Be Strong, But Do Not Be Hard

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”

That is my favorite quote from Kurt Vonnegut.  I happen to think it is hauntingly beautiful and quite profound. In a world that is constantly presenting reasons to be sad or hurt or hateful, you must still find the positive. In my opinion, this quote can be applied to all factions in life. . . for example, my favorite educational topic, DATING!

The dating game is a tough one because you need to learn from your past mistakes, but not let them make you hard, bitter and jaded for the next brave soul who comes around.  There is also another factor you need to be juggling; being strong vs. being mean.  Sometimes you meet people or you enter a relationship, and it is not what you need at the moment, and even though you care about person, you cannot stay.

Let’s say you meet someone and you want a relationship and they want something more casual, but they’ll send you mixed signals, treat you like a significant other, but then disappear for weeks or say they don’t want anything serious; this is when you need to be strong.  That does not mean they are bad and you should be mean, that just means they are bad for you and you should walk away.  You can have love for someone, they can be great, but that does not necessarily mean they are great for you.

I know firsthand, it is very hard to walk away from something you want, and I know a lot of friends that are in the same boat as me.  Unfortunately, and please heed this warning dearest daters, you cannot save people.  You need to love someone for who they are and where they are at the present moment, not who you can see them being.  That being said, when someone tells you they aren’t looking for anything serious or they don’t want to be with you, but they still reach out to you here and there, you need to believe them.  Be strong and ignore them when they reach out.  I’m not saying you need to be mean to that other person, but you need to be strong enough to walk away from anything that isn’t right for you. 

Some people I know would argue that you should wait around, continue presenting your best self, take care of the other person and hope they see how great you are and you win them over.  While that plan could work, my rebuttal is why on earth would you want to be with anyone whom you have to convince to be with you? We have all been in those unrequited love situations; where you are infatuated with someone and they are infatuated with the attention you give them so they give you just enough to keep you hanging on a line but not enough to think you have a chance. That is not fair to you, and really, do you want to be with such a narcissist?  Being in a relationship should not be means for an escape from yourself.  You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else, and the people that go around only loving others for how much they love them are people that do not love themselves; thus they can never truly love you the way you deserve. 

Everyone should love themselves and to have someone love them for who they truly are, not just how you make them feel.  Love yourself enough to not settle for anything less than someone who knows what they have when they have you.  Do not chase after someone hoping they will change their mind about you.  Go out there and be your best self and do everything you want to; be happy with yourself, and you will find someone to complement you.  You should be with your counterpoint who also loves themselves enough to be confident with their life and not look for an escape into another person.   

Be strong enough to walk away from anything or anyone that does not suit you, but soft enough to welcome the right person into your life.  Personally, I rather not play in the band at all than play second fiddle, so I know I will not wait around for anyone to change their mind about being with me.  Life is all about timing, and if you do not catch the prize the first time, you may not get another chance.  That is how I look at myself, and you should too.  Never let anyone be your priority when you are just their option; you are more special than that.  So go put yourself out there, embrace the beauty of the world and love, but do not waste your time on anyone.  You are unique and exceptional and magnificent, shame on whoever does not see that the first time.  Be strong, be soft, and gladly embrace every opportunity you are faced with, for better or worse.

‘Season of Love’: For the Single

With the impending heart holiday a few days away, it seems that most single people are running for the bars or sadly reflecting with their bloody battered hearts in hand.  Here’s my advice to you, STOP IT RIGHT NOW! Get it together, girls and boys, it is JUST another day.  Single/taken/married/question mark status, it does not matter, it is just another day.  If you are with someone, you should not need an overpriced commercial holiday to make you be romantic and try new things/restaurants/events.  You should try to make your significant other feel special daily, or at least not just on a designated ‘holiday.’  For those of you that are single, you are single the other 364 days a year too, what is the difference?  If people making out in bars/trains/public spaces doesn’t bother you on a normal day, why let it bother you on Valentine’s day?  Let us not make monsters out of a day that was created to sell extra candy.  While this may sound like the rant of some scorned woman, I can assure you it is not.  I have been in several long term relationships in my life and I have only gone out and did the whole ‘commercial valentine’s day’ experience ONCE in my life.  It was never something that really interested me.  Why do you need to blow all this money on roses (which remind me of funerals more than love) and dinner (which is raising the price and lowering the quality) on a day when you can get me my favorite sunflowers and a nice dinner any other day during the year?  But, I digress.

Valentine’s day also holds a stigma for single people; that they are somewhat unfit and need to rehash what went wrong in past relationships.  This time last year and this present 'love season' I have been faced with several single girlfriends who are in the ‘where did I go wrong/will this get easier’ phase of their singledom.  For those of you that are newly single (welcome!), or those that are still trying to navigate your way through the rubble of a breakup, let me be the first to tell you: it does get easier.

I guarantee it; all of this heartbreak will get easier.  You will get over your [in]significant other, this pain will make sense to you, and you will move on and meet the person that you are meant to, in due time.  I think of all the times I  had given my heart away, only to get it returned bruised and beaten, and how badly it hurt me; but looking back on it, and seeing how many of my girlfriends ask me for advice now (and you too, blogfam) it was obviously setting me up for something bigger.  All of my heartbreak was just a learning experience, and while that sounds completely cliché, it is entirely true.  My past tragedies have only made my future that much easier, for me and those I love. 

The problem with moving on is that everyone makes it seem like its the easiest thing in the world.  When you go through a breakup, all of your friends say ‘move on’ ‘move on,’ like it is as simple as that.  What no one tells you is it is not that simple.   I am not here to sugarcoat things for anyone; I have the distinct ‘talent’ of dishing out unrelenting honesty. I rather be given and hurt by the truth so I can plan accordingly than to be told a lie and blindsided later.  So let me tell you the truth, my dearly dedicated readers, moving on is really really tough; moving on takes a lot of hard work and conscious decision making on your part.  It is like putting yourself on a diet; you cannot avoid all of the donuts and chocolate (or couples/commercial love holidays paraphernalia/your ex), you see them everywhere, you want them, but you know they aren’t good for you. So you just have to cut them out.  Sure, you have your days of backsliding or you will stare at them lustfully, but eventually you just have to make the conscious decision to choose something else, something better, every day.  Eventually it will be second nature to just choose the ‘better for you’ option, but until then (it takes 60 days to form a habit) you will just have to deliberately make other choices.  You have to be tough on yourself and make yourself a promise; you deserve better and you will not settle for anything less. 

Going back to a past love rarely works out, after all, you did breakup for a reason.   If you find yourself sad and missing your ex and wanting to text them, go on Tinder/OkCupid or whatever dating app people use now and message someone else.  Every time you want to stalk his or her social media, friend a cute friend-of-a-friend instead.  Sure, this may stop you from stalking because who wants to look creepy and friend cute mutual friends they don’t know[1], but you never know, maybe you DO friend someone and you guys chat and things work out! Could happen, that is what we call a win-win.

Unfortunately though, the rumors are not true, all is not fair in love and war.  It hurts and stings and is tough, but you have to make the effort to change.  All great change is preceded by chaos, a quote that certainly rings true in love.  Things do not change unless you make changes, so if you have to move on (whether you like it or not), put in that work and move on.  Sure, it sucks and it’s difficult, but you know you deserve better.  So please, go out this Valentine’s Day and start your own Black Hearts Club and cause some havoc! Go makeout with a stranger or two, go eat some ice cream and watch bad movies, have lots of wine and deliciously bad-for-you food.  This is your time, live it up! Do not mope and wallow, because you know the ex-object-of-your-affection is not sitting at home ruining their life over losing you.  That being the case, why on earth would you want to give anyone else that power?  You are a great, important, special, unique little snowflake, and your ex is a jerk for not knowing it when they had you! So, shine on, little diamond, make them regret losing you and go on your way to find someone way better.  The best thing about being single is that the opportunities are endless, so go take advantage of the vast possibilities, no matter what day!

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[1] I would! Fortune favors the brave.