A Day in the Life: How to be a savvy dater.

I have been thrown back in to the dating ocean (more like a pool) to see what other fish will think I’m undamaged and find my sarcastic cynicism cute and endearing.  As I embark on my new journey to enjoy single life, as I have been in a relationship for a few years, I am noticing that maybe what I think is ‘normal’ isn’t really normal.

[Before I dive in to this blog, I am going to preface this entry with a disclaimer: I am not a sexist in any way.  I love men, I would probably make a great one since I kill my own bugs and am afraid of commitment. But that's neither here nor there. This blog was not intended to berate any gender.  I am just sharing my experience as a single woman.  Take the advice as you see applicable in your life.]

As I learned when I was 20, and so sweetly explained to the male, if you go on a few dates with someone, you are not in a relationship! You just aren’t.  Maybe you are dating, seeing each other, whatever you call it, but you are not in a relationship.  Never assume you are together exclusively unless you ask.  When I was 20 I went on three dates with a guy who was a few years older than me (like old enough to know better!)  First was a double date, then two on our own.  He then ‘surprised’ me while I was out at a bar with my brother and friends and proceeded to demand to meet my brother…as my ‘boyfriend.’  I was not a fan.  Needless to say, he was put in a cab and sent on his merry way back to Long Island City or wherever.

 Being as that was 5 years ago, I thought things would get easier by now.  I was no longer seen as a young naive girl, so even still dating men in their mid-late 20s/early 30s should be easy right? Wrong!  Apparently, men just get older, not grow up.  No offense to the guys, maybe I’m just prone to meeting overly emotional clingy men.  Anyway, I have been testing the waters to this new single lifestyle and very casually going on dates; and by dates, I mean dates . . . dinner, drinks, maybe a movie, nothing crazy.  [and to clarify, NO ONE gets to go to my house, or the places I frequent.]

With all these new found dates I am going on, it dawned on me that while there really isn’t (nor should there be) a set of ‘Rules’ for dating, there is a common sense etiquette to follow.  But as with everything else in life, no one has common sense anymore.  So I will educate the masses on what a single woman in the city (no, not fake like Sex & The City) really wants/doesn’t want on a date.

First off, this SHOULD go without saying, but considering it has happened to me three times in the past week, I have to say it.  DON’T BE CLINGY!!! Guys always complain about girls being clingy and too much, DUDE, you guys are so worse! It’s sweet to call and text cute little things frequently throughout the day, but don’t be weird.  If we just met, talk for an hour, have a spark, just enjoy it.  A way to make sure that spark dies before it even starts is to say ‘how many kids do you want? How much money do you make? WHEN you meet my mom . . .’ blah blah blah.  It’s creepy, it’s weird, and quite frankly, it is one hell of a turn off.  Nothing makes me run faster (and I never run) than someone (a man) naming all of our children and signing me up to meet his mom on the first encounter (not even a date!)

Secondly, back to the subject of texting cute nothings.  Be CUTE, don’t be so cute (clingy) that your sexuality comes in to question.  If you are a girl over the age of 15, you shouldn’t do this, and if you are a man you should certainly never do this.  Do not ever, under any circumstances, text someone ‘Mwahh’ or ‘mwa’ or any other ludicrous spelling.  What is that? It’s just silly and makes me wonder if I (my gender) are your ‘type’ or if I am shamelessly robbing the cradle.  It’s just weird and creeps me out.

Let’s skip ahead to the part where you are actually on the date.  There are many ways to have a good date, depending on the activity you choose and of course your company.  Sometimes, depending on the company again, beer and wings might be a cute date, although not my style.  This is what gets me most nervous, choosing what to eat while on the date.  It shocks me how many people (men and women) do not put any thought in to what they are ordering while on a date.  Years ago I went on two separate dates with two separate guys.  One ordered onion rings and the other ate a lot of garlic bread, and I remember giving both of them the same look and thinking “well I guess they aren’t interested in me, because I am NOT kissing them.”  . . . Both of those gentlemen ended up being long term relationships for me.  But that is besides the point, and you really need to get some serious brownie points after the fact to make up for your poor diet decisions.  If you like the girl/guy or just want a kiss at the end of the night, DO NOT eat things that smell.  Garlic, Onions, FISH, whatever, don’t eat it.  My grandmother always told me not to eat spaghetti on a date because I end up shoveling it in to my mouth and looking like a pig.  Well, I rather look like a piglet than stink, so if you eat something I don’t approve of, off go the white gloves, my friend!  Just be conscious of what you order.  Also, if you order something and don’t like it…shut up! Just eat it. I don’t want to sit and listen to you complain about it, or worse, tell the waitress! I have been a waitress, no one wants to hear your complaint, just give her a good tip and take your food.

Related to the topic of tipping, another good way to lose a potential is to tell her how your friends nicknamed you ‘T-Rex’ because you ‘have short arms’.  No one, and I mean no one, wants to hear that you are cheap.  You aren’t suddenly going to become illusive and attractive to me because you don’t spend your money.  I am down for paying for things, but cheap people? Not a fan.  I work very hard for my money, but when I go out, I go out to spend.  I know what it is like to work for tips so I make sure I tip well.  If you’re out, assume you’re going to spend money, or ask me to split (which will probably not end well either) but anything is better than listening to someone complain about how much something is.  Unless it is absolutely absurd, just keep your grumbling to yourself.

While there are a lot of qualms I have with the new ‘dating scene’, these are just guidelines.  I still prefer guys who I need to tell to calm down a bit rather than guys who are too ‘cold’ and distant where I wish they would call/text and they never do on time.  So what I have learned is that it is a fine, fine line, and flirty dance between being unbearably clingy, and way too distant.  Find a happy medium, ladies and gents.  Don’t start naming your kids or bringing your parents on the first date, but also don’t take 2 hours to respond to a text (without being genuinely busy.)  Welcome to the world, daters!  Good luck and Gods speed.

My rant about being a commuter...

Anyone living in the five boroughs that works in Manhattan knows driving to work on a daily basis is no reasonable feat.  So, for all us peons that can’t afford to park our Bentley in the $20 an hour parking lot every day, we take public transportation. 

There are two forms of public transportation [disclaimer: since I do not live on nor condone Staten Island, I am ignoring the existence of the ferry].  So, there are two forms of public transportation: the NYC subway (train) and the bus (express of course, we are not squalors.) Now, anyone that takes either of these forms of transportation knows that there is commuter etiquette that everyone should oblige by in order to make everyone’s overall experience better.  The train is usually a free for all, because there are panhandlers and every other rude annoying person, but the bus is supposed to be for the people who will spend the $5.50 one way to have a pleasant ride.

That being said, express busses are expensive! I only take it in the morning because, 1-it is a shorter commute for me and 2- I like to nap on the way in so the cushion seats are an added bonus for comfort.  So, since it is about 6am and everyone is dreading going to work (because who in their right mind wants to be up at 6am?! Just kidding, I’m a cheerful morning person. But STILL!) why would you get on a bus just to ruin everyone else’s morning? If you are having a bad day, put your headphones in and go to sleep, you don’t need to drag everyone else down with you.  That means YOU, loud cell phone talker; it is 6am, no one wants to hear what you ate for dinner!  Also, if you have a thousand bags with you and feel the need to squish into the aisle seat and put your bags all over the person sitting next to you, just don’t.  There is an overhead compartment for that reason, and quite frankly, I don’t care how small you think I am, I want my leg room! I paid for it and it’s mine, so I want it.

A common misconception amongst bus goers, or commuters in general, is how much room you actually take up.  Now, this isn’t a comment about weight as much as it is just taking up space.  I, for example, wouldn’t describe myself as overweight, but I know I sit with my bag on my side on the train so I may go over to the seat next to me.  This is why I sit on the end, because most train people leave the middle seat open.  On the bus there is no middle seat buffer, so I use manners and good judgment and only sit in the space allotted to me.  However, I manage to ALWAYS get stuck next to the person who, despite all the open seats, feels the need to CRAM on top of me and have their thighs touch mine.  It freaks me out, it’s creepy and gross and I would prefer if you just go sit in any of the other OPEN seats! There is no reason for you to be in my personal space when the bus didn’t even begin to fill up yet. The flip side of this statement is that I am not only talking about physical space, but space in general.  If you are smoking or wearing WAY too much perfume/cologne, it is best for everyone if you sit by yourself or in the back.  There is no reason why you need to poison my lungs with your odor just in the name of fashion or nicotine.

That was my rant about the bus…On to the train rant.

I am one of those people that if I don’t fall asleep, I just stare out in to the distance and zone out, because this is the end of my day and I just need to unwind.  The problem with the train is that everyone is always holding the doors which makes that ‘ding dong’ sound go off a THOUSAND BILLION TIMES which gets on my nerves so quickly that I want to rip that persons arm off and throw it outside the train.  Another thing is, you never just can have a calm train ride, there is always something going on; people spontaneously break dancing, singing, giving you their sob stories., it just all makes me uncomfortable.  These pan handlers probably pull in more money a day than I do, I don’t want to hear your made up story of your sick brother’s son’s nephew’s girlfriend’s sister’s friend’s kid who needs a kidney transplant in Mexico so please give me your money.  NO. Just no.  My eyes are closed, I am listening to my ipod and I don’t want to hear it.  Don’t come up and tap me on the shoulder or say something about God Bless or whatever.  Leave me alone.  I am cranky, tired, and really don’t have time for this show.  As for all the people dancing on the train…your kickflips are going to kick me a concussion.  No I cannot move! It is rush hour and the train is crowded to the point where we are all standing and I am pretty sure I have someone’s elbow imprinted on my left temple because we are standing so close.  So where, oh where exactly, would you like me to stand to get out of your dance space? That’s right. There is nowhere! So go to the park and practice your dance moves like everyone else.

I hope this blog goes viral and everyone gets the hint to learn some manners, because if your mother won’t teach you any, I will!  This is a call to action…don’t be that rude commuter person everyone will talk about later.  Put your cell phone down, boom box off, leave your dancing shoes at home, and just DON’T ask for money.  We will all thank you for it.

Is it possible to fear an entire generation? Yes. Yes it is.

Many generations have titles due to their accomplishments or identifying characteristics; the lost generation, beat generation, baby boomers, tech generation.  But the newest generation we are welcoming now are the ‘thanks for trying, here’s your prize’ generation.  I absolutely detest these people and the parents that raise them.  I am totally against abuse of any kind (mental and physical) let me make that very clear, but this new generation is filled with a bunch of coddled privileged ‘never been yelled at’ kids.

When I was younger, people kept score when I played sports and when we did not win we were upset! My teachers all graded my papers in big red ink, I was not hit but if my parents told me to do something I did it before I could find out what the ‘or else’ was.  The cartoons I watched were the old school Tom & Jerry, Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd, where blood and violence reigned; and Ren & Stimpy or Beavis and Butthead where innuendos, poor jokes and violence were incredibly prevalent.  Like any other generation, my generation has it’s ups and downs, and bad apples, but for the most part we are pretty okay (and I speak for myself and those my age I surround myself with.)  I find kids today are disrespectful, I never caused a scene with a gang of my friends on public transportation before, I have always called my friends parents Mr. and Mrs. So and So unless otherwise instructed, I never disrespected, blatantly disobeyed, and embarrassed my parents.  These are traits I find running rampant in the youth of today’s society.

What has completely corrupted the youth of this new generation is the over-abundance of coddling.  Teachers are no longer allowed to use red pen in fears that it will be ‘emotionally scarring’, even if they get a question wrong they get a sticker and a ‘thanks for trying’. What? NO! You got it wrong, go in the back and study and figure out how to do it correctly.  Now a days kids are all involved in sports when they’re young, but we don’t keep score and everyone gets ice-cream after. NO! Enough!! There are MVPs, and benchwarmers, okay? Let’s act it! There is no need for EVERYONE to get a prize just for trying in sports.  Sports are sports, it’s not ego defeating if you do not win.  I can see that rule applying for child Beauty Pageants, but that’s about it. In life, there are winners and losers and we are robbing our children of this very valuable lesson.  They are being bred into a world where everything is handed to them and no matter how miserably they fail, it’s okay because they tried.  I would be so mad if my parents let me live a lie like that.  In real life you do not get points for trying; when you apply for a job if there is someone better and more equipped, they get it; there is no ‘sub-position thanks for applying’ job lined up for you.  Basically, what we are robbing our kids of is humility. 

Empathy and humility are taught to children at an early age by things like sharing (because you can understand what it’s like to not have a toy someone else has), and when you lose or try your best and still come up short you try harder and you become compassionate towards others when they lose and you don’t.  These kinds of ‘natural’ emotions are lost on kids that are perpetually praised and coddled without doing the work.  The American Dream is to work really really hard, save, and one day hopefully it will be worth it.  That notion has fallen on deaf ears with several generations, but this generation in particular does not understand the importance of things like hard work and determination.

I really pity this new influx of children.  They will never understand all these lessons which I, up until this point, have thought to be ‘common sense’.  Please, parents, I urge you, do not let your kid be that kid.  Teach them some manners [yes, if they come into my house they need to say ‘hello’], set some ground rules, don’t be the ‘pushover parent’, and let them know while failing tasks isn’t ideal, it’s human and it happens! Let’s collectively take a stand and try to salvage this generation from being filled with Hooligans, Rufio[1]s, and ‘lost boys[2]’. 

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[1] Head hooligan in 1991 movie, Hook

[2] I am big on the Peter Pan references today

Ernest Hemingway is pretty Badass

Many moons ago I fell in love….with a writer, Ernest Hemingway.  Ernest is possibly my favorite writer of all time.  Knowing that this is a heavy statement, I will go into depth.

Ernest Hemingway is part of the ‘Lost Generation’; a group of writers, usually expatriate (which, being a huge patriot, I hate) who fled the US during/after WWI and began writing in foreign countries.  Ernest loved to write about Spain, France and other European countries, and wrote abiding by the ‘glacier theory.’  The glacier theory is a style of writing in which the author gives you 10% of the story, and your imagination can fill in the rest.  For example in The Sun Also Rises, the main character, Jake, is injured in the war; Ernest tells the readers this and hints as to the type of injury but never really goes into detail.  This is the kind of writing style I love, it only gives you enough information to get your imagination going.

Although the Lost Generation brought into light many great writers; F. Scott Fitzgerald, T.S. Elliot, Ezra Pound, it is Hemingway that has my heart.

A huge reason why Ernest is my favorite writer has to do with his alcohol addiction and, in spite of the aforementioned addiction, his sheer brilliance.  One of my favorite works of fiction by him is the following short story and the [alleged] story behind its conception.

For Sale: Baby shoes, never worn

Believe it or not, this is a complete story.  It happens to be one that I have remembered years after hearing it, and one that has moved me more than any other 6 words have.  It fits in to his glacier style of writing, because we are never really told why the baby shoes were never worn and we get to draw our own opinions.

However, it is not the fact that this may be the shortest story ever told that makes it so appealing to me, it is how the story was created.  Legend has it that Hemingway was at a bar with a writer friend who bet him a beer that Ernest could not write a story, there in that bar, under 10 words . . . obviously, Mr. Hemingway got himself a beer. 

While I do not condone addictions of any kind, everyone can appreciate that kind of genius writing.  I do not care if he won a beer or 10 dollars; Ernest Heming was one bad ay mamba jamba.  For the reason of liking to bet, and appreciating a great story (both this story and the story of it’s origin), Baby Shoes will always be my favorite ‘flash fiction’ story. 

Once Writing has become your Major vice & Greatest Pleasure, only Death can Stop it. -E.H.

It is said in school if you are good in Math and Science, you are usually weak in Art and Languages and visa versa.  That is because math and science use the critical part of our brain that is logic based while art and languages use the side of our brains that are imaginative and analytical.  Well, as my blogs can attest to, I was never good in math or science.  I can learn a language in my sleep (literally), write a brilliantly coherent 20 page paper in an evening, and analyze even the smallest detail to come up with a beautiful story; I am a lit person.

Now I cannot draw even so much as a doodle to save my life, but I, if I don’t say so myself,  am an amazing writer.  I am also a great reader; it does not matter if its my work, someone else’s, music or a movie; any form of art (yes, music, movies and literature ARE art) I read, see, or hear I like to take in and see how it applies to my life.   I am an analyst.  I feel like most things, things so mundane as a song popping on your Pandora, when listened to closely can have the most profound meanings.  I also believe that sometimes books can have the most effect on you at only the right times you choose to read them.

For example, for Christmas I received a book (which I had asked for), a cult classic, The Perks of Being a Wallflower.  As every 20 something, year old living in the 90s can tell you, this book was almost as big to the world of accepting teenage angst as Catcher in the Rye was.  It was a ‘coming of age’ tale for the more modern society.  When I picked up that book 7 months ago, it took me a while to get going.  I struggled to get to page six before deeming the book ‘boring’ and banishing it back to my bookshelf and reading something else.  One thing about me, as much as I love literature, if something doesn’t captivate me, I do not waste my time; because when a book does captivate me, it is all I think about until I finishing reading it…which usually takes 2 days. 

After I finished reading another book, I was at a different place in life than I was at the beginning of the year, so I decided to give ‘Perks´ a chance.  Revisiting that book was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  I felt that I was meant to read that book at that particular junction in my life; that some Divine power or the Universe was sending me a sign that this book is now more relevant and meaningful to me in this specific moment than it could have ever been in the past. 

Yes, I am aware that it sounds CRAZY to think that I was [dare I say it? Don’t say it. Don’t say it!!! Okay. I’ll say it…] Destined to read any book at any particular moment, but it just felt right.  While there weren’t (m)any similarities between my situation and that of the protagonist, Charlie, it was still nice to know that someone else had fallen down the rabbit hole (and not the cool kind like Alice). 

Perks got a little risqué at moments, but the book, which was told from the perspective of a 15 year old high school student, was so easy to read it was almost difficult to not get encapsulated in the story.  It was like talking to a friend.  There were lines in that book that everyone can relate to, being a ‘wallflower’ at one point or another, even if just in a moment, people can relate.  The feeling of a moment in time being ‘infinite’, everything about it just seemed so real, to everyone.  While reading that book it took me to that town, that high school (even though I hated high school and rather never go through that experience again), but it took me to those moments. 

I believe a good book, regardless of subject matter, should take you to another place, it should have you so intertwined with the story that when you finish the book you are almost sad that you are losing friends.  That is what Perks of Being a Wallflower has given me.

When I found out they were making a movie about the book, I was extremely elated.  When I found out it was filled with mainstream actors and not some cheap indie film I got a little skeptical.  I did not want the purity and innocence of the book to be overshadowed by A-list celebrities and their stigmas (yes I know that makes me sound snobbish. No, I swear I am not a Hipster.) However, after seeing the trailer, I have hope for it.  Even the Harry Potter girl, Emma Watson, seemed to make a believable Sam.  While she would not have been my first choice (I pictured Sam to look a little different), I entrust that she will make the movie proud.  I understand that books and movies are usually very different and the book is almost always better (that means you, Mystic River.)  Getting to use your imagination is what makes books great, seeing movies are just one person’s interpretation of the book and that is how they sometimes fall short of the beauty of the original work of art.  But after both reading and then seeing Water for Elephants, I had hope that movies can have A-list celebrities and still stay true to the art form of the book. 

So, with that, I no longer need the cathartic effect of Perks of Being a Wallflower (although I may re-read Catcher in the Rye), but I am giddily anticipating the release of the Perks movie later this year.

Post Script----

If anyone has some good books to read, I am always open to suggestions!!

Glory Days- The Things I used to do in College. (aka- the Murtaugh List)

            Whenever my life gets a little stagnant, I like to reminisce about my ‘crazy/party days’; those 4 amazing years I spent away living at college.  Like the Boss said, “Glory Days, well they’ll pass you by” and boy am I surprised how fast those 4 years went! I have now been a college graduate for 2 years and I somehow feel like an old lady with all my ‘glory days’ long behind me. 

            In college, I used to be fearless! I would stay out late drinking with the best of them, watching movies til the wee hours of the morning, or just hanging around talking.  I would drink fully caffeinated coffee at 10pm, I would end a full day of classes by taking the train into the city for some karaoke on a weekend even if I had work the next morning in a different borough, I would pull all nighters studying and writing papers;  not a care in the world other than working and having fun.  That was my time when my biggest worry was if I would fall off the bar I was dancing on.

            Life was simpler then, boys didn’t need to have names, my love interest of the minute was constantly changing, my most fancy outfit consisted of flip-flops and an off the shoulder tee-shirt. Meals were always easily accessible, schoolwork always got done and I always managed to go to everything I wanted, have fun and still maintain a 3.5 GPA. 

            However, like everything else, all good things must come to an end.  So in my old age I compiled a list of things I am ‘too old’ to do; things that may have flown in college but are not acceptable now, and just things that I need to let go of. 

1- No jager bombs. No jager of any kind.

2- Lets limit shots to special occasions and 1 a night[1]

3- Stop dancing on bars. It doesn’t look attractive and you might need to invest in some dancing lessons

4- Stop dancing on bars in shoes that can break your ankle

5- Stop giving your brothers number out to people. It’s only funny for so long[2].

6-Stop using Fake Names[3] whilst introducing yourself to bar randos.  Stop meeting bar randos all together.

7-Abreevs are only cool in the 90s and for tweeny boppers.  Don’t be lazy.

8-Stop chewing gum and texting while people are talking.  Rude much?

9-You can have a vice, put down the facebook mobile and keep your cynicism to Blogging..maybe even twitter.

10-Drinking Rum and OJ alone in your room on a Tuesday night is just sad.

11-Don’t ever challenge your dad to a drinking contest. The great Jameson battle of 08 should have taught you your lesson by now.

12-If you have to chase someone for that long, they aren’t worth it.

13-Never stop fighting for what you can’t live without and what you really believe in. 

14-Know the difference between wants and needs

15- This never gets old…"Cheers to those that wish me well and all the rest could go to hell”

16-This is more of a question.  Will you EVER be too old to keep living in quotes and finding inspiration from everything?

And lastly,

17-You are only as old as you feel.  While you probably should stop doing all of these things, [you aren’t in college any more, lady!], there is always an exception to break rules..so. Live it up. Life is too short. 

Maybe we should revisit this list when I turn 25.

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[1] Good luck following that one.  Especially with my friend and local rockstar Eric and his whiskey obsession.

[2] It’s totally still funny. He’s a good sport.

[3] Although the literary references were pretty funny.  And sad not many people got them.  Hello, Nancy

Drew!! Does that SOUND like a real name to you?

Conversation with God.......sort of.

I heard a quote (or was it more of an excerpt?) recently that really got me thinking.  It goes like this: “While talking to God I asked ‘how much time do I have to live?’ and He said ‘Enough to make a difference.’”  

            This to me has more power in a short little passage than anything I have ever read.  It is so true; we never know how much time we have in this world, we all like to think it is a lot, but we are never certain, so why not make the most of every second.  It sounds so cliche, but as we are only put on this earth for an indefinite amount of time, we should use it to be happy and spread happiness. 

            Now, this is not some big religious statement (the quote can be for any god you believe in), nor is it some lecture.  I am one of the biggest ‘plan for later’ ‘work as hard as you can now so you can retire happy’ kind of people, I am constantly planning for the future; but after reading this quote it makes me feel rather selfish.  I shouldn’t be looking at ways to make my life easier in the upcoming years, I should be looking at ways to make an impact on the world.  I have always had a struggle with this.  I want to leave a mark on this world in some way.  Maybe not the whole world, maybe just make a difference in the world of one person, but I need to make a difference nonetheless.  That is my quest in life, and this quote really brought it home. 

            No matter how long we are put on this earth, we are all here with one purpose; to make a difference.  That statement probably seems trivial and you may think it is harder than just that, but it isn’t.  Making a difference can be helping an old lady with her groceries or shopping from a local store and giving back to your community.  There are so many ways we can make a small yet profound impact on the world, if only we try.

            This is my vow to start doing more now; volunteer more, recycle more, help those in need.  I like to think that even my blogging (most of which are just silly little articles of nonsense) has the opportunity to make a difference. So this is my inspirational epiphany for the morning, go out there and make the world better than you found it.