; you get me talking about my job, my family, my writing or even what I’m reading for five minutes and you can tell I come alive and overcome with emotion.  That is what I look for in a partner; someone who is equally passionate about some (if not most) aspects of their life. 

It took me a very long time to get where I am in life, and I am nothing less than proud and ecstatic about it.  I have the utmost confidence in myself and the deepest understanding of who I am at my core, where I am going, and who I want to be.  All of these realizations, albeit nothing new, rather just solidified in my adulthood, make me recognize how while the core of my values are still the same, I am very less willing to compromise on them.  Although that might make me sound stubborn, that is far from the case.  I am well aware that life is about compromise, especially when there are other people involved, but essentially my deal breakers are non-negotiable.  I am a free spirit with an affinity for life, and the people I have in my corner are the same.  These are the people that are the adventurers, the dreamers, those that lust after life’s biggest secrets and go out in search of them. I want to look back on my life in my old age and know that I experienced everything the world had to offer; every exotic dish, every hidden gem a city is hiding, every historic ruin down the dusty back roads of a foreign country, I want to experience it all.  So while I am no doubt getting older and growing up, I am a more determined, curious and confident self.

For this reason this summer, my Summer of Yes[1], has been amazing.  Every week I am trying new things, going on new adventures, and growing as a person.  From now until next week I have plans on the docket such as dinner at a fancy restaurant in NYC, a ghost tour, a bachelorette party, lunch at a fancy restaurant in NYC, a graffiti tour, a vacation filled with tours and stops and local hotspots; my list is ever growing with new and exciting venues to visit.  In my ‘old age’[2] I am realizing that all I want to do is expand my horizons.  I want to breathe in deep at the top of a mountain, I want to read every book I can get my hands on, I want to run every 5k, sing along in every piano bar, heck, I might even try karaoke once or twice!  Life is meant to be lived, every moment, so say yes to all the plans that come your way, and say goodbye to anyone who does not want to be right there with you.

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[1] http://lctranette.blogspot.com/2014/07/summer-of-yes.html

[2] Yes, this is meant as satire.

When Being a Tourist Doesn’t Just Mean Vacationing…

I was recently watching an old episode of Parks & Recreations where Ron told Leslie that her boyfriend was a ‘…tourist. He vacations in people’s lives, takes pictures, puts them in his scrapbook and moves on. All he’s interested in are stories. Basically, Leslie, he’s selfish.” Upon watching that, I knew it made sense in regards to the episode, but after much deliberation, I decided I did not know anyone like that in real life.

Let me tell you, not to blow up anyone’s spot or anything, but I am noticing now how wrong I really was.  I'm sure we all can think of someone who is the tourist in our lives; maybe that person is just the nosy part time friend who only surfaces to prod into the worst moods of your life and make themselves feel better about their own, or perhaps it’s just that ‘friend’ who only comes around when they want to complain or have no one better to hang out with. If you think hard enough, there will always be at least one person like that for everyone, even if they were only around for a short period of time.

For me, really thinking about it, I have a few people that came to mind for the above examples, however one person very clearly stands out above the rest.  This person is the quintessential tourist; I will go months without hearing a peep and then BOOM, a text, a facebook message, a social media ‘like’, he always finds a way to make a comeback.  Then it is a few days or weeks of interaction until he disappears and I remember why we never talk to begin with.

He is a tourist who only vacations in someone’s life, not for the story, but for the entertainment.  It is never in the good times I hear from him, it’s not even to check up on me and ask how I’m doing.  No, instead it is just interaction so he is entertained until the next big thing comes around. This person can never be alone or bored for long, he is constantly reaching out to someone from his past until someone new appears.

This is irritating for so many levels, but if you’re my friend, you don’t just come in and out of my life at your convenience.  I understand people get busy and don't speak as much as they would like, thus is life.  I have a best friend with whom it is not an uncommon occurrence if we go weeks without speaking.  You do not need to talk every day to be a friend, and I understand that.  However, you can tell when you don’t speak to someone because the days escape you, or because they brought nothing positive into your life and your relationship disintegrated.  I rather have quality friends over quantity friends, but not everyone thinks that way.  If they don’t, that’s fine, but I do not need to keep opening the door for you whenever you feel compelled to traipse into my life. Certainly more so if you make a mess every time you’re back in it.

The actual problem with these tourists, however, is not that they come in your life when they’re bored, turn it upside down, and then leave unscathed, but how they come back into your life.  I was told that I am too hard on people and everyone deserves a second chance.  So, against my better judgment, I always try to give people more chances.  But, let’s all just agree here, people don’t change!  I repeat, people do not change.  The only way they change is because they become better at lying and hiding their true colors, but eventually, it all comes out. 

These tourists will sing you sweet lullabies and promise you the world if only you donate an ounce of your time. That sounds like a pretty sweet deal for you, right, a renewed friendship with minimal effort on your part? Score!  No.  Anything too good to be true, is.  People may want to change, but essentially if they are just a selfish person at their core, that will never go away.  That isn’t something they can just change, it is in the foundation of who they are.  Everyone has their selfish moments at times, it happens to all of us, but to live your entire life only caring about and looking out for yourself?  Well, if that works for you, that’s all well and good, but I know for a fact that does not fly in my life.  I have too many people I care about and I am too giving of a person to be only looking out for myself all the time.  Maybe I should be more selfish, but that is a reflection for another time.

For that reason, I know why this person only vacations in my life.  It must be difficult to be around someone who is constantly thinking of other people and making sure they are happy before worrying about themselves.  That is not necessarily a great quality to have either, as too many people take advantage of it, but that is the kind of flower child I am . . . but I digress.  I am all for the rambling man, the rolling stone, the free spirit who cannot be tied down to anyone, these are some of my favorite people. However, I just cannot condone people who come into other people’s lives and use them as puppets for their own enjoyment.  Sure, maybe they do not notice that's what they're doing, but wouldn't that be the bigger issue?  To be so unaware of how you go through people and the fact that you find relationships of any kind expendable?

Let’s all have a little self-awareness.  You are responsible for the energy you bring into a room and the energy you bring into someone’s life.  Embrace it, be proud of it, and try to use it for the better; it is a powerful tool.  You alone have the power to [even if only momentarily] brighten or darken someone’s day, and as we all know, with great power comes great responsibility[1].  So please, be aware of what you put out into the universe, and save the tourism for actual vacationing. 

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[1] Yes, Uncle Ben, I just threw a Spiderman reference into my blog.  #NerdHerd

Lessons I learned from dating a Veteran

There have been a few articles about the ‘pros and cons’ of dating a ‘Generation Y Military Man[1]’, and while some of them are better reads than others, I felt I needed to weigh in on it.  I am solely speaking from my experience with my veteran friends as well as a past paramour.  This list is not simply pros or cons, but it is more of an outline as to what you may potentially go through to be in the life of a Veteran/Serviceman.

Breaking the Barrier

The military teaches you to trust your unit, and seldom others (outsiders).  You are meant to be extremely close with this group of people and everyone else is simply on a need to know basis.  You will not get more details than necessary on anything unless you dig and ask for them.  It is a lot of work to break down the barriers and gain enough trust to get them to open up and be vulnerable.  Trust me, it is worth the effort.

Shut Down
Do not expect this vulnerability to come quickly and come without setbacks.  If he comes to you with a problem, chances are he'll talk about it until he no longer wants to and then go into lock down.  Be patient, keep digging at those walls; eventually they will tumble down.

Band of Brothers

You need to understand that the military, in all of it's branches, is a brotherhood.  They will never have closer relationships than those they formed in the military; that is not a good thing or a bad thing, that is just a matter of fact, so that is something you need to understand.  If you're not the most secure person and cannot handle his friends being extremely important, than maybe dating a military person is not for you.  It is not a competition between his military friends and you, they are people who shared a very intimate part of his life, and you should want to be close with them too.

Loyalty

Many creeds through the branches reference loyalty or unity.  Military men are used to their band of brothers, and are bred to be loyal and protective.  They will love you fiercely and be the most faithful companion, if you can promise the same in return. 

Air of Authority

Some branches of the military (I’m looking at you, Marines) have a feeling of superiority over others.  Granted, that is earned due to the nature of their work and how much they put on the line.  However, in the civilian world, or in a relationship, it may be a little hard to deal with.  Their way is the best way, because they do know best.  This mentality is certainly more evident if they are coming from a higher rank; it is increasingly difficult for them to ‘fall in line’ with civilian life (i.e.-starting at the bottom level of a new job).  You need to understand this and realize how difficult it is for them to 'switch off' the military mindset.

Not all wounds are visible

Not every soldier comes home with PTSD.  Even if they have seen their fair share of battle, not everyone is going to come home worse off.  However, for those that do, there is nothing wrong with that.  Just keep in mind that the chances of them wanting to open up and talk about it, let alone seek help, are slim to none.  This will be trying for you, but imagine how they feel.  Expect sleepless nights, and bouts of being on the receiving end of awkward silences.  These things happen.  You need to try your hardest to understand, get them to talk about it (probably to a professional) and pretty much avoid all ‘triggers’…like war movies.

Fun Facts

They have likely traveled parts of the world you have not, and can tell you facts about different cultures/countries/states.  You will be inundated with more random facts about places like the middle east or the south than you care to cram into your brain.  Trust me, eventually, they will come up and be useful tidbits.  I won a round of trivia just because I knew dinar was a currency in Bahrain.  I also never heard of Bahrain before talking to my vet ex and now it constantly comes up.  Fun facts are everywhere, and it doesn’t hurt for you to sound more worldly too!

Events

Two words, dress blues. Both irresistible and ensures you are going somewhere classy and fun.  Not to mention whenever your beau is in his dress blues, he gets perks that civilians just don't get.  It could be exclusive access to events, free drinks, free entries, even just people thanking him for his service, these are all nice things that come with the uniform.

Pride

I am a sucker for someone who is passionate about what they do.  I love my job and people can immediately tell that whenever I begin speaking about it (which is all the time).  Servicemen and veterans fight to defend our country, they are modern day heroes; if that’s not something to be proud of, I’m not quite sure what is!

Navigation

They are used to being thrown into countries and situations where they are unfamiliar.  So when traveling, always expect to have a great navigator around.  This is their forte, being able to navigate around unfamiliar terrain.  Everyone is good at something.

Stereotypes and Questions

My biggest problem with all of these articles is that they stereotyped, over-generalized  and made blanket judgement on the military and veterans.  Each case is different as every person is different.  However, just for the sake of manners and being polite, you never want to ask a military person 'did you ever kill someone?' I have heard of people doing that and every single time I just look stunned and get secondhand embarrassment.  It's rude, unnecessary, cruel, and really, why would you want that person to relive that?  Veterans and active military members have lived through more things than us civilians can realize, be mindful when asking questions.  Yes, ask about their service, ask about boot camp, ask why they joined the military, their favorite place to visit, their funniest story, what they missed most; ask nostalgic questions, do not ask questions that can be perceived as malicious or make them withdraw.  No one wants to be reminded of tough times in their life no matter who you are.

Basically, dating a Generation Y military man is no different than dating anyone else.  Sure, they have baggage, but don’t we all?  Theirs may be unimaginable to you, but that does not make them any better or worse.  However, you do need to be aware that if you are dating a veteran or 'military man', there is a lot for you to understand.  You may have to jump through hoops to initially earn their trust, but once you do, you will get the most loyal companion you will ever have.  Oh dearest badge bunny, dating a veteran/military man is not all for giggles, it will take work and a lot of patience; but if you are interested in the person and not just their uniform, then they are definitely worth the pursuit.  We all have our short comings, our walls, our guard up, perhaps some of us more than others, but that just makes the journey more interesting.  Take everyone you meet with an open mind, graceful heart, and hopeful eyes.  Veteran, active military, 'Joe Shmoe' off the street, everyone deserves a fair chance with no preconceived notions.  So if you want an entertaining read, read the 3 articles in the footnotes along with mine, but if you are lucky enough to meet some of our country's finest fighters, do not use any of those as 'guidelines'.  Just be a decent human being and you will get decency back. :)

EDITOR NOTE: This blog was discovered by Task & Purpose and posted to their blog. Task & Purpose is a blog made by Hire Purpose, a company created by military veterans to bridge the gaps that exist from transitioning from active military to civilian life.  The edited and published article can be found here: http://taskandpurpose.com/9-smart-tips-dating-modern-military-men/

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[1] http://thoughtcatalog.com/jamie-perry/2013/11/5-warnings-for-dating-a-generation-y-military-man/

http://thoughtcatalog.com/caitlin-attal/2014/06/6-reasons-to-date-a-generation-y-military-man/

http://taskandpurpose.com/seriously-though-heres-date-modern-veterans/

It's just a date...sort of.

Last year I was really into going to one of my local spot’s Trivia Tuesday nights; I went there on dates, with my friends, with my new boyfriend at the time.  It was a fun way to spend an evening and it facilitated my competitive nature when it comes to flaunting my vast knowledge of useless facts.  The dates I went there with were the usual oddballs, and when my friends and I went, we always made friends and seemed to have an adventure.  However, it was when I took my [then] boyfriend that things really got interesting.

You see, despite dating for a few months, there were still friends in each other’s lives that we had not met yet.  So when a group of his friends came traipsing into the bar for trivia, they were shocked to see their friend ‘on a date.’  I suppose it did not matter we were boyfriend and girlfriend, a date is still a date, but if you ask him, that wasn’t a date.  [Editor Note: maybe this is the reason we are both single? We never could see eye to eye.] Alas, when it was time to name our team, we had some pithy remark, and their name blew everyone’s out of the water.

Now, let me preface by saying naming your team is a competition because the most clever team names are awarded points.  Furthermore, because the trivia night venue is in my neighborhood, I was no stranger to the other players and patrons in the restaurant.  That being said, when the most clever team name was announced and it was ‘Hey everybody look at [insert ex’s name here] in the white hoodie he’s on a date,’ I had a good chuckle.  After the 15^th time they said that team name and now the entire restaurant was looking at our uncomfortable last meal together, things started to get a little weird. 

I very seldom get embarrassed; I’m a pretty good sport about things that would mortify most people, and it really takes a lot to get me red and uncomfortable.  However, perhaps because we were on unsteady ground to begin with or perhaps because even the bartender was getting in on the joke by announcing, over the microphone, that my ex’s wife was on the phone looking for him.  No, he does not have a wife, and yes it was a funny joke, but boy did he turn 15 shades of red!  Now I'm not saying that night was the reason we broke up, it definitely wasn't, but it is a hilarious anecdote we now laugh at and went into my filing cabinet of 'bad date' stories.

After that lovely experience I took a break from trivia for a bit.  I did go back during the Rangers playoffs to watch the games and play a little bit, but of course my reputation preceded me every time I attended.  Luckily I was able to redeem myself with witty team names (like ‘insert witty name here’ in which every round I changed the name to add the word Wit..like WITney Houston, WITney Spears, WITchard Prior.  It was much harder than you would think!)  But alas, even when I am tied down in a relationship (which I no longer am presently) my highly amusing and slightly horrifying dating stories never cease to exist.  So remember, daters, whenever life gets you down and you need a good laugh, just keep an eye out for my dating blog and you’re sure to have a giggle.

Sometimes you just can’t take the War out of the Warrior.

For the past 10 or so years we have been living with war.  Regardless of your personal belief or feelings on the matter, it is something that is dominant in our culture today; Many young men and women risked their lives and are overseas fighting.  Whether or not you agree with why they are overseas, they are, and they deserve our support; they could be our mothers, fathers, brother, sisters, husbands or wives.  They are our peers, and quite frankly, my heroes. 

But what happens to these heroes when they come back home?  They spend a year or so overseas protecting people who are less than appreciative, and then they come back home to people who are apathetic, uninformed, or outright against them.  While many companies go out of their way to hire veterans and have great opportunities and programs for vets, some companies shy away from hiring them, saying they are over qualified or otherwise unfit.  This goes into the catch-22 of coming back to your home country as a vet.

Many veterans have a hard time adjusting to civilian life and often experience feelings of missing the war.  Sure, when you put it like that, it may make them seem like sociopaths, but that is not the case at all.  They do not miss the killing, the risk, the death or the uncertainty of war, what they miss is the camaraderie, the brotherhood that goes with it.  You spend a year fighting side by side with these men and women, seeing things that no one else can possibly comprehend, you get a bond that is much stronger than any friendship.  Being in the military is being in an eternal brotherhood.  You open yourself up to people in a way that civilian life doesn’t.  Essentially on a daily basis you are putting the needs and welfare of your group over your own.  This bond is certainly difficult to break, but it is also even harder to recreate when veterans return home.

While PTSD is a common occurrence in veterans, so is depression.  Sure, a lot can be attributed to what they have seen or done, but it also comes from a great loss.  Imagine going away from your home for a year or so and then coming back not being the same person.  Everyone you previously loved, your family, your friends, maybe even your significant other, is now essentially a stranger.  You don’t know their daily routines, or their favorite cereal, or things that you ‘should’ know, because you have been deployed for a year.  This is where the depression sets in.  Veterans go from a brotherhood where every day they have a sense of purpose, a mission to do, and come home and lose all of that.  It must be extremely difficult to come back from deployment and basically feel like a stranger in your own life.  You realize that you are no longer the same person you were when you left, and you long for people who understand that part of you.

While many family members and significant others of military servicemen and women are supportive, it is often hard for them to fully comprehend that side of them.  So the next time you come into contact with a veteran, think of how they completely had to adjust their whole way of thinking and feeling to come back into civilian life.  Think of all the things they risked for our country; not just by putting their life on the line, but the things their family went through, and no matter how hard they try some things you do not come back totally unchanged from.  Although that sounds like a bad thing, that is not always the case, but even the longing for brotherhood again is a fundamental change in the person they once were.  So when you see a veteran, understand their plight and thank them for their service.

‘The older you get, the fewer things you really love.’

Over the weekend I watched The Hurt Locker not once, but twice.  It was that fascinating to me.  The movie depicts the 365 day deployment of Sgt. Will James and his team in the Explosive Ordinance Disposal (EOD).  I can write an entire blog alone on The Hurt Locker, but I will just strongly suggest you watch it.  It is not the most truthful depiction of military action overseas, as a lot of what Sgt. James and co. do would never fly in the military, but nevertheless, it is a great movie. Anyone that knows me knows I am a huge military buff, but this movie really opened my eyes to a lot of the emotional turmoil these soldiers go through.

The last hour or so of the movie is really the best part.  In one of the final scenes Sgt. James goes back home and while talking to his son he tells him:

You love playing with that.  You love playing with all your stuffed animals.  You love your mommy, your daddy.  You love your pajamas.  You love everything, don’t you? Yeah. But you know what, buddy? As you get older, some of the things you love might not seem so special anymore. Like your Jack-In-a-Box.  Maybe you’ll realize it’s just a piece of tin and a stuffed animal.  And the older you get, the fewer things you really love.  And by the time you get to my age, maybe it’s only one or two things.  With me, I think it’s one.

I don’t know about you, but every time I watched that scene it sent chills down my spine.  The line ‘the older you get, the fewer things you really love,’ hits home.  Think about it, I mean really think about it.  When you are a child everything is new and whimsical, you fall in love with every new encounter.  As we get older, the world looks a lot more harmful than helpful, and we have experienced so much that it takes something extraordinary to get that zeal back from the mundane.  Sure, I am over generalizing here, there are days (most days) I see everything in the world and am in love with it; the same views I see in my daily commute, the corner store flowers I pass every day, most days I look at them and smile, but I still don’t have that same love for things as a newly discovering child does. 

It is a progression, as we get older we do not have that jovial love for everything we once had.  But is it so true that as we get older we really only have room in our heart for one or two things?

Unlike Sgt. James, I do not think that is true, that by the time you’re his age you only love one or two things, but I do think he is on to something.  I think growing up means letting go of so many things.  Love is special, and if you had love in your heart for everything, it wouldn’t really be special for any one thing.  I have a love for life, a general appreciation for nature, and an obsession with finding the beauty in every day, but love?  Sgt. James has a point on that one.  The things I used to love as a child I no longer do.  I am passionate about many things, interested in many things, ferociously protective of things, but I narrowed them all down to the most important.  In my age [my quarter-life-crisis age], I know there are very few things I really truly care about or love.  I notice they are less actual things and more people or passions.  But for those things, the things that make me happy, the people I care about, I am fiercely protective of and very much in love with.  So maybe what Sgt. James really meant to say is that you love fewer things as you get older, but the intensity in which you love becomes much more abundant.

I rather love a handful of things with the intensity of the sun than love everything all wishy-washy. And thus is how I live my life.

Welcome to the Jungle…it is NOT all fun and games

Well, it’s that time again, where I let you ladies and gents in on a few more dating secrets.  I know dating isn’t really ‘cool’ anymore, now it’s all just ‘hang outs,’ asking to ‘chill’ and ‘predates.’  Let me just stop everyone right then and there; I am an adult.  I do not need to hang out with you to see if you’re worth my time to actually go on a date with, that is what talking/texting is for.  You talk to someone for a bit, and if there is a mutual interest, then a date is in order. I should also specify that you should get to know the person a little before you go on a date, just so you're not meeting a total stranger and allowing for the situation to be even more awkwardly uncomfortable.

When I say ‘date,’ I do not necessarily mean a big elaborate plan or a fancy dinner.  Personally, I like first dates to be simple, like brunch, coffee or a few drinks.  My theory with that is that it puts less pressure on the date, keeping it more casual, and it gives you a nice time constraint if you end up having nothing in common.  First dates are always awkward; you do not need to put added pressure on them and yourself by locking yourself into a 2+ hour ordeal.  Keep the initial plans short, if you’re having fun, you can always find something else to do or you can end on a high note, cut the night early, and build anticipation for next time.

So now that you know my feelings on dates, let us discuss what these ‘hang outs’ are.  Being as chivalry is long dead and we are in there age where, thanks to dating apps and social media, there are plenty of options and a constant revolving door of prospects, daters do not like to commit.  I am not saying you go on a few dates with someone and you should be demanding exclusivity, per other blogs we know I am not like that; I am simply saying that a date should be a defined occasion, and your intentions should be clear.  I am not a fan of ambiguity, life is filled with uncertainties to begin with and dating should not be one of them.  Dating should be fun; it should be filled with promise and entertaining activities (like mini-golf, who doesn’t like mini-golf?) When you put these ‘casual’ labels on things it all of a sudden puts a  heavy cloud of angst on the ‘date’ where you don’t know what to wear, what to say; do you shake hands or kiss goodnight, do you text them to thank them for a nice evening? What is actually happening?

That is just way too much unnecessary pressure and drama for my liking.  Keep things simple.  This is why whenever someone asks me to ‘hang out’ or ‘chill’ I immediately follow it up with the word date.  I am not being some priss that needs to be wined and dined, but I do need to be treated with respect and actually asked on a date like an adult.  If we are ‘hanging out’ I will assume we are friends, and you will quickly find yourself in the dreaded ‘friend zone.’  Sorry, kid, but that is just how the cookie crumbles.

Once you finally get the gall to ask someone on a proper date, let’s now go over the ground rules.  A personal pet peeve of mine is people asking me out on dates same day.  Do I look like I have no life?  I have roughly 4 hours of free time a day, and between errands, cooking, the gym and my new found love for the chiropractor, my days book up pretty quickly.  So when you ask me out on a date, you better have a good argument as to why I should drop what I am doing to spend time with you.  I’m sorry if that comes off bitchy, but it’s pretty inconsiderate to ask someone at 8pm (or later!) to go out for drinks.  Not only does that make it sound like you were a last resort/boredom deterrent, but it also shows that the person does not really care about your previous plans.  Thus, I always say no to the people that ask me on last minute dates, that is just unnecessary, and 9 times out of 10 I have no interest in said rude person anyway. 

Assuming you are a gentleman (or a lady, girls can ask guys out on dates too!) and ask your love interest out at least a day in advanced, now where do you go from there?  I tend to say you should ask someone out within a few days of when you want to actually go out, this way they do not forget about it and you’re not making plans weeks in advanced.  But even if you only make plans the day before, you should always check in day of.  Even if you did not do the asking, you should still check in; don’t just assume nothing has changed and the plan is still on.  We all reconfirm meetings in the business world, dating is just another interview/meeting.  The catch-22 with that, however, is that you do not want to wait too late to confirm the date, because the person may think you’re bailing and make other plans.  So, dear dater, try to check in around lunch time.  Everyone is happy at lunch time, and they will appreciate your enthusiasm towards the date.

If you are not the date planner, and the dater is trying to be romantic and not tell you date details, just dress [business] casual cool.  You can never go wrong with a summer dress and sandals, or a polo (although I prefer the button down) and some boat shoes.  The whole point of dating is you are supposed to look effortless and be so excited about the potential of where this may lead, but in real life, dating is scary!  There is so much that can go wrong; food in your teeth, lull in conversation, you get catfished[1], the person isn’t as interesting or cute as they were after that 4^th shot of tequila, the horrible possibilities are endless!  But since we can take some pressure off of dating, by being upfront about the date, confirming it, and dressing in your ‘Sunday’s best’, why don’t we do that?  Hopefully this blog inspired you to grab your dating life by the wheel and steer it into the direction you want it to be in[2]! It’s a jungle out there, daters, and unlike what Axl Rose[3] says, it is not all fun & games.  But at least you have me, your friendly veteran dater, spilling all my dating secrets and horrible stories.  At the very least you get a good laugh at someone else’s expense [mine] and maybe you’ll even learn something!

Later, Daters.

xoxo

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[1] Catfish: When you meet someone from the internet in real life and they are not who their profile portrayed them to be. Liars!

[2] I’m not entirely sure that metaphor made any sense . . . just go with it.

[3] Referencing 1987’s hit ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ by Guns N’ Roses..if you did not previously know that, welcome to earth!

Summer of Yes

Last month I read a book, Girls in White Dresses[1], in which the characters discussed having a Summer of Yes.  The rules were they had to say ‘yes’ to everything [within reason] in order to gain some new experiences and give people they normally would not give a shot.  As I am always up for trying new things, I figured I would adopt this theory into my own life.

Luckily for me, I haven’t been asked on any horrific dates like depicted in the book (although that’s my normal life) but I have participated in some pretty cool new activities.  I went to a dueling piano bar[2] a few weeks ago, soberly, and it was still a lot of fun.  I am signed up for the Color Run[3] coming up on Saturday, I also signed up for a cupcake tour (I am a fat kid at heart), a graffiti tour, and I have plans to go to an ‘ice bar’ all on the docket.   Last weekend I even took a spontaneous trip out to Coney Island, which isn’t too crazy of a plan, but it was impulsive.   The Summer of Yes actually kicked off with an NYPD BBQ at the Boat Basin in the city, followed by a bar party in my neighborhood; and as if that was not an eventful Friday enough, the weekend continued with another eventful BBQ  that was more like a reunion party.  I also went to a pinot and painting class where I made a pretty interesting painting, and some impromptu happy hours.  So far this Summer of Yes is going pretty well for me . . . probably because it just involves me going to new events with my friends, but I’ll take it!  At least it puts me into new environments where I have the potential to meet more people.  Not every blog/project in my life has to be about dating . . . although that certainly keeps things entertaining.

What really prompted me to write this blog, though, is an interesting email I received yesterday.  My cousin sent me an email linking me to another girl’s blog[4] who is giving herself a personal challenge, to go on 100 dates by the end of the summer.  Now, my cousin who sent me the link took the argument that I should try the same thing.  However, the thought was that I don’t go on enough dates and maybe I would be more lighthearted about them and as a side effect, I would have more material.

My problem with this is that I am pretty lighthearted when it comes to dates.  That could be for several different reasons, but for the most part I don’t get ‘crying in fetal position in the corner’ nervous about them.  Yet I think if I went on more dates, I would be completely turned off by the idea of dating.  I am under the impression that you should be selective with dating because if you are not, you will get burned out and not want to go on any.  Last year I went on a whole bunch of dates, and in no time at all I was irritated by the whole idea of dating.  This year, while I try to be more selective, I still go on my fair share of ‘why not’ dates, but I cut that number down by a lot.  You shouldn’t have to force these things.  If you’re not feeling the person, the idea of the date does not excite you, or really, you have no feelings on the matter whatsoever, then these are all reasons not to go.  I don’t force myself to go out because I know if I’m not going in a positive mindset, that isn’t doing me or the other person any favors.  Furthermore, if I’m not excited to go out or see the other person, then they probably aren’t right for me anyway.

So while I wait for someone interesting to come along, I will keep up with the Summer of Yes and see what other kind of trouble I can get into.  Sure, dueling pianos might seem like your idea of a placid night, but considering the musicians kept calling us the ‘heavy metal table,’ interacting with us and rocking our interesting song requests, it was anything but serene.  These are the best years of my life, where I am completely unattached and can do anything I want on a whim, I am absolutely going to take full advantage of it.  What better way to do that than to spend time with the amazing people I already have in my life, trying new things, and meeting some potential new friends along the way? I am always reminding myself to love where I’m at in life, not just worrying about the future or glamorizing the past.  With all these new and interesting escapades I am going on, and just where my life has taken me so far, I am pretty sure no one loves their life as much as I do.  Bring it on, Summer of Yes, I am ready and able for all adventures coming my way.

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[1] http://lctranette.blogspot.com/2014/05/because-i-am-nerdbook-review-girls-in.html

[2] http://www.shakerattlerollpianos.com/

[3] http://thecolorrun.com/brooklyn/

[4] http://100datesofsummer.tumblr.com/