Time is of the essence.

It’s that time of year again, yet another PSA on dating protocols! I know, I know, you’re very excited.  Well for the men I seem to find myself on dates with, and all the rest of you love lost daters, I am going to hit you with some truth.  It does not matter how rare or special or great you THINK you are, no one is going to wait around for you.

It is an unfortunate truth that we are in the era of internet dating, countless ‘selfies’ and attention mongers, so there are endless opportunities.  Sure, they may not be the most fruitful dating opportunities, but we, as a society, are constantly flooded with internet compliments (comments of praise, ‘likes’, pokes, etc) that we begin to feel we are more special than we are.  The truth is, while the grass is greener where you water it, people will always feel the grass is greener on the other side, and everyone is easily replaceable.  That being a truth, the whole ‘waiting game’ of dating is a thing of the past.

If someone gives you their number (regardless of the gender) it is because they want you to reach out and ask them out.  That is not to say you need to text them before they even walk out of your sight, but you do not need to wait several days before reaching out.  Furthermore, there is a statute of limitations on contact.  I met someone over the summer, gave them my number, chatted for a little but nothing ever came of it.  Flash-forward several months later and he reaches out.  Now, you know it was well passed the statute of limitations, because upon receiving the text I had no idea who ‘X name Y Bar’ was in my phone.  Even after texting back and forth for several messages I was getting a vague idea of who he was, I thought I knew, but I wasn’t 100% sure.  That means you waited way too long to reach out and are not only irrelevant, but look desperate as well.  Unfortunately this is relatively common, as I had someone text me this past summer that I met LAST summer.  I’m sorry, what were you doing for an entire year?! Luckily I was not interested at all, but I don’t even want to be bothered with your nonsense.

The flip side of this coin is that not only do you need to initiate contact quickly, but you do need to act swiftly as well.  If you do not ask someone on a date right away you get stuck in that conversation limbo.  Yes, it is plausible that people get busy with life and it takes you a while to find a mutually convenient time in your schedules to meet, but if you are not trying then you are in danger of going into the friend zone.  I have been in situations where I am talking to someone and it’s nice, but we can never seem to get a date together, or rather, the guy feels the need to chat all day long but never wants to make a move.  All of that is fine, I am happy to make the first move, but when you sidestep all of my attempts to reach out and say you’re busy, you cannot get mad (or ‘miffed’) when I am disinterested and no longer feel the need to hang out with you.  Despite what your mother tells you, or what your facebook likes and Instagram followers lead you to believe, you are not special.  You are not special enough for someone to wait around for you and miss all other opportunities. 

I’m not saying that you are utterly ordinary, maybe deep down when someone gets to know you, you are special; but there is no way for someone to know that right off the bat, so there is no reason for them to wait for you.  So here is my advice, blogfam, if you want something (or someone) take it! Right then and there, if you want something, go for it.  You never know who is going to come along and sweep your person off their feet, so there is no time like the present to make a move.  Even if they don’t meet someone else in the interim of your slow movement, the worst place in the world to be is on the receiving side of apathy.  That is a very hard one to come back from.  So, onward and upwards, take fate into your own hands and make a move! Don’t let fear of rejection (or the potential of finding something better) keep you from action, because that will just leave you closer to ending up old and alone…or at least bored on a Saturday night. J

How Much Fight Do You Have In You?

I am a perpetual pessimist.  I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop or planning for things to go in the completely opposite direction as I want them to, because they always do.  Well . . . that is not entirely true.  Yes, I am always prepared for the worst.  Yes, I usually get thrown about a dozen curve balls to every one thing I want to accomplish.  However, all of the effort [the blood, sweat and tears] that goes into everything I do (and believe me, it is everything) just makes me that more confident.

You see, dear readers, anytime I set out on a new journey or devise a plan to accomplish a new goal in my life, a giant monkey wrench gets thrown into my life.  It does not matter what the goal is or how big the obstacle is, one always appears.  ALWAYS.  [You can ask my mom[1] for proof.]  So that being the case, before every great movement in my life, I am faced with a brief (and usually profound) sense of anxiety.  I easily get overwhelmed with the negative ‘what ifs’ and usually condemn myself to failure before I even begin. 

While that is pretty much the worst thing I can do to myself, I almost relish in the pre-failure.  It’s pretty masochistic, really, and I’m only realizing I do it now that I’m writing it out to myself (and after today’s unforeseen victory) but I love being the underdog.  There is something about coming back in the final hour and just kicking butt; once everyone has already counted you out, you rise up and win the series.  That is pretty much my life in a nutshell.  Yes, my life is like the (seldom ever) World Series Mets . . . except I win way more than I lose.

So what I’m really trying to say is; never count yourself out.  When you want something in life, doesn’t matter what obstacles are in your way, give all the fight you got left.  Give all of your fight, and then give more.  Keep fighting until you reach your goal.  I have been applying to grad school for three years now.  Correction, I have been applying for the pre-requisites for grad school for three years now.  After some acceptances/schedule conflicts, denials/meltdowns and then a final acceptance to a program that fits my schedule (ya see what I mean about obstacles?) I got into the pre-req program.  So what is next to continue my forever journey to a masters degree?  The GRE, and then back to the application process.  You see, I’m one of those people that hate wasting time, so I pile everything onto my plate, have a breakdown when it’s too much, but end up accomplishing everything I set out to.  So despite having many a meltdown about this GRE and feeling wildly mal prepared, I took it.  And do you know what? I did pretty okay.  Sure, I did not pass with flying colors, but for someone who hasn’t taken a test like that in 10 years and did the bare minimum of preparation, I did pretty darn good.

Basically what my whole point of this is, give everything you got.  Semper Ad Meliora.  Always towards better things.  That is what I remind myself every single day.  Sure, my life takes wildly unpredictable twists and turns, and I hit a bump on the road almost every day of my life, but I genuinely would not be a quarter of the person I am today if I didn’t have to fight to become her.  While I do end up mainly victorious, every victory is an uphill battle; and quite frankly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.  All of my trials and tribulations make me realize how strong I am.  How tough I can be.  How resliant I am in the face of adversity, and really just how much I can take to achieve my goals.  Nothing will stop me from creating the life I see and the woman I want to become.  Although a lot of things have tried to hinder that process, I can happily say that I hit back way harder than I have been hit; life never gets me down for too long. 

So whenever you’re feeling down in the dumps or thinking that life just isn’t going your way, just remember that life is going your way.  It is knocking you down and setting you up for the greatest comeback in the books.  Classic underdog.  Classic phoenix story.  Take the hit, fall of that horse, brush yourself off, rise from the ashes and continue on your way.  It is not how hard you hit, but how hard you can get hit and keep fighting[2].  Stay in the fight, dear readers, life is so much more beautiful when you have to work hard for it.

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[1] Hi Mom!! (although she doesn’t read this.)

[2] Sure, I just paraphrased Rocky.

When You Put Yourself First..

I have always heard of a quarter-life-crisis; from books, media, my friends, it was not a foreign concept to me.  However, I was never totally sold on the idea . . . that is, of course, until it happened to me.  Funny how that always happens, you never think things exist or could actually happen until you get smacked in the face with reality. 

My quarter-life-crisis really just consists of a few difficult years each bringing their own obstacles, but leading me ever closer to where I am meant to be.  It is very easy to spiral out of control when you are overwhelmed, stressed, nothing seems to be going your way and there is no end in sight.  I won’t lie, some days that is me, happily plunging down the rabbit hole of self-pity, but most days I try to accept that there IS a plan and what lies ahead is far better than what lies behind me.  So, I am just trudging through the mud and biding my time until all this hard work pays off. 

The great thing about this time, though, is that I am learning a lot.  I am working, studying, managing my house, friends, family, daily nonsense, all by myself.  This is the longest I have been single in my adulthood (the whole 2 years), but for the very first time, I am completely alone.  I do not live with my significant other or my parents or even roommates.  If I don’t make my bed in the morning, well I come home to a messy bed at night.  If I don’t take something out to be defrosted in the morning, then it looks like Seamless for dinner for me!  With all these curve balls life has thrown me in the past few years, living on my own has actually made it easier.

When I say easy, I do not mean that it is easier to go through everything alone, but it forces me to depend on myself.  Sure, I do have bouts where I call my parents and brother and make them cook me dinner or watch a movie with me, but 90% of the time I am alone.  I get to know myself in a way that I previously haven’t been able to.  Have you ever lived by yourself? I mean completely alone, I can’t even keep a plant alive let alone a pet.  It is just you and your thoughts 24/7.  You get to do what you want, when you want, and really learn about what it is you want. 

Living on my own for two years now I have discovered tons of things about myself.  So much so that when people do come into my space and start trying to take over I notice that I really like MY way better than anyone else’s.  The great thing about this time is that I do get to learn more about the person I am, and be strong and confident enough in her that I will never surrender her for another person’s happiness again.  I was always the ‘people pleaser’ in relationships.  I like to do nice things for people in general, and I am a good character reader, so I would always bend over backwards and inconvenience myself to appease others.  All that led to was me losing the person I was, being sad and lost, and the other person caring more about their own happiness than mine.  This was where my 2 year search really kicked off.  I knew that I need to be happy with me, and really figure out what I liked and wanted out of life.  I got to blast the music I wanted to blast, read the books I wanted to read, record all the silly TV shows I want.  I am just completely enamored with the little life I’ve built for myself. However, like with all great things, a downfall must follow . . . I am so happy in my own solitude that I am not openly welcoming to share that.  Sure, if you’re great then I will accept you and want you in my life, but you are going to have to be pretty darn great to make me want to let you in to the Fortress of Solitude.

My advice to you, ladies and gents, is that no matter how old you are---take some time for yourself.  Even if maybe you cannot completely live on your own just yet, learn to be happy in your own company.  Because really, you cannot love anyone else until you know who you are and love yourself first and foremost.  So bring it on, quarter-life-crisis, as long as I have myself, I have this under control!

What College Means to Me; And Why I Will Forever Be A Jasper

Anyone that meets me for longer than 5 seconds knows I am a New Yorker, through and through.  I was recently at a wedding where the Bride’s father described me as ‘New York’ to every passerby.  I wasn’t mad at the fact, it is true.  I have New York engrained in my core, and I could not be prouder to call it my home.  However, despite the NYC skyline making my smile on a daily basis, my real home(s) are the boroughs.  Not going into too much detail, I have pretty much lived in or pledged my allegiance to 4 of the boroughs (sorry, Staten Island, no thanks.)  But the Bronx homes my school, and for that I will forever be grateful.

College is a defining moment in everyone’s life.  It is where they spend 4 years, exiting adolescence, and start to become transcended into the adult they are meant to be.  As my peers could attest, some lucky men and women meet their soulmate in college.  This was something my mother always hoped for me, I think.  Unfortunately for me, my school was so small that by the beginning of Sophomore year I had already befriended who I wanted and gave up on everyone else for a long term paramour.  Still, years later, I do not regret that decision.  While my mother may have expected me to meet my soulmate in the form of a husband, she wasn’t entirely wrong about me meeting my soulmate. 

I believe that a soulmate is your soul’s counterpart; someone who understands the darkest, dreariest corners of your soul, loves you for your flaws, and complements your being.  For me, I found that in college on my first day; my down the hall neighbor, or ‘wingmate’ as our annex of the floor so had it be.  I met her on the very first move-in day in 2006, and despite her being 2 years older than me, we were inseparable.  Life may have taken us in many different directions; different states, different study aboard opportunities, different careers, even presently living in different countries, but throughout everything, I never doubted her dedication to my life…and I hope she never doubted mine.  You see, although I met Nicole (that’s her name. hey best friend!) nearly 10 years ago, I know that she will always be a permanent fixture in my life.  Not only because she has entirely too much dirt on me, and it would be too exhausting at this point to ‘break in’ a new bestie (halfjoking!) but because even when life gets in the way and we go a bit without talking, I could never picture her not being there for some random point in my life. 

It has been the better part of 10 years since we met, and this past weekend was her wedding day.  A wedding in which I was a part of the bridal party.  I was extremely humbled to be ask to be her bridesmaid.  I was humbled to play such an important role in her special day.  But mainly, I was taken aback by what an absolutely stunning bride she made.  This girl that I met at 20 years old was now this gorgeous, striking woman who was going to marry the man of her dreams (an amazing fairytale story all on its own.)  I have never had a prouder moment as a friend in my life.

So whenever I get my college’s newsletter and see all my fellow graduates marrying our other peers (some of whom married their exboyfriend’s roommate…awkward!) I laugh.  Because while I may not have found the love of my life in form of a husband, I found something better, a sister.   For many reasons, whenever people talk to me and ask me about my educational background, I always have a special place in my heart for Manhattan College.  While it gave me a great education and a firm foundation to grow on, it introduced me to some of the most amazing people.  People I know I cannot shake from my soul no matter how many years have passed.  This is why I get so passionate about my Alma Mater, and this is why I am profoundly grateful for MC.  

 
Forever and always, 1 will mean home.

Singing Me Home

I used to be a scene kid when I was younger; I always used to go to concerts and shows[1], knew all the local bands, I was always on ‘the scene.’  However as I got older I went to less shows, less concerts, and before I knew it, the only time I saw a band was if the bar I was going to on the weekend had a cover band on the docket.  Don’t get me wrong, I am a sucker for a good cover band, but I began to forget what it felt to be a part of something bigger; a feeling that only a good live show could give you.

As was mentioned in a previous blog[2], I went to an amazing concert (Brand New) during the summer in which it transcended me to a completely different place.  A serene moment where everything made sense and nothing else mattered but where I was at the moment.  That is the power of good music, it transcends you.  Several weeks ago, on a rainy and otherwise dull Saturday, I went to Jones Beach with a bunch of my friends to see The Gaslight Anthem and Jimmy Eat World.  Yes, THAT Jimmy Eat World.  I am a huge Gaslight fan, and have seen them several times before, but Jimmy Eat World was a band from my youth that I have never had the chance to see live.  Despite our tickets all being for different sections, the rain kept a lot of people away and our group of 5 was able to sit with each other.  The first band, Against Me!, came and went, pumping the arena with an energy that only a punk rock band can bring.  Then, almost immediately after, came Jimmy.

Now I should pause and preface with how, while I was looking forward to the concert in advance, that day I was not feeling good and had a lot of work at home to do which was making me cranky. 

But, the minute Jimmy hit the stage and started singing ‘Sweetness,’ my mood was completely uplifted.  Every note he hit, every word he sang, hit me like a ton of bricks.

There is no better feeling than being in the middle of a concert listening to a band sing all the words you wished you penned, and being in a stadium surrounded by people who just get it.  Something about live music hitting your soul . . . It can absolve all your sins, wash away all your worry, and put all chronic nagging of bad days to bed.  I forgot how seeing a good band live can make you drown in positive energy and make you feel infinite.  How listening to a band live and feeding off the energy of the room can make you feel like you are exactly where you are meant to be at the exact time you are meant to be there, with people who feel the same way.  It always surprises me when I lose myself for a minute, but then I come back to things I thought I outgrew and I find myself again.  There are some events that hit you like a phenomenon, making you rethink your purpose in life, making you realize how utterly small you are in an unforgiving and indifferent universe, and how comforting that feeling is.  Being immersed in live music by a band I love does that for me.  It makes me realize how the world is forever changing in an unapologetic way, and how I should cherish any moment that makes time just stop.  So whenever I feel I am getting lost, I can just turn on a song from my past and relish in the times I’ve lost myself in the moment at concerts.  And for that, I will forever be a free spirit. 

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[1] Shows are concerts of non-mainstream (non-famous) musicians

[2] http://lctranette.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-melody-sounds-like-memory.html