As T. Payne would say . . .'I like the bartender.'

For a good portion of my youth, and now as the occasional hobby, I was a bartender.  Bartending and waitressing is how I came into my personality, and really broke out of my shy childhood shell.  To be a successful bartender or waitress, you need to be very personable, friendly and make people comfortable.  You want them to stay and spend money but more importantly you want to build a report with them so they will come back; especially if you have a weekly shift.

I am very good at striking up conversations with people and knowing what to say in any particular situation; I have the Gift of Gab (or as I like to tell people...I am the Gift of Gab).  I am eloquent and love a good party, so for me, bartending always came naturally.  It is a fun job to bring in some extra income and it is a good way to socialize.  I started bartending 7 years ago, and I have met a lot of different characters.  I mean, some of the things I’ve seen/heard/experienced and witnessed can make for one heck of a book; but, I will keep that in my life story and simply summarize and shorten to fit this blog.

To be clear, a bartender’s job is to be really really friendly.  That means mainly they get paid to be a flirt.  So, fella, ladies, whoever, nine times out of 10, the bartender does not really have a thing for you.  If you want to take the chance and give them your number, that’s one thing, but don’t ask for theirs; it’s just embarrassing.  If you want to see them again, well, you are at their bar, make another stop next week and figure it out.  Also, don’t get all jealous and make comments about them talking to other patrons, everyone’s money is green, you aren’t special.  That isn’t to say that they weren’t really interested in you, a good eye candy and fun patron to play with makes the night more interesting and go by quickly, but don’t be so presumptuous as to ask for the barkeep’s number at a crowded bar.  Even if they want to give you their number, it makes it more awkward with people around as it is unprofessional and sets a bad example to the patrons they don’t want to see ever again.  On that note, if you notice the bartender is flirting with almost every other patron except for you, it is probably because you are the creep.  You want to introduce yourself, that’s one thing; I like knowing my patron’s names, makes it easier to remember their order, but don’t make things uncomfortable. 
'How can I make things uncomfortable' you ask? Oh well a prolonged handshake, kissing the person’s hand, telling them they smell delicious; you know, anything that would make someone not stuck behind a bar RUN.

As always while you are in public, be polite.   Once you know the bartender’s name, there is no reason to continuously shout it across the bar.  Get their attention once.  If they are busy, they will come to you in a minute.  My biggest pet peeve while working was the ‘entitled patron’ as if I should be so happy and feel lucky that they graced me with their presence on a weekend night. 

What? No thank you.

Usually that ‘entitled patron’ thinks they are God’s gift to the world and are therefore the most annoying and hard to handle person ever.  You know them, they are the person screaming ‘drinks on me’ and ordering shots for everyone and their mother, but then when it’s time to pay they are pissing and moaning that the price is, well, the price!  A buy-back is a privilege, not a right.  So if you were being a jerk all night or nasty or quite frankly, I don’t like you, then you will pay for all of your drinks and that is that. I hate cheap people, as a general life rule, I just hate cheap people.  When I go out, I know I am going to spend money.  Sure, I wake up in the morning wondering why I spent as much money as I did, particularly because I am not rolling in the dough, but I know when I go out to have a good time, I am going to have a good time.  Having a good time at night costs money and I prepare myself for that, so it does not come as a surprise.  Don’t act like a big spender if you cannot back it up; that is rule number one.

I have a few rules when I bartend; I always introduce myself to people and ask how they are [it pays to be polite], if anyone orders a ridiculous drink name like they went to bartending school [a Cape Cod is just a Vodka cranberry] they get heckled and usually have to wait for their drink, if you order a ‘Long Island’ I will judge you and avoid you at all costs, and last but not least, men should not order pink drinks.  Pink drinks are ridiculous for anyone not starring in ‘Sex and the City’, but it is far more absurd for a grown man.  As far as ordering ‘fancy’ drinks go, ordering a Cosmopolitan or a Martini is one thing, but if you are trying to test my knowledge with things like an ‘Alabama slammer’ at a local watering hole on a Friday night, well then I am going to tell you to kick rocks. Also, please please PLEASE do not ask for a free drink.  If you come up thinking you’re clever like ‘oh are drinks on you?’ the answer will be no, this round is not on me, and the next 3 won’t be either.  Do you know how you get free drinks? You be nice and interesting and TIP WELL! 

That leads me into a huge point, TIPPING.  Unless you’re in a college bar with $1 beers, a dollar tip is not appropriate.  For one drink (~$5 for the drink) a $2 tip is the minimum, that gets you by with just being average and not cheap.  If you want to make an impression, get quicker service and have drinks bought for you, throw a $10 for your one drink and say ‘keep it’.  That means your next one will be on me, and I will flock as quickly as I can, or tell the other bartender, when I see you come to the bar.  When you order two or more drinks, if you still leave $2, that is cheap.  The more drinks you buy, the more you have to leave, period.  If you are putting money behind the bar, either keep a tally of it or tell the bartender how much should be left for them, so at the end of the night you do not end up stiffing that person just because they did their job of charging you for some of what you ordered.  I like starting a kitty[1] when I go to a bar; it makes it easier when there are a few people ordering rounds, and also if a new person comes up and orders but uses the same money, the bartender will know to give a buyback. 

To recap this overall article, while going out for a night on the town remember:

1)      It is the bartender’s job to flirt with you

2)      Introduce yourself, be friendly.

3)      Buy backs are a privilege, not a right.

4)      Don’t ever TELL someone to buy a drink for you.

5)      If you are out,  be prepared to spend money.

6)      A $2 tip for one drink is a minimum.

And the main rule. . .

7)      Have fun!

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[1] A collection of money pooled from your party and left behind the bar to be taken out whenever someone buys a round.