I needed an extra giggle in my life lately so I decided to
revisit the world of online dating. Let
me preface with I have never and will never actually meet anyone from a
dating site, but it is hilarious to see how the other half lives. I feel like I lurk the internet to write
these blogs just to save people, mainly from themselves [or their creepiness],
and to give them a fighting chance and some insight as to what females are
thinking.
First off, as we all know the whole ‘creepy’ angle doesn’t work. There is no reason to only have pictures of
every other body part except for your face, but clearly some people were raised
by wolves. Also, if you’re going to only
have pictures of your six-pack or God knows what else, then don’t put in your
profile how you are looking for a ‘sweet girl to take home to mom’. Unless your mom also walks around with her
goods hanging out, I am sure she will not appreciate any girl that is attracted
to your raunchy pictures and uncomfortably lewd messages.
Not
as obscenely in your face as the raunch[1] pictures, but ENOUGH with
the gym pictures! Enough. Everyone has them, I am unsure why, but everyone has them and it is
really really unnecessary. Mentioning in your profile you like to work out is
good, taking a thousand pictures of you in the [empty] gym mirror standing in
front of some machines flexing? Not so much. Actually, it is just sad. Sure, I may not look like I
like to work out, but I do, and you know what? I actually work out! I don't
just take pictures of myself in a gym. If you still look good after your workout, then you did not workout hard enough. If you look cute while going to workout, then you have an alterior motive. I look like a banshee when I workout, and that is because I am there to burn calories and kick butt. So, ladies and gents, that is
where we stand on that. Go to the gym and leave the camera at home; it
creeps real gym goers out.
On the flip side, this also goes for uniforms, i.e. - FDNY,
NYPD, Military, whatever. Do not post
pictures of you mainly in your uniform and then complain when you only get
messaged by badge bunnies[2].
Let’s use a little thought here, quality people stick with quality people. Ergo if you are being a trashbag[3],
then do not expect to get the Queen of England, because that is not the
vibe you are putting out.
As we have previously established
in my other blogs, the internet is a ‘safe haven’ for people to act the way
they would never act in person, and just be really creepy trolls. For example, someone made a ‘dynamic duo’
profile and put up pictures and stats (insert eye roll here) for two different people. That’s right, two people, one profile! Okay, so obviously they are not looking for
love on here [as if anyone would find it anyway] but really, do you need to be
such a blatant pig? Clearly these people are desperate, and anyone that
actually contacts them is equally as disgusting.
I have decided through diligent research that the users of this dating site can be broken up into the following
categories: the horribly desperate [like the dynamic duo], people who live in their mom’s basement and will chop
you to pieces on your first date, the painfully shy, the 1% of people who are
actually looking for a relationship, the thirsty[4],
and then people like me who just want a funny story (or in this case, blog) to
tell. While some people do find true
love on internet sites like Match or eHarmony, free websites are more just to
see who is out there . . . and let me tell you it is not a pretty sight/site.
If you need to have your default
picture be a collage of yourself with a disclaimer ‘I have no Baby Momma Drama,’
well then life is not looking too promising for you. Be a little self-aware of the image you are
putting out there. If you have a really
weird ‘about me’ but then somewhere in there say how you are sarcastic and
funny, okay then I will pray to the computer gods that all your profile was
written in jest.
I feel like this next bit needs
to have it’s own paragraph because it is extremely important and not too many
people really give it much thought . . . goes along with being self-aware of
your image. If you are only posting
pictures of you smiling closed mouthed, constantly wearing a hat, or
sunglasses, well then your profile is suspect.
The only reason to constantly hide your eyes is because you probably
have a thyroid problem and you can see the whites all the way around them . . .
get that checked out. If you’re always
wearing a hat, then I will assume you have no hair. Granted, some people look AMAZING in hats and
then take them off and just look ‘okay’, maybe you’re that person, but have at
least one [recent] picture of you without a hat, otherwise people will think
you are bald. Same thing goes for never
smiling with your teeth. I happen to
alternate between closed and opened smiles; I never know which I like
more. But, I am also very into hygiene
and know important mouth cleanliness is.
So if you never smile to show your teeth, then assume people are going
to look at you like George Washington and think you have wooden chompers of
some sort.
Even if you are not on the internet, or would never date
anyone from the internet, keep in mind the image you give off. Not that I am really the most conscience of
body language, but if you are smiling closed mouthed or crossing your arms, you
look unapproachable. Dating isn’t for
everyone, it can be really awkward, so ease into it, go on some friend dates
first. But at least put yourself out
there and be aware. Not just of
other people, but of how other people see you! Not that you should care what everyone
thinks, but just being aware of how people perceive the vibes you give off can
go a great deal towards the perpetual battle of not dying alone with a
bunch of cats.
Moral of the story, have a little [or a lot] of class and
tact, but still try to have fun.
Good luck out there and remember, in the words of the great
Pat Benatar: Love is a battlefield.
