Hunger Games 2016

My mother seems to think I’m joking when I compare dating in 2016 to the Hunger Games, but I’m sure my fellow singles can back me up. The dating scene is a giant competition while you’re also constantly avoiding crazies trying to kill you (or at least kill your vibe.) 

The issue that I find with the dating scene, is that it’s really confusing.  Dating in 2016 is based in ambiguity and apathy.  You’re never supposed to know where you stand with someone, the winner is whoever cares less, and if you do care about someone, you’re just supposed to play it off like you don’t.  If all of that isn’t bad enough, no one goes on dates anymore.  Everyone just asks each other to “hang out” so you’re constantly guessing if the person of your [secret] affection is interested in you romantically or just wants to be friends.  My PIC[1]and I started calling these kinds of ‘hang outs’ “Figs.”  Partially because of a meme we saw of two ants eating a piece of fruit and the female ant asks the boy ant “is this a date?” and he says “no, it’s a fig.” The other meaning I took out of it is also because you’re “FIGuring out” what it all means.  So with all of this confusion, not to mention “competing” with your own gender for other people’s affection, it’s no wonder I’m equating dating life to a hostile game-like environment. 

One of the things that really bothers me about dating nowadays, is that there is no consistency.  Since everyone is trying to be the most apathetic and not catch real feelings, there is all of these empty promises and plans, and ambiguous intentions.  Listen up, boys and girls, follow-through isn’t only for your golf stroke.  Call me old fashioned, but if I want to see someone, I make a definitive plan to do so.

I have been in this situation many times in the past month, where a guy asks me on a “fig” for a certain day, but then never follows up.  Why am I specifying that it’s a fig? Because Heaven forbid someone actually asks you on a date anymore.  What happened to the good ol’ days where someone says “hey, I like you and would like to take you out for dinner or drinks to get to know you better?”  Well apparently that doesn’t happen in 2016.  Instead, chivalry has been replaced with “we should get drinks on Friday” and then you never hear from them until after Friday with a “way to hang out.” Or an indefinite plan that get moved throughout the course of the day, slowly but eventually ending in it's cancellation.

What is up with that? How hard is it to be clear with your feelings and direct with your intentions? When did it become uncool to want to settle down?

I’m not sure if it’s my town or just the very large dating waters I’m wading in, but it appears men in their late twenties-mid thirties do not want to settle down.  Instead they want to continue this charade of unclear dating.  The real message I want to leave this blog with, is that if you want to stand out in the dating scene, be clear.  Make your intentions known.  Ask a potential paramour on a date directly, follow up with them that day by confirming, make a real plan, and be honest with your feelings. The flip-side to that is you don’t want to lay everything out all at once, maybe get to know the person before you start professing your undying love (another dating mishap I run into a lot.)  But there obviously has to be a middle ground.  I think more people should date out of feeling instead of obligation.  Not that a first date should be the most serious thing in the world, but it should be more exciting than just a plan you make to fill your calendar until something better comes along. 

There are so many trying and mediocre things in life, why should finding a mate be one of them? Dating is supposed to be the fun part.  So get out there, daters, and find your person.  You may need to kiss a lot of frogs before you find them, but make it known you will not settle for anything less than a real date and some certainty. 

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[1] If you don’t know, PIC stands for Partner In Crime, and mine happens to be Tara Lynn.

Learn from my Mistakes..

It is very easy to see a situation clear as day when you are on the outside of it.  For obvious reasons, when you are involved in the situation, you are too close and too filled with emotions to see subjectively.  But what happens when someone you love is in a terribly toxic relationship?  Sure, you can see it, maybe they will even listen to you and leave.  Many moons ago I was not in the healthiest of relationships, all of my friends and family saw it, voiced polite concerns, but it was only after I found my strength that I was able to completely remove myself from it.  Years later I have seen some of my friends go through similar situations, make the same excuses I did, justify and rationalize irrationalize behavior, and I just don’t get how they do not see it.  Everyone was so quick to see it with me, that I am so surprised that no one can see it for themselves.  But, with that in mind, I decided to help y’all make lemonade from my lemons, and compile an obvious list.

Love shouldn’t be isolating- There is no reason why you get into a relationship and suddenly disappear off the face of the earth.  Sure, you see people less, as you factor in a new person (timesuck) into your life, but you shouldn’t suddenly stop texting/talking to your friends and family altogether.

Love shouldn’t change you- Again, everyone changes a little bit in relationships, but this isn’t Runaway Bride, you should be confident in yourself enough to know what your bad habits are and only change those.  I mean, if you get into a relationship and that person suddenly starts changing everything about you (slowly, of course, that’s how control is kept..) you should really question their motives; why did they fall in love with you in the first place if they’re now trying to change everything?

YOU CANNOT MAKE HOMES OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE- I really cannot stress this one enough. You CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT use people as an escape.  Again, love and relationships of any kind are supposed to enhance you.  They are supposed to bring out the very best of who you are, and the potential you can reach. You need to love and respect yourself [even a little bit] before anyone else can.  No one's love for you will replace an empty void if you don't love yourself.

Everyone is born with Free Will. Don’t ever let someone take that away from you- Short of addiction, murder and breaking the law, you should be able to make any choice you want to with your life.  A relationship should never dictate whom you can speak to, what you can wear, what you can post on social media, or even what you eat.  This all sounds crazy and obvious, but there are sociopaths out there in the dating pool that so subtly suggest and change these things about you, in a toxic relationship, in such a way that you won’t even realize they’re trying to control you, not trying to help.

Love doesn’t feel guilty-  No relationship should ever manipulate your feelings, that isn’t love! If you do something wrong and you feel guilty for it, that’s justified.  However, if someone constantly attacks everything you do and makes you feel guilty about something that no normal person would feel bad about, that is a control tactic and not okay.

At the end of the day, you cannot help who you fall in love with, and only you know what you can and will tolerate.  But just know that no one ever deserves to feel victimized in a relationship.  No one should ever be punished or isolated or feel like they are alone and it is just their relationship and no one else in the world.  That isn’t love. 

My freshman year of college my psychology professor said sociopaths isolate you from your friends and family and that is how they ensure you will never leave them, because where else would you have to go?  That lesson has stuck with me for a very long time, and seeing people close to me go through it, it breaks my heart.  So if my silly little bullet point blog could help even one person to an epiphany, that will be worth it to me. 

Know your worth, know your circle is always there for you, and know you deserve love.  Never settle, never lose your identity, and know you are never too far to come back.

xoxo