I have been in a serious and long-term relationship for a couple of years now, so I have been out of the ‘dating scene’ for quite some time. My brother, however, the eternal player that he is, has taken his dating plight to the internet to maximize his dating potential [in true Barney Stinson fashion]. After making a very blunt ‘I’m just looking to hookup’ profile, he decided to change his approach and make it a little more ‘crowd friendly’. In the meantime, we wanted to see how other men approached women on a generic (FREE) dating site, so we decided that I would make a profile and see how people responded.
Now, this is funny for a few reasons.
1-I tried to be as honest as possible, but I am ridiculous so I made sure my crazy was ALL over my profile
2-I am in a relationship so nothing is ever going to happen other than research, this awesome blog, and a good laugh
3-the responses that followed were some of THE MOST amazing things I have ever come across.
I really think if any of the people messaging me met me in a bar, they would never say half the stuff they said let alone actually approach me. I am a force to be reckoned with in person, and I tried to have that displayed on my page from the very beginning. Ie- my username expresses my detest for Hipsters.
So. I make my ridiculous profile, don’t add a picture and wait. I can tell from my ‘view who’s looking at you’ bar that I’ve gotten a few eyes. I received a few generic messages ‘you sound intriguing. Lets chat’…. ‘Where are your pictures? You sound like you can be cute.’ And a few other generic templates Then of course I got the WAY too inappropriately forward ‘I’ll give you da best d*k you eva had gurl.’ Or the ‘Hey lets makeout.’ Now I am no casanova, I usually like to say things just to make myself laugh and if it DOESN’T creep people out, then we’re good. But honestly, who are they trying to pick up with these lines? If you’re just trying to be a creep or ‘get it in’ or if you’re 19-21 . . . go to a bar. There is no need to be creeping on the internet if you’re young, you can go to a bar for that shtuff. And if you’re just trying to hook up [be it making out or ‘getting it in’] then GO TO A BAR! I am not going to give up my safety (I’m speaking for women in general here) and meet you in person JUST to make out or roll around in your [probably bed bug riddled] bed with God knows who else’s excrement’s.
Day two. I upload my picture..just 2 and see what happens. I feel like a little scientist, lurking behind my computer safe and sound giggling waiting to see what hilarity will ensue next. I get A LOT more bites than I did without the picture (obviously. Hahaha). Now I’m getting people who are impatient and feel the need to message me TWICE, Now the problem with doing that is you seem desperate and VERY needy. If I were looking for anything, it wouldn’t be found in some average looking guy continuously telling me where he’s from and offering to hang out or sending that and then ‘let me know when you’re ready’. Obviously. I know I’ll let you know IF I want to hang out, the thing is, TAKE THE HINT. . . I DON’T want to hang out!
The trick with internet dating is that you need to REALLY be critical in your self-evaluation. Yes, there’s no harm in trying, but if you’re a 5, don’t go for a 10. It’s just uncomfortable for all parties involved. I am in no position to knock anyone for their looks and I am not the kind of person to be openly rude to someone just for being ugly-- but if you’re going to be rudely persistent, creepy or straight up dirty . . . kiddo I am going to call you on it. It is a known fact that in every relationship there is a reacher and a settler , but sometimes you have to know what’s reaching within your reach and what is REALLY reaching. If you’re a ‘4’, you can probably reach up to a ‘6’, and that is if your personality is dazzeling and whatnot. But if you’re a ‘4’ to reach to a ‘10’? That is just blasphemy. Even if you’re a 7 sometimes reaching for a 10 is iffy. And me, I’m more about personality than looks, so my number scale can go for either personality or looks [depending on how superficial I feel in the moment. . . .JOKE].
Everyone tells you when you internet date you need to know what you want, who you are looking for, be yourself, be honest, yadda yadda yadda. What they don’t tell you is ‘hey. You have a very short window to convey yourself to someone else.’ I’m not talking about the bio, I’m talking about writing a message! Writing a message is hard, you never know what to say or how to say it. The written word is hard; Will my joke come across as a joke or make me sound arrogant? They haven’t responded in 30 minutes, do they not like me? Everybody just needs to relax. It is just as hard to come up with a response as it is to initiate. But if you have the wrong opening email, chances are you are not going to get the opportunity to redeem yourself in a follow-up without pummeling your interest’s inbox.
So before you take your love search to the risky road of the internet, THINK. Think of all the cheesy pickup lines you’ve heard/seen/used in the past and think of how they will be perceived how much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice! I’m so and so. If you’re cute, you can use things like that. If you’re not, it doesn’t come off as ‘cute funny cheesy’ it comes off as ‘what a creep he thinks he has a chance.’ So, like any other life endeavor, know your station in the hierarchy. Do not reach too high unless you want to be stunted into embarrassment by someone who thinks they are hotshit and probably aren’t.
As this blog is being written in Real Time I will keep this as a re-occuring segment in my posts. Every so often I will create a new blog on the same subject matter with my new findings. The ocean is very large, my dear readers, and thus there are plenty of fish. I will let you know the do's and don'ts of getting around the web 'watering hole', because clearly the usual 'in person bar moves' are no longer as adequate. Tune in next time, love lust readers. Keep up the optimism! xoxo
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