Anyone who’s been in a relationship before knows there are only
two ways it can go, you either stay together forever and get married, or you
break up. Both options, while on
opposing sides of the same coin, are extremely intimidating and scary; forever is a really long time even when you are absolutely certian of the person, but breakups really hurt.
For the inevitable relationships that end in break up, that poses another two
options; either you break your partner’s heart or they break yours.
Regardless of who actually pulls the trigger, the end result is the same, you
both end up hurt. Sure, there is always going to be someone who is more
hurt, someone who was disillusioned into thinking the end was not near, but
even if it is just for a brief moment, both of you will hurt.
It is okay to be sad and wounded though. Feel it, take it
in, that’s the thing about
pain, it demands to be felt[1] . No one is saying that you
should not mourn your past relationship, even if it was your choice to leave
it. Yet, every relationship is a learning experience. Once you are
done wallowing in the remnants of your failed relationship, pick yourself up and
get ready to try again.
Breakups and being single are a rite of passage for everyone, no
matter the age. You are constantly learning things about yourself and
what you want out of your relationships with others. What I have learned
from my relationships over the past 4 years is that not everyone wants to be
fixed. You cannot save everyone, especially when they do not want to save
themselves. Yes, relationships are about support and codependence [in a
healthy and helpful way] but you cannot force someone to see their flaws and
better themselves if they do not want to.
I have always been a saver in life; I see people drowning in a sea
of despair and I am right there in the thick of it trying to swim them to
shore. Unfortunately for me, as with most
panicked people and misery loving company, that often ends up in me being the
one to drown. That is okay though, I
rather be the hopeful realist than wallow in my own self-pity and the drama I
created without having any self-awareness or responsibility for the
situation. My largest flaws are giving
too many people the benefit of the doubt, making excuses for other people’s
flaws, and not protecting myself enough.
I see the world through rose colored glasses in which I think because I
can see the better in people, they will want to be that person too.
While that often leaves me temporarily heartbroken, it does not
leave me discouraged overall. Once the
initial pain of the breakup and its aftermath subside, you have to pick
yourself up and move on. This is the
time, I find, to be in the best place! You are surrounded by grace and endless
opportunities; you get to rebuild your life the way you want and you get to
change all the things that caused your last relationship to fail so you will not repeat the same mistakes. Relationships are mainly about compromising,
not changing yourself per se, but compromising enough to know how and when to
choose your battles. At the end of each
relationship you are left with more information about yourself; who you are, who
you want to be, the type of person you want to be with, and moreover what you
can and cannot compromise on in life.
As sad as each relationship’s end is, you need to find the silver
lining and lesson in the breakdown, because the truth is you will go through a lot of breakups in your
life. The deal with relationships are,
they do not work out until the one that actually does [thus resulting in a ‘forever’
relationship]. Relationships, while
work, should be fun. You’re going
on a journey with someone else, for an undefined amount of time, and in
the process you are learning about them, yourself, what you have to offer to
other people, and getting to experience new parts of life that you probably would not
have done on your own. Each person who
you encounter in your life has a purpose of some sort; most are just lessons or
white noise until you meet the game changer, the one who is so undeniably made
for you.
That is how I feel, anyway.
Whenever a relationship ends for me, although I do get sad, eventually,
when enough time has passed, I get hopeful about being one step closer to
meeting the forever prospect. So, daters, when you find yourself thrown
from that bicycle and you are sitting in a ditch all battered and bruised with
your heart in your hand, just remember . . .each relationship fails until the
one that doesn’t. And since the one that
does not end in breaking up is going to end in eternity, enjoy the right now! This is your time, the best time of your life, enjoy the learning experience and trust the process. Just remember, my hopeful romantics, any time you are heartbroken, pick yourself up, dust yourself
off, and get back on that bicycle!
Later, Daters, Enjoy the ride.
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