Drowning in the Ocean

Now that I have your attention with this morbid title, lets dive into a subject equally as morbid . . . dating! I know this topic comes up a lot on my blog, but it really is just because I go on so many awful dates I feel like I need to write about it to 1) laugh and 2) warn the guys out there of how NOT to act.

So, I will proceed.

First dates are awkward, no matter what.  Personally, I do not really care for a dinner date because I get weirded out eating in front of new people and I feel like the whole situation is tense to begin with.

The best first date I have ever been on was the most creative date ever.  This boy I was seeing (yes, we started seeing each other before we went on an actual fancy date) took me to this indie art gallery for the British Graffiti Artist Banksy, and then took me to a diner.  Now, I was 19 so the diner wasn’t swanky but it was in Manhattan and that was cool enough for me.  I had a really nice time on the date but because I am a whackadoodle in my own right, I got weird when it was time to eat and he thought I wasn’t having fun.  Luckily anyone who knew me for 5 minutes back then knew I had weird quirks like ripping apart sandwiches before I ate them in public, so me and him were able to move on from it.  Now as I am older I have gotten better about that and don’t really care much anymore, I just continue to stuff my face like a pig because whatever, I love food.

However, recently I went on a terrible dinner and movie date and the awkwardness wasn’t even my fault!  So now that we have some background on how awesome and weird I am and how I triumphed over my beginner date awkwardness, let’s continue.  While I am less weird now, first dates are always weird.  You never know the person’s exact intentions, if they like you too or are you just trying to feel each other out, do you have something in your teeth, do you order a drink, do you kiss goodbye? I never know what is going on, but I’m good with reading situations so I just go with the flow. 

Now that I am an adult, I do not expect the poshest of places, I’m not asking anyone to drop 2k on a date, but I do have some standards.  So when a 28 year old man asked me to dinner and a movie, I figured a dress and sandals for a Sunday funday would be appropriate.  This date was doomed from the beginning.  He told me he would be at my house at ‘about 6’ yet showed up at nearly 7 without any call or text; luckily I was with my friends so I did not care, but still, RUDE.  Sure, he picked me up from my house, got out of the car and kissed me hello on the cheek, so that was nice.  Yet the kiss of death, other than being tardy, was that he was wearing an obnoxiously bright Abercrombie tee-shirt, jeans, and rainbow flip flops.

HOLD UP.

Yes, I said rainbow brand flip flops.  We live in the boroughs, this isn’t Florida, there is no reason to be wearing flip flops and certainly not on a first date.  Girls are different, and sandals are different.  Mine had cute little rhinestones all over them and were appropriate for the concrete jungle.  His were appropriate for a frat house brofest or some Cali beach bar, definitely not first date material.  But, I really wanted to see the movie so I wasn’t going to bail at that point; my friends tell me to give everyone a chance. 

We drive to the neighborhood where the movie theater is and he asked if we could eat around there—sure, no problem, there are nice restaurants around there.  But where do we go? Applebee’s.  That place is fine if you’ve been dating and you’re having a casual night or lunch or with your friends/family, but on the FIRST DATE? Seriously bro, pull yourself together! Before we even got in to the restaurant he proceeded to fight with the 18 year old valet boy because he did not want anyone parking his car (why not park on the street then, buddy?) and this poor kid finally caved in and just let him park.  As if that wasn’t a mortifying turn-off all on its own, when we walk in to the restaurant he sits at the bar and begins looking at the drink menu.  The more and more this ‘date’ went on, the more I realized it was like a friend date and not a date at all, or at least in my eyes.  He then flirted with the bartender, got a PINK long island iced tea, downed that and then ordered a beer, with a side of food.  I used to bartend and my top rules were 1) men only drink clear, gold or dark drinks and 2) no one of age orders a long island iced tea. EVER! But more importantly, who orders a long island iced tea (which has 5 different types of liquors in it) on a first date? Especially when they are driving and especially when they are supposed to be trying to make a good impression.  He scarfed the drink and his food down within 30 minutes and scurried out of the bar and to the movie which we were now late for.   We get to the movie which I was previously so excited for, the company excluded, and we are second row from the front!!! Anyone that has ever been to an Imax movie [as if they make regular movies anymore, ha!] knows that sitting in the orchestra seating is like staring at the sun while scratching your eyes out.  It is just awful.

As predicted, the movie was amazing and that made up for the fact that I wanted to slap my company in his dumb drunk face.  Once the movie finished I was happy off the high of the movie and glad the awful date had come to an end.  Luckily I was able to get home with just a handshake and a ‘thanks’ but needless to say no future texts were responded to. 

If you have missed the moral in this blog [because lets face it, all of my blogs have a life lesson or act as a PSA], here it goes . . . When taking a girl on a date, be prompt, dress to kill (hearts, that is), don’t get hammered and always take time into consideration if you’re on a schedule, events get crowded!  Also, feel free to talk about yourself, obviously you’re on a date to get to know the person, but if all of your stories are about how you and your friends are getting mangled on a Tuesday night, you need to grow up.  I do not date younger guys and quite frankly I am too old for the ‘party girl scene’ to intrigue me anymore.  Be yourself, but if that is the guy that drinks pink long island iced teas at a bar during ‘dinner’ then maybe you need to reflect on the person you are and accept the fact that you probably should be alone forever.