Be Strong, But Do Not Be Hard

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”

That is my favorite quote from Kurt Vonnegut.  I happen to think it is hauntingly beautiful and quite profound. In a world that is constantly presenting reasons to be sad or hurt or hateful, you must still find the positive. In my opinion, this quote can be applied to all factions in life. . . for example, my favorite educational topic, DATING!

The dating game is a tough one because you need to learn from your past mistakes, but not let them make you hard, bitter and jaded for the next brave soul who comes around.  There is also another factor you need to be juggling; being strong vs. being mean.  Sometimes you meet people or you enter a relationship, and it is not what you need at the moment, and even though you care about person, you cannot stay.

Let’s say you meet someone and you want a relationship and they want something more casual, but they’ll send you mixed signals, treat you like a significant other, but then disappear for weeks or say they don’t want anything serious; this is when you need to be strong.  That does not mean they are bad and you should be mean, that just means they are bad for you and you should walk away.  You can have love for someone, they can be great, but that does not necessarily mean they are great for you.

I know firsthand, it is very hard to walk away from something you want, and I know a lot of friends that are in the same boat as me.  Unfortunately, and please heed this warning dearest daters, you cannot save people.  You need to love someone for who they are and where they are at the present moment, not who you can see them being.  That being said, when someone tells you they aren’t looking for anything serious or they don’t want to be with you, but they still reach out to you here and there, you need to believe them.  Be strong and ignore them when they reach out.  I’m not saying you need to be mean to that other person, but you need to be strong enough to walk away from anything that isn’t right for you. 

Some people I know would argue that you should wait around, continue presenting your best self, take care of the other person and hope they see how great you are and you win them over.  While that plan could work, my rebuttal is why on earth would you want to be with anyone whom you have to convince to be with you? We have all been in those unrequited love situations; where you are infatuated with someone and they are infatuated with the attention you give them so they give you just enough to keep you hanging on a line but not enough to think you have a chance. That is not fair to you, and really, do you want to be with such a narcissist?  Being in a relationship should not be means for an escape from yourself.  You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else, and the people that go around only loving others for how much they love them are people that do not love themselves; thus they can never truly love you the way you deserve. 

Everyone should love themselves and to have someone love them for who they truly are, not just how you make them feel.  Love yourself enough to not settle for anything less than someone who knows what they have when they have you.  Do not chase after someone hoping they will change their mind about you.  Go out there and be your best self and do everything you want to; be happy with yourself, and you will find someone to complement you.  You should be with your counterpoint who also loves themselves enough to be confident with their life and not look for an escape into another person.   

Be strong enough to walk away from anything or anyone that does not suit you, but soft enough to welcome the right person into your life.  Personally, I rather not play in the band at all than play second fiddle, so I know I will not wait around for anyone to change their mind about being with me.  Life is all about timing, and if you do not catch the prize the first time, you may not get another chance.  That is how I look at myself, and you should too.  Never let anyone be your priority when you are just their option; you are more special than that.  So go put yourself out there, embrace the beauty of the world and love, but do not waste your time on anyone.  You are unique and exceptional and magnificent, shame on whoever does not see that the first time.  Be strong, be soft, and gladly embrace every opportunity you are faced with, for better or worse.