Learn from my Mistakes..

It is very easy to see a situation clear as day when you are on the outside of it.  For obvious reasons, when you are involved in the situation, you are too close and too filled with emotions to see subjectively.  But what happens when someone you love is in a terribly toxic relationship?  Sure, you can see it, maybe they will even listen to you and leave.  Many moons ago I was not in the healthiest of relationships, all of my friends and family saw it, voiced polite concerns, but it was only after I found my strength that I was able to completely remove myself from it.  Years later I have seen some of my friends go through similar situations, make the same excuses I did, justify and rationalize irrationalize behavior, and I just don’t get how they do not see it.  Everyone was so quick to see it with me, that I am so surprised that no one can see it for themselves.  But, with that in mind, I decided to help y’all make lemonade from my lemons, and compile an obvious list.

Love shouldn’t be isolating- There is no reason why you get into a relationship and suddenly disappear off the face of the earth.  Sure, you see people less, as you factor in a new person (timesuck) into your life, but you shouldn’t suddenly stop texting/talking to your friends and family altogether.

Love shouldn’t change you- Again, everyone changes a little bit in relationships, but this isn’t Runaway Bride, you should be confident in yourself enough to know what your bad habits are and only change those.  I mean, if you get into a relationship and that person suddenly starts changing everything about you (slowly, of course, that’s how control is kept..) you should really question their motives; why did they fall in love with you in the first place if they’re now trying to change everything?

YOU CANNOT MAKE HOMES OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE- I really cannot stress this one enough. You CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT use people as an escape.  Again, love and relationships of any kind are supposed to enhance you.  They are supposed to bring out the very best of who you are, and the potential you can reach. You need to love and respect yourself [even a little bit] before anyone else can.  No one's love for you will replace an empty void if you don't love yourself.

Everyone is born with Free Will. Don’t ever let someone take that away from you- Short of addiction, murder and breaking the law, you should be able to make any choice you want to with your life.  A relationship should never dictate whom you can speak to, what you can wear, what you can post on social media, or even what you eat.  This all sounds crazy and obvious, but there are sociopaths out there in the dating pool that so subtly suggest and change these things about you, in a toxic relationship, in such a way that you won’t even realize they’re trying to control you, not trying to help.

Love doesn’t feel guilty-  No relationship should ever manipulate your feelings, that isn’t love! If you do something wrong and you feel guilty for it, that’s justified.  However, if someone constantly attacks everything you do and makes you feel guilty about something that no normal person would feel bad about, that is a control tactic and not okay.

At the end of the day, you cannot help who you fall in love with, and only you know what you can and will tolerate.  But just know that no one ever deserves to feel victimized in a relationship.  No one should ever be punished or isolated or feel like they are alone and it is just their relationship and no one else in the world.  That isn’t love. 

My freshman year of college my psychology professor said sociopaths isolate you from your friends and family and that is how they ensure you will never leave them, because where else would you have to go?  That lesson has stuck with me for a very long time, and seeing people close to me go through it, it breaks my heart.  So if my silly little bullet point blog could help even one person to an epiphany, that will be worth it to me. 

Know your worth, know your circle is always there for you, and know you deserve love.  Never settle, never lose your identity, and know you are never too far to come back.

xoxo