Lessons I learned from dating a Veteran

There have been a few articles about the ‘pros and cons’ of dating a ‘Generation Y Military Man[1]’, and while some of them are better reads than others, I felt I needed to weigh in on it.  I am solely speaking from my experience with my veteran friends as well as a past paramour.  This list is not simply pros or cons, but it is more of an outline as to what you may potentially go through to be in the life of a Veteran/Serviceman.

Breaking the Barrier

The military teaches you to trust your unit, and seldom others (outsiders).  You are meant to be extremely close with this group of people and everyone else is simply on a need to know basis.  You will not get more details than necessary on anything unless you dig and ask for them.  It is a lot of work to break down the barriers and gain enough trust to get them to open up and be vulnerable.  Trust me, it is worth the effort.

Shut Down
Do not expect this vulnerability to come quickly and come without setbacks.  If he comes to you with a problem, chances are he'll talk about it until he no longer wants to and then go into lock down.  Be patient, keep digging at those walls; eventually they will tumble down.

Band of Brothers

You need to understand that the military, in all of it's branches, is a brotherhood.  They will never have closer relationships than those they formed in the military; that is not a good thing or a bad thing, that is just a matter of fact, so that is something you need to understand.  If you're not the most secure person and cannot handle his friends being extremely important, than maybe dating a military person is not for you.  It is not a competition between his military friends and you, they are people who shared a very intimate part of his life, and you should want to be close with them too.

Loyalty

Many creeds through the branches reference loyalty or unity.  Military men are used to their band of brothers, and are bred to be loyal and protective.  They will love you fiercely and be the most faithful companion, if you can promise the same in return. 

Air of Authority

Some branches of the military (I’m looking at you, Marines) have a feeling of superiority over others.  Granted, that is earned due to the nature of their work and how much they put on the line.  However, in the civilian world, or in a relationship, it may be a little hard to deal with.  Their way is the best way, because they do know best.  This mentality is certainly more evident if they are coming from a higher rank; it is increasingly difficult for them to ‘fall in line’ with civilian life (i.e.-starting at the bottom level of a new job).  You need to understand this and realize how difficult it is for them to 'switch off' the military mindset.

Not all wounds are visible

Not every soldier comes home with PTSD.  Even if they have seen their fair share of battle, not everyone is going to come home worse off.  However, for those that do, there is nothing wrong with that.  Just keep in mind that the chances of them wanting to open up and talk about it, let alone seek help, are slim to none.  This will be trying for you, but imagine how they feel.  Expect sleepless nights, and bouts of being on the receiving end of awkward silences.  These things happen.  You need to try your hardest to understand, get them to talk about it (probably to a professional) and pretty much avoid all ‘triggers’…like war movies.

Fun Facts

They have likely traveled parts of the world you have not, and can tell you facts about different cultures/countries/states.  You will be inundated with more random facts about places like the middle east or the south than you care to cram into your brain.  Trust me, eventually, they will come up and be useful tidbits.  I won a round of trivia just because I knew dinar was a currency in Bahrain.  I also never heard of Bahrain before talking to my vet ex and now it constantly comes up.  Fun facts are everywhere, and it doesn’t hurt for you to sound more worldly too!

Events

Two words, dress blues. Both irresistible and ensures you are going somewhere classy and fun.  Not to mention whenever your beau is in his dress blues, he gets perks that civilians just don't get.  It could be exclusive access to events, free drinks, free entries, even just people thanking him for his service, these are all nice things that come with the uniform.

Pride

I am a sucker for someone who is passionate about what they do.  I love my job and people can immediately tell that whenever I begin speaking about it (which is all the time).  Servicemen and veterans fight to defend our country, they are modern day heroes; if that’s not something to be proud of, I’m not quite sure what is!

Navigation

They are used to being thrown into countries and situations where they are unfamiliar.  So when traveling, always expect to have a great navigator around.  This is their forte, being able to navigate around unfamiliar terrain.  Everyone is good at something.

Stereotypes and Questions

My biggest problem with all of these articles is that they stereotyped, over-generalized  and made blanket judgement on the military and veterans.  Each case is different as every person is different.  However, just for the sake of manners and being polite, you never want to ask a military person 'did you ever kill someone?' I have heard of people doing that and every single time I just look stunned and get secondhand embarrassment.  It's rude, unnecessary, cruel, and really, why would you want that person to relive that?  Veterans and active military members have lived through more things than us civilians can realize, be mindful when asking questions.  Yes, ask about their service, ask about boot camp, ask why they joined the military, their favorite place to visit, their funniest story, what they missed most; ask nostalgic questions, do not ask questions that can be perceived as malicious or make them withdraw.  No one wants to be reminded of tough times in their life no matter who you are.

Basically, dating a Generation Y military man is no different than dating anyone else.  Sure, they have baggage, but don’t we all?  Theirs may be unimaginable to you, but that does not make them any better or worse.  However, you do need to be aware that if you are dating a veteran or 'military man', there is a lot for you to understand.  You may have to jump through hoops to initially earn their trust, but once you do, you will get the most loyal companion you will ever have.  Oh dearest badge bunny, dating a veteran/military man is not all for giggles, it will take work and a lot of patience; but if you are interested in the person and not just their uniform, then they are definitely worth the pursuit.  We all have our short comings, our walls, our guard up, perhaps some of us more than others, but that just makes the journey more interesting.  Take everyone you meet with an open mind, graceful heart, and hopeful eyes.  Veteran, active military, 'Joe Shmoe' off the street, everyone deserves a fair chance with no preconceived notions.  So if you want an entertaining read, read the 3 articles in the footnotes along with mine, but if you are lucky enough to meet some of our country's finest fighters, do not use any of those as 'guidelines'.  Just be a decent human being and you will get decency back. :)

EDITOR NOTE: This blog was discovered by Task & Purpose and posted to their blog. Task & Purpose is a blog made by Hire Purpose, a company created by military veterans to bridge the gaps that exist from transitioning from active military to civilian life.  The edited and published article can be found here: http://taskandpurpose.com/9-smart-tips-dating-modern-military-men/

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[1] http://thoughtcatalog.com/jamie-perry/2013/11/5-warnings-for-dating-a-generation-y-military-man/

http://thoughtcatalog.com/caitlin-attal/2014/06/6-reasons-to-date-a-generation-y-military-man/

http://taskandpurpose.com/seriously-though-heres-date-modern-veterans/