It’s going down, I’m yelling TINDER.

For those of you who do not know, Tinder is the newest dating site craze.  It connects with your Facebook to upload a few of your most recent profile pictures, as well as connects you to friends of friends that are single and within your dating parameters.  That is probably the best feature of the app, because you never know what cuties your friends are hoarding away from you.  Another positive feature of the app is that people can only message you if you are mutually interested, and vice versa.  The glitch in the matrix there, however,  is that you decide if you like someone solely by the few pictures they upload, if they happen to write a quick blurb about themselves, and the Facebook groups/interests you have in common.  It is mainly an extremely superficial dating website, but let’s be honest here, we are all superficial when it comes to dating.  If someone’s face does not interest you, you are not going to make the effort to go up and talk to them; that is just a fact of life.  Sure, maybe someone you would not normally find attractive comes up and talks to you and you fall in like with their personality, I’m all for giving everyone equal opportunity, but to say that you do not judge people initially on their looks is a lie.  First impressions are everything, and Tinder has capitalized on that. If you like the way someone looks, you swipe right, if you do not, you swipe left.  It is as simple as that, and trust me, it can be a very quick and addictive process.

Being as the site is grounded on a superficial facet, it has gotten the bad rap of being a ‘hookup site.’  Well, being well versed in trolling internet dating sites, as many of my blogs can attest, every site can quickly go from ‘find love in a hopeless place’ to ‘get your eyes assaulted by creeps.’  That being said, when one of my best girlfriend’s decided to come out of her dating hiatus and take the plunge onto Tinder, I didn’t fight her when she asserted that I needed to join too.  Mainly we joined for moral support, and to laugh at all the ridiculousness that comes with internet dating.

Now, Tinder, like most other free dating sites, does have its fair share of thirsty[1] creeps, but you can usually spot them out and avoid them.  You do happen to stumble upon the occasional lewd photo, but you can quickly swipe left and never see that person again.  Most of the time you can tell by the pictures that someone posts if they’re just looking for a hookup, sometimes they even say it in their ‘about me’ blurb.  So once you get passed the ‘hook up’ people, you have everyone else.  Getting passed the ‘thirsties’[2] is an easy feat, it is then dealing with everyone else that proves to be more difficult.

Once you dive into the belly of the beast and are pouring through the profiles of ‘relationship oriented’ people, you will quickly find yourself horrified.  Sure, they are probably relationship worthy, but no one takes this site seriously.  Basically, if you are looking for your life partner, do not use Tinder.  Default pictures are a sea of poor photoshops, shamelessly unflattering selfies and [as my poor eyes have had the majority of witnessing] people’s heinies[3].  I cannot tell you how many people find it acceptable to pose with their buttox out in the open, or, my personal favorite to laugh at, a ‘selfie’ of them wiith a mirror in the background showing their exposed henie . . . DISGUSTING! Have some class, people, you may meet someone’s parents one day (Lord knows you’ll never become a politician) and is this the kind of behavior you want them knowing about you?  It’s just gross and tasteless, albeit mildly humorous, you’re the internet troll[4] and it’s not okay.

Even after you weed through those weirdos, there will still be another test . . . How you interact with the people of your choosing.  I have said this in previous blogs, interacting with people via text is difficult; it is a talent to say the least.  To be able to put your thoughts down on paper is one thing, but to have them be written in such a way that they convey the exact message you intended is a skill that, quite frankly, very few possess.  Flirting is hard enough as is, but when you put it into text, a lot of it comes off as creepy rather than cute and funny.  That is certainly the case when you are messaging with people you do not know and have no idea if they really are indeed joking and being coy or if they are just huge weirdo jerks!!  You see, flirting on the internet is a very fine, fine, dance.  Things can go from cute to creepy very quickly, so you need to make sure you are either completely not invested in your new found internet friend, or what you are saying comes off playful and not inappropriate and scary. So really, you need to learn how to take social queues.  If you say something and then someone stops answering, re-read what you wrote.  If you do not find anything wrong with it, then hey, maybe the message got lost in the shuffle and you should reach out again.  However, the flip side, if you think the message could have been taken the wrong way (and let's face it, we've all been there) then MAYBE reach out again if you want to clarify . . .but do not do not under any circumstances continuously message them.  For those troubled souls, you can use another great Tinder feature, the 'Block' function.

With all that being said, for your entertainment, I will attach a brief example of some of Tinder’s best.  For the sake of anonymity, and legal reasons, the faces have been blocked out . . .but you can still get the gist. 

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[1] Thirsty: Colloquialism. Someone who is too eager and desperate.

[2] Groups of those who are thirsty

[3] Heinie: colloquialism for gluteus maximus.

[4] Someone who deliberately pisses people off via the internet and is just an overall creep…all in the secret confines of the internet.