I have been thrown back in to the dating ocean (more like a
pool) to see what other fish will think I’m undamaged and find my sarcastic cynicism
cute and endearing. As I embark on my
new journey to enjoy single life, as I have been in a relationship for a few
years, I am noticing that maybe what I think is ‘normal’ isn’t really normal.
[Before I dive in to this blog, I am going to preface this
entry with a disclaimer: I am not a sexist in any way. I love men, I would probably make a great one since I kill my own bugs and am afraid of commitment. But that's neither here nor there. This blog was not intended to berate any
gender. I am just sharing my experience
as a single woman. Take the advice as
you see applicable in your life.]
As I learned when I was 20, and so sweetly explained to the
male, if you go on a few dates with someone, you are not in a relationship! You
just aren’t. Maybe you are dating,
seeing each other, whatever you call it, but you are not in a
relationship. Never assume you are
together exclusively unless you ask.
When I was 20 I went on three dates with a guy who was a few years older
than me (like old enough to know better!)
First was a double date, then two on our own. He then ‘surprised’ me while I was out at a
bar with my brother and friends and proceeded to demand to meet my brother…as my
‘boyfriend.’ I was not a fan. Needless to say, he was put in a cab and sent
on his merry way back to Long
Island City
or wherever.
Being as that was 5
years ago, I thought things would get easier by now. I was no longer seen as a young naive girl,
so even still dating men in their mid-late 20s/early 30s should be easy right?
Wrong! Apparently, men just get older,
not grow up. No offense to the guys,
maybe I’m just prone to meeting overly emotional clingy men. Anyway, I have been testing the waters to
this new single lifestyle and very casually going on dates; and by dates, I
mean dates . . . dinner, drinks, maybe a movie, nothing crazy. [and to clarify, NO ONE gets to go to my
house, or the places I frequent.]
With all these new found dates I am going on, it dawned on
me that while there really isn’t (nor should there be) a set of ‘Rules’ for
dating, there is a common sense etiquette to follow. But as with everything else in life, no one
has common sense anymore. So I will
educate the masses on what a single woman in the city (no, not fake like Sex
& The City) really wants/doesn’t want on a date.
First off, this SHOULD go without saying, but considering it
has happened to me three times in the past week, I have to say it. DON’T BE CLINGY!!! Guys always complain about
girls being clingy and too much, DUDE, you guys are so worse! It’s sweet to
call and text cute little things frequently throughout the day, but don’t be
weird. If we just met, talk for an hour,
have a spark, just enjoy it. A way to
make sure that spark dies before it even starts is to say ‘how many kids do you
want? How much money do you make? WHEN you meet my mom . . .’ blah blah
blah. It’s creepy, it’s weird, and quite
frankly, it is one hell of a turn off.
Nothing makes me run faster (and I never run) than someone (a man) naming all of our children and
signing me up to meet his mom on the first encounter (not even a date!)
Secondly, back to the subject of texting cute nothings. Be CUTE, don’t be so cute (clingy) that your
sexuality comes in to question. If you
are a girl over the age of 15, you shouldn’t do this, and if you are a man you
should certainly never do this. Do not
ever, under any circumstances, text someone ‘Mwahh’ or ‘mwa’ or any other ludicrous
spelling. What is that? It’s just silly
and makes me wonder if I (my gender) are your ‘type’ or if I am shamelessly
robbing the cradle. It’s just weird and
creeps me out.
Let’s skip ahead to the part where you are actually on the
date. There are many ways to have a good
date, depending on the activity you choose and of course your company. Sometimes, depending on the company again, beer
and wings might be a cute date, although not my style. This is what gets me most nervous, choosing
what to eat while on the date. It shocks
me how many people (men and women) do not put any thought in to what they are
ordering while on a date. Years ago I
went on two separate dates with two separate guys. One ordered onion rings and the other ate a
lot of garlic bread, and I remember giving both of them the same look and
thinking “well I guess they aren’t interested in me, because I am NOT kissing
them.” . . . Both of those gentlemen
ended up being long term relationships for me.
But that is besides the point, and you really need to get some serious brownie
points after the fact to make up for your poor diet decisions. If you like the girl/guy or just want a kiss
at the end of the night, DO NOT eat things that smell. Garlic, Onions, FISH, whatever, don’t eat
it. My grandmother always told me not to
eat spaghetti on a date because I end up shoveling it in to my mouth and
looking like a pig. Well, I rather look
like a piglet than stink, so if you eat something I don’t approve of, off go
the white gloves, my friend! Just be conscious
of what you order. Also, if you order
something and don’t like it…shut up! Just eat it. I don’t want to sit and
listen to you complain about it, or worse, tell the waitress! I have been a
waitress, no one wants to hear your complaint, just give her a good tip and
take your food.
Related to the topic of tipping, another good way to lose a
potential is to tell her how your friends nicknamed you ‘T-Rex’ because you ‘have
short arms’. No one, and I mean no one,
wants to hear that you are cheap. You
aren’t suddenly going to become illusive and attractive to me because you don’t
spend your money. I am down for paying
for things, but cheap people? Not a fan.
I work very hard for my money, but when I go out, I go out to
spend. I know what it is like to work
for tips so I make sure I tip well. If
you’re out, assume you’re going to spend money, or ask me to split (which will
probably not end well either) but anything is better than listening to
someone complain about how much something is.
Unless it is absolutely absurd, just keep your grumbling to yourself.
While there are a lot of qualms I have with the new ‘dating
scene’, these are just guidelines. I
still prefer guys who I need to tell to calm down a bit rather than guys who
are too ‘cold’ and distant where I wish they would call/text and they never do
on time. So what I have learned is that
it is a fine, fine line, and flirty dance between being unbearably clingy, and
way too distant. Find a happy medium,
ladies and gents. Don’t start naming
your kids or bringing your parents on the first date, but also don’t take 2
hours to respond to a text (without being genuinely busy.) Welcome to the world, daters! Good luck and Gods speed.
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