Rules of Ex-gagement

These are less of a set of rules, and more of a letter to figuratively smack you in the face with common sense and send you into an epiphany.

This blog is regarding Exes.  Ex girlfriend, boyfriend, dog sitter, best friend. I don’t care.  It can be applied to anyone in your life that you need to immediately cut out and then replace.  And before you all moan and groan that you could NEVER replace your boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, because they are the absolute best in the world and you would just die without them. Let me tell you.

Shut Up.

People, no matter who they are, in some sense or another, are like shoes.  [Male or Female, you can relate to this. So, follow along]  You have this pair of sneakers [or heels] that you love OH SO MUCH.  They are the perfect color, some how fit with every single outfit, everyone comments on them because they’re awesome, they are super comfortable--you can run marathons in them-- they are just perfect in every single way. 

Well, one day you notice your shoe has a hole in it.  You ignore it, it gets super big, You try to fix it.  They can’t be salvaged, you need to throw them away.  You bitch and moan, you’re so upset…You think you can NEVER EVER in a Million years find a shoe quite like this.  Because this shoe was ‘one in a million’ (do you see the people correlation now? If not, it’ll karate chop you in the neck in one minute).  So you try a bunch of shoes on, you can’t find any…you find a pair..it gives you blisters. Whatever. EVENTUALLY, months , days, years, I don’t care, but EVENTUALLY you find a new pair and then you forget alllllllllllllll about that other pair.

This is like people. 

You never think you can live without someone until they are no longer in your life.  So, with a preface like that (yes. That was just the preface) lets get into the blog.

On the terms of a real (longer than a few months) relationship, once you break up. You should be broken up.  What is the point of keeping them around as a friend.  Isn’t that a form of cruel and unusual punishment?

………….[pretty sure it is]

Do you want to know WHY there is no point in keeping exes as friends?

1- In the beginning there is going to be the every day texts (where you’re still trying to cling to that person) that then leads into 4am booty calls or drunk text professions of love

2-It is awkward as hell for the next person.  Who wants to see the person who gave you all your trust issues and weird relationship habits?

3-No. Your ex and your new insignificant other will NEVER be friends

4- If we are talking about girls, they’re catty and there will always be that phony ‘let me show you how much better I am than you’ innuendo behind every comment.

5-If we are talking about boys, they’re territorial and there will always be that ‘my horse is bigger than yours. I’ve been there first, I’ve been there last.’ Pissing contest.

There is no winning.  There’s always going to be some awkward feeling with their name being brought up or seeing them out of (God Forbid) hang out with them is just awkward and unpleasant for the new person.  And lets hope there WILL be a new person for you..otherwise I guess this blog is irrelevant...if you plan on being alone with your ex friend forever.

I’m not saying to do what I did and mentally scar every ex you’ve ever been with just to ensure that they will not come crawling back. . . . but hey.  It’s a thought.

This has been your PSA of the day.  Welcome to reality.