The internet is more scary than the monsters under your bed.

I needed an extra giggle in my life lately so I decided to revisit the world of online dating.  Let me preface with I have never and will never actually meet anyone from a dating site, but it is hilarious to see how the other half lives.  I feel like I lurk the internet to write these blogs just to save people, mainly from themselves [or their creepiness], and to give them a fighting chance and some insight as to what females are thinking.

First off, as we all know the whole ‘creepy’ angle doesn’t work.  There is no reason to only have pictures of every other body part except for your face, but clearly some people were raised by wolves.  Also, if you’re going to only have pictures of your six-pack or God knows what else, then don’t put in your profile how you are looking for a ‘sweet girl to take home to mom’.  Unless your mom also walks around with her goods hanging out, I am sure she will not appreciate any girl that is attracted to your raunchy pictures and uncomfortably lewd messages.

Not as obscenely in your face as the raunch[1] pictures, but ENOUGH with the gym pictures! Enough.  Everyone has them, I am unsure why, but everyone has them and it is really really unnecessary.  Mentioning in your profile you like to work out is good, taking a thousand pictures of you in the [empty] gym mirror standing in front of some machines flexing? Not so much.  Actually, it is just sad.  Sure, I may not look like I like to work out, but I do, and you know what? I actually work out! I don't just take pictures of myself in a gym.  If you still look good after your workout, then you did not workout hard enough.  If you look cute while going to workout, then you have an alterior motive.  I look like a banshee when I workout, and that is because I am there to burn calories and kick butt.  So, ladies and gents, that is where we stand on that.  Go to the gym and leave the camera at home; it creeps real gym goers out.

On the flip side, this also goes for uniforms, i.e. - FDNY, NYPD, Military, whatever.  Do not post pictures of you mainly in your uniform and then complain when you only get messaged by badge bunnies[2]. Let’s use a little thought here, quality people stick with quality people.  Ergo if you are being a trashbag[3], then do not expect to get the Queen of England, because that is not the vibe you are putting out.

As we have previously established in my other blogs, the internet is a ‘safe haven’ for people to act the way they would never act in person, and just be really creepy trolls.  For example, someone made a ‘dynamic duo’ profile and put up pictures and stats (insert eye roll here) for two different people.  That’s right, two people, one profile!  Okay, so obviously they are not looking for love on here [as if anyone would find it anyway] but really, do you need to be such a blatant pig? Clearly these people are desperate, and anyone that actually contacts them is equally as disgusting.

I have decided through diligent research that the users of this dating site can be broken up into the following categories: the horribly desperate [like the dynamic duo], people who live in their mom’s basement and will chop you to pieces on your first date, the painfully shy, the 1% of people who are actually looking for a relationship, the thirsty[4], and then people like me who just want a funny story (or in this case, blog) to tell.  While some people do find true love on internet sites like Match or eHarmony, free websites are more just to see who is out there . . . and let me tell you it is not a pretty sight/site.

If you need to have your default picture be a collage of yourself with a disclaimer ‘I have no Baby Momma Drama,’ well then life is not looking too promising for you.  Be a little self-aware of the image you are putting out there.  If you have a really weird ‘about me’ but then somewhere in there say how you are sarcastic and funny, okay then I will pray to the computer gods that all your profile was written in jest. 

I feel like this next bit needs to have it’s own paragraph because it is extremely important and not too many people really give it much thought . . . goes along with being self-aware of your image.  If you are only posting pictures of you smiling closed mouthed, constantly wearing a hat, or sunglasses, well then your profile is suspect.  The only reason to constantly hide your eyes is because you probably have a thyroid problem and you can see the whites all the way around them . . . get that checked out.  If you’re always wearing a hat, then I will assume you have no hair.  Granted, some people look AMAZING in hats and then take them off and just look ‘okay’, maybe you’re that person, but have at least one [recent] picture of you without a hat, otherwise people will think you are bald.  Same thing goes for never smiling with your teeth.  I happen to alternate between closed and opened smiles; I never know which I like more.  But, I am also very into hygiene and know important mouth cleanliness is.  So if you never smile to show your teeth, then assume people are going to look at you like George Washington and think you have wooden chompers of some sort.

Even if you are not on the internet, or would never date anyone from the internet, keep in mind the image you give off.  Not that I am really the most conscience of body language, but if you are smiling closed mouthed or crossing your arms, you look unapproachable.  Dating isn’t for everyone, it can be really awkward, so ease into it, go on some friend dates first.  But at least put yourself out there and be aware.  Not just of other people, but of how other people see you!   Not that you should care what everyone thinks, but just being aware of how people perceive the vibes you give off can go a great deal towards the perpetual battle of not dying alone with a bunch of cats.

Moral of the story, have a little [or a lot] of class and tact, but still try to have fun.

Good luck out there and remember, in the words of the great Pat Benatar:  Love is a battlefield. 

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[1] Abbreviated colloquialism for the term raunchy.

[2] Girls that are only attracted to uniforms/badges

[3] Colloquialism for classless mess

[4] Someone solely interested in physical advances

Freaky Friday

I am getting a little tired of the same old bar scene.  Yes, I said it; I am tired of the same local bar scene.  I live in a town that has a pub/bar/lounge on every corner; yet no matter which bar I go to, every weekend seems to just be one really long redundant night. Nothing ever changes, same bars (even when they’re not), same people, same music, same everything!!  Not being one for redundancy, and because I spent the previous weekend home, I wanted to do something a little different last Friday.  I decided to spice up my Friday night and go to a psychic.

Whether or not you believe in psychics is one thing, but no matter what, it is a good time and something out of the ordinary.  I have been to several psychics in my day; some have ‘the gift’, some are huge hoaxes, and some are just good at reading people and building from there [i.e.-see the show Psych.]  However, my mother, aunt and cousin went to a party where this psychic did readings and I heard good things, so I decided to go.   I went into this experience with a skeptical head.  I mean, the last psychic I went to was good, but she really didn’t give me too much to go on, but the two before that? Nothing! Nothing they said ‘came true’ and nothing they said I found particularly useful or funny.  But, this is for entertainment purposes and it gives me a conversation to have with my friends and to write a blog over, so onward I went.

The psychic I called was Dolly Deebs[1], who is a Brooklyn woman, straight shooter and really easy to talk to.  Not to mention, she is talented, affordable and really easy to work with schedule-wise.  She sits you down at a table and immediately turns on her iPad to record the (~)30 minute session.  Some psychics have you write while they’re speaking, or they write for you, this way you can remember all the information they are giving you.  Well, Dolly takes all the guess work out of that and records the entire session, which she sends you in email, so you can take every part of what she said and heed her advice when the opportunity presents itself. 

A friend and I went and we both thoroughly enjoyed Dolly’s reading.  Not all of it made sense to me right now, (hence the recording), and who knows if it will come true [as any one step can change your destiny outcome] but I really enjoyed listening to her and a lot of what she said made sense.  The few psychics I went to in the past had a lot to say, but Dolly was very different.  She was to the point, assertive, and really made you pay attention and believe what she was saying.  She had testimonials of other clients she has helped and it really made me all the more confident in her reading.  Dolly keeps the reading entertaining and fun despite being honest and sometimes not having the best news.  Just in her demeanor, the way she says things, and how assured she was in her own abilities, I was put at ease and began to have fun instantly, while still paying attention to what she was saying.

Dolly told me a lot of things that she couldn’t have possibly known, a lot of things I myself have forgotten.  While I cannot confirm that her future predictions have come true (as it is not the future just yet), the past and present she touched upon was pretty on point.

Regardless of if you believe in psychics, if just want to have a night out of the ordinary; you should contact Dolly, because you are bound to have a good story to tell! And for you, skeptics, who knows, you might be turned a believer!! I was never one to mess around with Tarot Cards or palm readings, because to me I find those are more traits you can learn and can make things up for, like what gypsies do. However, after sitting down with Dolly, I have a renewed faith.  I really enjoyed my reading with Dolly, she even went out of her way after the session to follow up via email and give me additional information. 

I would absolutely go to Dolly again, and, as you can tell from this blog, I recommend her highly. J

Schedule a psychic party or reading:

Dolly Deebs

Email: Dollyd0724@yahoo.com

http://dollydeebs.wordpress.com/

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[1] Psychic and Author of From Witch I Came. 

Murphy’s Law: Anything that could go wrong will go wrong

This is the story of my life; Murphy’s Law.  I am the perpetual Klutz McGee, which usually doesn’t bother me at all, but when I absolutely positively need something to go flawlessly . . . well, that’s when it all goes downhill.

Now, not everything needs to be a huge catastrophe; thank God, for me it’s usually just little things.  For example, my mother always used to tell me ‘make sure to look nice whenever you go out, because you never know who you will meet.’  Well this advice is obvious on a Friday/Saturday night, because getting dolled up on the weekend is my specialty, but any time I don’t head that advice, I usually regret it. 

Not getting it yet?  Okay, I will explain.

A few months ago my mother and I had tickets to go see The Nance on Broadway for a Sunday Matinee.  I got the tickets from some ‘internet deals’ kind of site, but I was really looking forward to the show since it looked great, Nathan Lane was starring in it, and I love any outing with my momma (she’s the best!).  So I kept in mind that I had to leave my house in the late morning to be ready for the show, but I went out Saturday night anyway.  My partner in crime and I went into the City, bar hopped then ended up back in my town and bar hopped some more.  Now Sunday morning comes, and I do not know how exactly it had happened, but I woke up with a hangover.  That being the case, obviously I was moving in slow motion that morning and figured since I had washed my hair before I went out last night, I can just pin my bangs back and not wash it again, being as that tacks on another 20 minutes (wash & dry time) to my shower routine.  So I clean up (minus my hair), throw some minimal makeup on, my favorite shirt and leggings and head out to meet my mother.  Now, little known fact about me; my hair is long but I absolutely despise putting my hair back.  I have had bangs for the past, I don’t know, 10 years, and it is for a reason.  I am not a fan of my hair pulled back, I think I look weird.  But it was a Sunday, and a play, and despite being a few blocks from my office, who was I going to see?

Sure enough, I am GAWKING at this man in the audience who is sitting near us.  He was so handsome and looked extremely familiar but I could not place why.  Intermission comes and goes and I figure it out!!

Jonathan Tucker[1]!

My ex-boyfriend and I had just re-watched the entire (and sadly short lived) series of The Black Donnelly’s, which starred Mr. Tucker, so his face was fresh on my mind. Once I figure it out I alert my mother (and brother via text) and our family meeting consensus was that I should go and say something.  Despite looking like a total banshee, towards the end of the play I walked up and said

‘You’re Jonathan Tucker, right?  I am a fan of your work.’

 Exchanged a few pleasantries and walked away.  See, the thing here, ladies, is to act cool even when you do not feel confident.  The main point is also sometimes saying less makes way more of a statement than talking someone’s head off does. 

It turns out Jonathan used to work with one of my friend’s brothers, and still kept in contact.  Well due to some diligent twitter research on his end, he made the connection and told my friend’s brother what an impression I made on him.  Unfortunately for me he is married, but it was still a pretty awesome run in! Now obviously with his marital status my looks made no difference, but I like to think had I heeded my mother’s advice and dolled up before going out, I could’ve bagged myself a single actor.  But then again, I’m sure some side swept bangs and a little blush isn’t going to make much of a difference, what you see is pretty much what you get, here. J

In a shorter, yet on topic story, I once met Gerard Butler one St Patrick’s day after I marched in the parade and probably drank my own weight in cider.  While I looked adorable when I left my house, the drunken end result probably looked a little lack luster.

That wasn’t even a bad story.  My problem is whenever I just roll out of my house thinking I’m not going to see anyone is when I see EVERYONE.  I went to the beach on Independence Day[2], and not like I would wear makeup to the beach, but people do not usually see me without eyeliner on and with my hair up.  Not that I am vapid or anything, and not that I am particularly horrifying without makeup (because I am not), but I just never have small tired eyes and a pony tail.  Anyway, this is how I showed up to the beach on that particular day; tired eyes, pony tail, and a sequin American Flag headband.  I baked on the beach for hours, getting covered in salt water, sunscreen, sweat and probably some sangria.  As I was departing my glorious, and private, beach community I noticed someone who did not belong . . . some hoe that hates my very existence.  Despite not knowing her too well in person, and having no personal problems with her, she certainly has said a lot of awful things about me; which is fine, as we all know, girls are b*s! But she had a sock bun[3] and sunglasses (I don’t need that kind of tan line) and just looked put together, despite wearing a tee-shirt to the beach [really never a good look when you’re sunbathing in a tee].   Of course every girl wants to look like a million bucks when they see someone who hates their guts (albeit unwarranted) but it was disappointing that I just looked . . . well, average.  Sure, I was kissed by the sun and looked like a bronze goddess, but I also looked like I needed a nap and some sunglasses, which were so conveniently missing.

The point is, narcissistic or not, you should always try to look nice whenever you leave the house.  You never know who you are going to see, and fate has a silly and cruel way of having people sneak into your life!

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[1] Amazingly adorable actor.  http://www.imdb.com/find?q=Jonathan+Tucker&s=all

[2] That’s right, INDEPENDENCE DAY, none of this ‘4^th of July’ bologna.  I am AMERICAN, and I am going to proudly celebrate my nation’s conception!!

[3] http://hellogiggles.com/diy-sock-bun

Soul Surfers

In Plato’s symposium, he states that

‘according to Greek mythology humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs & a head with two faces.  Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.’ 

This is one notion of soul mates.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines soul mates as:

1 a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament.

2: a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs <ideological soul mates>

This notion is not as poetically beautiful and heartbreakingly romantic [i.e. star-crossed lovers] as Plato’s definition, but it does explain the word none the less.  My problem with the idea of soul mates is that it is just that, an idea.  To me, it poses more questions than it answers; and that probably speaks to my character of a skeptic.  Many people, myself included [hence my perplexity], believe that soul mates and love at first sight are interchangeable notions of love.

Here is where my confusion begins.  I personally believe the idea is that even though someone is your soul mate, you may not know it right when you look at them.  I mean, isn’t the whole idea of ‘love at first sight’ rather vapid and shallow seeming? You are falling for a person entirely based on their looks under the quasi guise of ‘the universe pulled us together.’  I doubt it.

I am all for the universe and a higher being putting me where I need to be, don’t get me wrong, but the fact that you can just look at a person and know in your heart of hearts that they were put on this earth as your counterpart? Well, I don’t know; that just seems unrealistic.  But again, I did warn you I was a skeptic.  It is a very sweet idea, nevertheless I just feel like if you do have a soul mate, you only know it after really getting to know them.  Call me old fashioned, but I do not meet someone and know in the first five minutes if I want to be around them forever.  I need to ease into things.  Nevertheless, if we have several dates and conversations and there are cosmic connections and we seem to be two peas in a pod, then okay! Soul mates it is!

Now here is the scary part.

In Plato’s story, it seems that every person only gets one soul mate, one counterpart; That is what makes their love special, right?  Well, who is to say that you and this alleged one perfect mate are on the same continent let alone same state? Wouldn’t that be the universe’s cruelest joke to have this perfect partner for you yet you will never have a chance to know them?  But I guess that is why there are non-believers out there. 

So, most of us settle.  We do not believe in soul mates and perfect relationships because we are realists.  Does that mean you give up on true love?

What if you find your soul mate and they are suddenly taken away from you? Or what if you find them and you grow apart or no longer fit down the road? Does this mean they were never the real soul mate for you, that your connection was possibly a fluke? This is why ‘soul mates’, ‘true love’ and ‘fairy tale romances’ make me nervous; there are so many ways they can be broken in the real world.  Such a comforting notion knowing that you are not alone in the world and there is someone out there who loves you more than anyone ever can, they just haven’t met you yet, scares me.  It brings about more fears than consolation, and quite frankly I am unsure I understand the entire concept. 

Granted, I am probably analyzing and divulging into it more deeply than the great Plato did himself; but what is the point of learning something if you cannot pick it apart and come to your own conclusion?

Where does one go to find their soul mate, because I am sure they are not lurking around the local watering hole.  Or maybe they are, and that is why they are special to the person who finds them there.  I hear all my friends talk about speed dating and internet dating and meeting people in bars and everyone has their fair share of interesting [horror] stories, as my blog certainly can attest, but no prince charming coming out of the rubble.  Is it possible that our soul mates have already jumped ship in looking for us and have settled onto the first love that didn’t end with them drinking poison[1]?

 All these questions spinning through my head around the subject makes me both exhausted and disheartened for ever finding my ‘other half.’  You see, as much as I do wish soul mates existed, never in the definitions (at least from dictionaries) does it say it needs to be on a romantic level.  I mean, if a soul mate is just someone who you love spending time with and has the same beliefs/ideologies/temperament as you do, well then my close friends are my soul mates.  With that conception, albeit sweet, I reaffirm myself that I am going to be single forever with 40 dogs; I could never be a cat lady.

So, my darling romantically hopeful readers, what are your thoughts? Where do you fall on the plight of the soul mate?  I need some optimism to give my dog-filled[2] future some hope.

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[1] Not being morbid, goes along with the aforementioned ‘star-crossed lovers’ Romeo and Juliet theme.

[2] I love dogs, but having 40 dogs with people names, ‘want to see my son Bill? ::Great Dane::’,  is just a little sad.

As T. Payne would say . . .'I like the bartender.'

For a good portion of my youth, and now as the occasional hobby, I was a bartender.  Bartending and waitressing is how I came into my personality, and really broke out of my shy childhood shell.  To be a successful bartender or waitress, you need to be very personable, friendly and make people comfortable.  You want them to stay and spend money but more importantly you want to build a report with them so they will come back; especially if you have a weekly shift.

I am very good at striking up conversations with people and knowing what to say in any particular situation; I have the Gift of Gab (or as I like to tell people...I am the Gift of Gab).  I am eloquent and love a good party, so for me, bartending always came naturally.  It is a fun job to bring in some extra income and it is a good way to socialize.  I started bartending 7 years ago, and I have met a lot of different characters.  I mean, some of the things I’ve seen/heard/experienced and witnessed can make for one heck of a book; but, I will keep that in my life story and simply summarize and shorten to fit this blog.

To be clear, a bartender’s job is to be really really friendly.  That means mainly they get paid to be a flirt.  So, fella, ladies, whoever, nine times out of 10, the bartender does not really have a thing for you.  If you want to take the chance and give them your number, that’s one thing, but don’t ask for theirs; it’s just embarrassing.  If you want to see them again, well, you are at their bar, make another stop next week and figure it out.  Also, don’t get all jealous and make comments about them talking to other patrons, everyone’s money is green, you aren’t special.  That isn’t to say that they weren’t really interested in you, a good eye candy and fun patron to play with makes the night more interesting and go by quickly, but don’t be so presumptuous as to ask for the barkeep’s number at a crowded bar.  Even if they want to give you their number, it makes it more awkward with people around as it is unprofessional and sets a bad example to the patrons they don’t want to see ever again.  On that note, if you notice the bartender is flirting with almost every other patron except for you, it is probably because you are the creep.  You want to introduce yourself, that’s one thing; I like knowing my patron’s names, makes it easier to remember their order, but don’t make things uncomfortable. 
'How can I make things uncomfortable' you ask? Oh well a prolonged handshake, kissing the person’s hand, telling them they smell delicious; you know, anything that would make someone not stuck behind a bar RUN.

As always while you are in public, be polite.   Once you know the bartender’s name, there is no reason to continuously shout it across the bar.  Get their attention once.  If they are busy, they will come to you in a minute.  My biggest pet peeve while working was the ‘entitled patron’ as if I should be so happy and feel lucky that they graced me with their presence on a weekend night. 

What? No thank you.

Usually that ‘entitled patron’ thinks they are God’s gift to the world and are therefore the most annoying and hard to handle person ever.  You know them, they are the person screaming ‘drinks on me’ and ordering shots for everyone and their mother, but then when it’s time to pay they are pissing and moaning that the price is, well, the price!  A buy-back is a privilege, not a right.  So if you were being a jerk all night or nasty or quite frankly, I don’t like you, then you will pay for all of your drinks and that is that. I hate cheap people, as a general life rule, I just hate cheap people.  When I go out, I know I am going to spend money.  Sure, I wake up in the morning wondering why I spent as much money as I did, particularly because I am not rolling in the dough, but I know when I go out to have a good time, I am going to have a good time.  Having a good time at night costs money and I prepare myself for that, so it does not come as a surprise.  Don’t act like a big spender if you cannot back it up; that is rule number one.

I have a few rules when I bartend; I always introduce myself to people and ask how they are [it pays to be polite], if anyone orders a ridiculous drink name like they went to bartending school [a Cape Cod is just a Vodka cranberry] they get heckled and usually have to wait for their drink, if you order a ‘Long Island’ I will judge you and avoid you at all costs, and last but not least, men should not order pink drinks.  Pink drinks are ridiculous for anyone not starring in ‘Sex and the City’, but it is far more absurd for a grown man.  As far as ordering ‘fancy’ drinks go, ordering a Cosmopolitan or a Martini is one thing, but if you are trying to test my knowledge with things like an ‘Alabama slammer’ at a local watering hole on a Friday night, well then I am going to tell you to kick rocks. Also, please please PLEASE do not ask for a free drink.  If you come up thinking you’re clever like ‘oh are drinks on you?’ the answer will be no, this round is not on me, and the next 3 won’t be either.  Do you know how you get free drinks? You be nice and interesting and TIP WELL! 

That leads me into a huge point, TIPPING.  Unless you’re in a college bar with $1 beers, a dollar tip is not appropriate.  For one drink (~$5 for the drink) a $2 tip is the minimum, that gets you by with just being average and not cheap.  If you want to make an impression, get quicker service and have drinks bought for you, throw a $10 for your one drink and say ‘keep it’.  That means your next one will be on me, and I will flock as quickly as I can, or tell the other bartender, when I see you come to the bar.  When you order two or more drinks, if you still leave $2, that is cheap.  The more drinks you buy, the more you have to leave, period.  If you are putting money behind the bar, either keep a tally of it or tell the bartender how much should be left for them, so at the end of the night you do not end up stiffing that person just because they did their job of charging you for some of what you ordered.  I like starting a kitty[1] when I go to a bar; it makes it easier when there are a few people ordering rounds, and also if a new person comes up and orders but uses the same money, the bartender will know to give a buyback. 

To recap this overall article, while going out for a night on the town remember:

1)      It is the bartender’s job to flirt with you

2)      Introduce yourself, be friendly.

3)      Buy backs are a privilege, not a right.

4)      Don’t ever TELL someone to buy a drink for you.

5)      If you are out,  be prepared to spend money.

6)      A $2 tip for one drink is a minimum.

And the main rule. . .

7)      Have fun!

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[1] A collection of money pooled from your party and left behind the bar to be taken out whenever someone buys a round.

Drowning in the Ocean

Now that I have your attention with this morbid title, lets dive into a subject equally as morbid . . . dating! I know this topic comes up a lot on my blog, but it really is just because I go on so many awful dates I feel like I need to write about it to 1) laugh and 2) warn the guys out there of how NOT to act.

So, I will proceed.

First dates are awkward, no matter what.  Personally, I do not really care for a dinner date because I get weirded out eating in front of new people and I feel like the whole situation is tense to begin with.

The best first date I have ever been on was the most creative date ever.  This boy I was seeing (yes, we started seeing each other before we went on an actual fancy date) took me to this indie art gallery for the British Graffiti Artist Banksy, and then took me to a diner.  Now, I was 19 so the diner wasn’t swanky but it was in Manhattan and that was cool enough for me.  I had a really nice time on the date but because I am a whackadoodle in my own right, I got weird when it was time to eat and he thought I wasn’t having fun.  Luckily anyone who knew me for 5 minutes back then knew I had weird quirks like ripping apart sandwiches before I ate them in public, so me and him were able to move on from it.  Now as I am older I have gotten better about that and don’t really care much anymore, I just continue to stuff my face like a pig because whatever, I love food.

However, recently I went on a terrible dinner and movie date and the awkwardness wasn’t even my fault!  So now that we have some background on how awesome and weird I am and how I triumphed over my beginner date awkwardness, let’s continue.  While I am less weird now, first dates are always weird.  You never know the person’s exact intentions, if they like you too or are you just trying to feel each other out, do you have something in your teeth, do you order a drink, do you kiss goodbye? I never know what is going on, but I’m good with reading situations so I just go with the flow. 

Now that I am an adult, I do not expect the poshest of places, I’m not asking anyone to drop 2k on a date, but I do have some standards.  So when a 28 year old man asked me to dinner and a movie, I figured a dress and sandals for a Sunday funday would be appropriate.  This date was doomed from the beginning.  He told me he would be at my house at ‘about 6’ yet showed up at nearly 7 without any call or text; luckily I was with my friends so I did not care, but still, RUDE.  Sure, he picked me up from my house, got out of the car and kissed me hello on the cheek, so that was nice.  Yet the kiss of death, other than being tardy, was that he was wearing an obnoxiously bright Abercrombie tee-shirt, jeans, and rainbow flip flops.

HOLD UP.

Yes, I said rainbow brand flip flops.  We live in the boroughs, this isn’t Florida, there is no reason to be wearing flip flops and certainly not on a first date.  Girls are different, and sandals are different.  Mine had cute little rhinestones all over them and were appropriate for the concrete jungle.  His were appropriate for a frat house brofest or some Cali beach bar, definitely not first date material.  But, I really wanted to see the movie so I wasn’t going to bail at that point; my friends tell me to give everyone a chance. 

We drive to the neighborhood where the movie theater is and he asked if we could eat around there—sure, no problem, there are nice restaurants around there.  But where do we go? Applebee’s.  That place is fine if you’ve been dating and you’re having a casual night or lunch or with your friends/family, but on the FIRST DATE? Seriously bro, pull yourself together! Before we even got in to the restaurant he proceeded to fight with the 18 year old valet boy because he did not want anyone parking his car (why not park on the street then, buddy?) and this poor kid finally caved in and just let him park.  As if that wasn’t a mortifying turn-off all on its own, when we walk in to the restaurant he sits at the bar and begins looking at the drink menu.  The more and more this ‘date’ went on, the more I realized it was like a friend date and not a date at all, or at least in my eyes.  He then flirted with the bartender, got a PINK long island iced tea, downed that and then ordered a beer, with a side of food.  I used to bartend and my top rules were 1) men only drink clear, gold or dark drinks and 2) no one of age orders a long island iced tea. EVER! But more importantly, who orders a long island iced tea (which has 5 different types of liquors in it) on a first date? Especially when they are driving and especially when they are supposed to be trying to make a good impression.  He scarfed the drink and his food down within 30 minutes and scurried out of the bar and to the movie which we were now late for.   We get to the movie which I was previously so excited for, the company excluded, and we are second row from the front!!! Anyone that has ever been to an Imax movie [as if they make regular movies anymore, ha!] knows that sitting in the orchestra seating is like staring at the sun while scratching your eyes out.  It is just awful.

As predicted, the movie was amazing and that made up for the fact that I wanted to slap my company in his dumb drunk face.  Once the movie finished I was happy off the high of the movie and glad the awful date had come to an end.  Luckily I was able to get home with just a handshake and a ‘thanks’ but needless to say no future texts were responded to. 

If you have missed the moral in this blog [because lets face it, all of my blogs have a life lesson or act as a PSA], here it goes . . . When taking a girl on a date, be prompt, dress to kill (hearts, that is), don’t get hammered and always take time into consideration if you’re on a schedule, events get crowded!  Also, feel free to talk about yourself, obviously you’re on a date to get to know the person, but if all of your stories are about how you and your friends are getting mangled on a Tuesday night, you need to grow up.  I do not date younger guys and quite frankly I am too old for the ‘party girl scene’ to intrigue me anymore.  Be yourself, but if that is the guy that drinks pink long island iced teas at a bar during ‘dinner’ then maybe you need to reflect on the person you are and accept the fact that you probably should be alone forever.

Social Sciences- Just keep Swimming.

Onward I go on my forever journey to find a suitable mate.  Just kidding, that sounds creepy, but that directly ties in to this blog, yet another installment on dating.

I just want to start by saying, I know I am no Queen of Sheba or anything, but I am a good catch.  I am dedicated, loyal, passionate, driven, smart, funny, I know my strengths; however, on the flip side, I know I have my flaws, which I can point out in a heartbeat [but I won’t. We’re not that intimate yet.]  There is absolutely nothing wrong with flaws, we all have them, that’s what makes us human, and they are beautiful.  But, what is wrong is not owning your flaws.  You can be stubborn or impatient or have a bad temper, those are flaws, but if you acknowledge it and either own up to it or try to maybe not do it as much, then it’s all gravy.  I know I am constantly noticing new flaws about myself and trying to change those behaviors, make them work for me and better myself.

That being said, being thrown back in to the world of dating has seriously shown me the kinds of people out there and let me tell you, IT IS SCARY!  Unfortunately, with the creation of internet dating, it is making it harder for people serious about relationships to meet.  It is just assumed at this point that almost everyone on internet dating sites are just trolling the interwebz[1] to do just that, be a thirsty[2] troll.  Serious relationships aren’t for everyone, that is fine, I don’t ever go in to something without getting to know the person first, but you cannot get involved with anyone unless you know yourself!  So, if this sounds like you, it is a flaw and you need to work on it before you try to work on someone else.  There is something that cannot be said enough, don’t be creepy!!  If you would not do something in real life, do not do it on the internet.  That also includes taking the previously said statement and turning it in to something inappropriate.  The internet is filled with creepy pickup lines and pictures of bodies or inappropriate areas; like listen, if you’re not going around pantless in public (naked cowboy aside) then don’t do it on the internet, that won’t help you find that ‘good girl’ you’re supposedly looking for!  Also, there should be an unwritten rule, if you are on a dating website and you see someone you know in real life leave them alone!  We are all on the site, it is embarrassing all around; unless you are looking for some romantic involvement, do not add them to your favorites or message them or say something in person.  Yes, it is awkward you found them, but you are on there too!

If internet trolling is not your thing, thankfully, there are real life dates! Real life dating is still equally as difficult in deciphering intention and also has a lot of technology play.  For instance, I am not a phone person, the only people I talk to on the phone are my immediate family and that is it, anyone else can text me.  The problem with texting is a lot (like sarcasm) gets lost in translation and things you meant to sound flirty and funny come off sounding arrogant and disinterested.  Like life, this is a delicate balance!  Don’t sweat it, if you make a mistake, try to explain yourself and keep going; if the person can’t get over it, well then ‘keep it movin’[3] plenty more fish in the sea.  But, try to read social queues, even via text.  If someone isn’t answering your texts, don’t send a bunch asking what they’re doing or if they’re busy, especially if your ‘relationship’ is new and not really a relationship at all.  Chances are your love interest is either away from their phone and will get back, busy and will get back, or just does not want to talk at that particular moment.  Any of those options come to the same result, let it be, they will text you when they are ready, and then you can play the waiting game to get back at them.

Another thing that has always confused me is the whole ‘dating’, ‘talking’, ‘seeing each other’, ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ titles.  My thing with titles is, if you have not discussed it, then you are not exclusive, end of story.  Do not ever assume that you are exclusively with someone just because you talk to him or her all of the time and you are intimate.  If you do not want your love interest seeing anyone but you romantically, then you need to sit them down and talk to them about it.  There is nothing to be afraid of, because one of two things will happen, either they will say 1) ‘yes, lets be exclusive.  I don’t want to see you with anyone else’ or they will say 2) ‘I am not ready yet and this really isn’t what I want. It’s over.’  While you may be afraid it will go in the latter direction and you are not quite ready to let go just yet, this conversation still needs to be had.  It gives a lot of clarity and really stops you from wasting any time and looking silly when you are giving your all to someone who is running around with several someones.

If the conversation goes in your favor and you do end up in a committed relationship, do not suddenly be clingy.  Scratch that, even if you aren’t in a committed relationship that advice is especially pertinent, I repeat: Do Not Be Clingy.  Know your place on the hierarchy.  If your interest is out with his/her friends partying and not really doing anything other than just dancing or sitting at a bar, don’t show up alone, unannounced and looking crazy.  Play it cool.  Sure, if you want to introduce your girls to his guy friends and all hang out together, that’s cool, being a team player and an excellent wingman is always appreciated, but make sure it is planned.  There is nothing worse than when you’re just trying to have a low-key night with friends and then the person you [thought] you really liked [notice how it’s past tense] comes in acting crazy territorial.  Nobody likes a stage 5 clinger.  This goes back to reading social queues; sometimes it is cute to show up unexpected, but if you’re showing up like hell on wheels being all touchy feely and not leaving that person’s side, well then you have overstayed your welcome.

Every situation is different; sometimes what could come off as creepy to strangers is something your interest would love for you to do.  It all depends on your relationship, so make sure to read the signs and play it cool.  Good luck out there daters, heads up and temperatures down. 

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[1] Colloquialism for Internet.  All the kids are saying it these days.

[2] Thirst: To only have intentions of promiscuity

[3] Thank you Tahitz for such amazingly life changing advice ;)