Cut. It. Out.

Exes, we all have them, some more than others.  But the real question is, when is it appropriate to keep them in our lives and when is it appropriate to cut them out completely? 

F. Scott Fitzgerald said “There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.”  I wholeheartedly believe that statement.  There are different degrees of love and relationships, and not all your relationships will be the same.  I have had long term relationships that were less serious than ones that have lasted a fraction of the time.  That may have to do with where I was in my life, where my partner was, or just the sheer fact that the intensity and chemistry were more prevalent; but whatever the case, in my experience, all my relationships are different.

As each of my relationships were different, my relationship with each ex is different.  I always took the strong stance that no ex has a place in your future.  Once your relationship ran its course, all ties should be cut.  I mean, what really is the point of keeping them around?  It will only make the new person you’re with feel bad and insecure.  Plus, for those of you that confide in your exes, you can never be sure that they have an unbiased opinion.  After all, misery does love company! 

At least, that is how I always felt.  But again, there are always exceptions to the rule.  I have been in several relationships in my life, some more serious than others, and for the most part, I no longer have contact with those exes.  We do not speak, we don’t really run in the same circles so that is not a problem, and we do not have social media contact, because why does anyone need to see what I am doing with my life and visa versa.  However, back to the exception part, I have one ex that I am very good friends with.  Any time we talk it is with a purpose, even if we do end up making random small talk for a bit after, and whenever we do see each other it is never awkward or uncomfortable.  We were always close friends, and while we do not declare that via social media, we are still friends enough with each other to be supportive when life goes south.

What makes our friendship nonthreatening and ‘work’ is that there is no ulterior motive.  We are supportive of each other, helpful and genuinely happy for the other person.  That is a very rare relationship to find, certainly with an ex.  Males are competitive and females are catty, so 9 times out of 10 you can bet that keeping your ex in your life will end badly.  Either they will say something ‘nice’ which they do not mean genuinely, or they will fill your head with ‘I miss you’s and ‘remember how we were.’  That is the blocking ex, the ex with bad intentions at heart.  No one wants to see someone happier than them, and even if your ex is in a relationship, you do not know what goes on behind closed doors.  Maybe they really aren’t happy and therefore they want you to be single too, because they miss your fond memories.

Keeping exes around is always a dangerous game.  There are very few people that can handle an honest and genuine relationship with their ex.  I know, in my case, I set up one of my exes with his new girlfriend.  He came to me unsure and I pointed out how happy she would make him and all her very best qualities that even I saw in the brief times I met her.  That is the degree of love I have for him, just for him to be happy, no malicious intent or lingering feelings.  Most girls, however, do not have that level of maturity.  Even if they do not want you for themselves, they do not want anyone else to have you because then you won’t have enough attention for them.  This is how people work, we, as a society, are inherently selfish beings at our core. 

So before you go keeping your exes around for years and years, really think about it.  What does keeping them around do for you?  Is it for habit, do you not want to hurt their feelings, do they bring some kind of good to your life?  If you are just keeping them around because you don’t want to hurt their feelings, then you will probably regret that decision later down the line when they sabotage a good thing for you and scare away a new prospective.  This isn’t to say you can’t be friends with an ex, but there should be some ground rules as to where your relationship lies.  If you know you guys can’t handle being alone or going on outings together, then don’t.  But then you probably aren’t really friends to begin with.  There is no shame in being cordial with a past fling, but there is a difference between being cordial and being a friend.  Out of all of my exes, I would only consider one a friend.  That is because, while we both think fondly of our past, we know that it is not our future.  You can have nostalgia for what you shared, but there is no need to think that in the future there will be a ‘do over’ and that is one of the main problems with exes.  There is always someone holding out hope that your loving moments aren’t over. That being the case, your ex will always chime in on your new relationship saying the 'replacement' isn't good enough for you or you do not look happy enough [like you used to with them...eye roll.] 

When it comes to that kind of ex, there is no way you can be friends.  You should not trust someone's opinion who clearly has skeptical motives.  But if you do have an apathetic ex-paramour, who is more like a ‘bro’ than an ex, feel free to hold onto that one.  I've met exes of my boyfriend's who I became good friends with and never thought twice about them being fake or trying to wedge us apart.  Although that situation is rare, it is a possibility, albeit a slim one.  Otherwise, save yourself the trouble and start collecting yourself some cats now; you are in for a lonely road filled with 'just friends'.