When a good thing just can’t be good---sabotaging relationships.

You’re probably reading that headline and saying ‘what? I would NEVER sabotage my relationship! I love my shmoopy bear!!’ Well to you I say, that’s all well and good, shmoopy…but sometimes you just can’t help it.  You see, dear star-crossed lover, we all carry baggage with us from previous relationships, even if we do not want to. 

Every date you have gone on, every person you have kissed, every relationship you have had [from start to finish] has impacted you.  That’s not to say each impact is permanent, or at the same intensity, but in some small way, it affects you.  Every relationship we form (platonic or romantic) is a learning experience.  It teaches us about ourselves just as much as it teaches us about others.  So when we end a relationship, no matter how amicably, we do get a small scar from them to be wary of the next time . . . Think of it like a badge of honor. 

There are some things you just have to go through to be able to complain about and really figure out what you want.  Breakups, for example, are one of those things.  Once you experience a breakup, good or bad, it will change you for each relationship to come.  Better or worse, your ex has a lot more power over you than you think, and you over them [if you played your cards right].  Yet, some people get so scorned in the past that their scars are much bigger and more malicious than others.

Speaking solely for myself, I know that my past relationships weren’t ideal.  There were a dozen things I would have done differently; things I should’ve compromised on, things I shouldn’t have tolerated, things that just didn’t matter.  These were things that have ruined [thankfully! No offense, fellas] my previous relationships, but helped me grow for the next time.  I went into this year knowing exactly what I wanted in a relationship, what I was willing to give, bring to the table, what I would compromise on, or ignore, or fight for, and what I would not possibly tolerate.  Needless to say, knowing what you want out of life and being so determined to make things work the way you want them to is one of the most intimidating and off putting attributes to have.  Woe is me. . . But, I digress.

Some people do all the right things the first time in their relationship.  They are the ideal significant other, thoughtful, caring, kind.  But still, some jerk comes and takes advantage of them and ruins them for the rest of us.  These are the scorned.  They believe that since they did all the right things and still got taken advantage of and hurt, that they will never let that happen again.  I agree, dear friend, I have been there, many ‘a time.  However, that is just as bad as being the perpetual idealist.

 If you shut everyone out, you’re robbing yourself of something beautiful.  You’re robbing yourself of love, happiness, a potential partnership, and of course, the opportunity to learn! 

I was always one to keep people at bay.  I figured it was easier to have someone at arms distance than to give them the consent and opportunity to rip your heart out.  I was a cynical and jaded youth, I’m over that now.  The point of love is giving someone the power to absolutely destroy you, but trusting them not to.  That is the fundamental of any relationship, Trust.  If there is no trust, there can be no relationship, that’s just a fact.

So for all the scorned lovers out there who do not trust anyone, it becomes a problem.  You want love, you may be open to the idea, heck, you may even go looking for it, but once you have it, you’re not quite sure what to do with it.  You’re like a kid catching butterflies.  Once you get one, you either hold it in your hand too tightly and kill it, or you hold it too loose and let it get away.  This is where the sabotage comes in.  You may not realize you’re doing it, Lord knows I never did, but they’re subconscious little decisions and actions---defense mechanisms.  You may not notice, but I bet you your partner does.  Self-sabotage is, I feel, one of the worst offenses.  You see, it is easy to be mad at someone else, but sooner or later you get over it.  Self-sabotage means you only have yourself to blame for losing [the potentially] great person in your life, so you will just beat yourself up about it and think of all the ‘could’ve, should’ve, would’ve’s in life. 

This is where the learning experience comes in.

You pushed someone away? So be it.  If you really feel it was meant to be, FIGHT FOR THEM.  If they were yours, the universe will have them coming back, with some effort on your part.  I guess what I’m really saying here is, don’t be afraid to make mistakes.  Make mistakes! Make a million different ones; just don’t make the same mistake twice.   Learn from every regret, there’s no point in dwelling on the past.  If you’re sorry, say it.  If you love someone, let them know.  Life is short.  It’s inevitable you are going to get hurt at some point in your life.  It happens, it’s life! But you need to put yourself out there anyway . . . the alternative is pretty lonely.  Don’t worry, saboteur, we all make mistakes, do/say things we don’t mean, don’t think of consequences, whatever.  The worst thing that can happen is your past continuously bites you in the ass and ruins all your future happiness; and let me tell you from experience, there are worse things in life.  Life’s not so bad.Get out of your head, step out of your own way, and just be happy with yourself and your decisions.  The right person will see this and they will treat you right.

Let people in, dear reader, because without other people, life is boring.  Just make sure who you are letting in and pouring your soul into is worth it.  There is no greater tragedy in life than giving your all to someone who would not give even half their soul to you.  But you will find that person, come hell or high water.  I’m still unsure if there is a ‘one’ for everyone, but everyone definitely gets a person(s).  Go out there and find your person, and when you do, make sure you give them your very best self and never regret a thing!

'New Year, New Me'? No.

With the New Year in full force, I notice a lot of people talking about their ‘new year’s resolutions.’  Well, I don’t believe in making resolutions, being as by this time people usually give up on them, but I do believe in bettering yourself every day.  Life is about progress, not perfection!  You should want to better yourself every day, not pick the end of the year to collect all the things that are ‘wrong with you’[1] and write a list for you to abide by for the incoming year.  That is setting yourself up for failure, my friend, and I am not about that.  Slow and steady wins the race.

So, listening to all of my friend’s resolutions, seeing their lives, and knowing my own, I have put together a list for the masses.  These aren’t New Year’s resolutions; these are just ways to live a happier life.  This list is things I need to remind myself on a daily basis as well, but if I can help someone else too, then it is a good day!

1)      Stop being mean to yourself!

There is no need to continuously point out all of your flaws and shortcomings.  Everyone has flaws, there are things [be it physical, emotional or mental] that everyone wants to change about themselves.  CHANGE IT.  Beating yourself up and harping on it isn’t going to change it.  I know this sounds like me preaching, but it isn’t.  I do the same thing, but I learned that putting yourself in a negative mental space will not help anything.  It only prolongs your misery.

2)      Blowing out somebody else’s candle won’t make yours shine any brighter.

There is always going to be someone else doing better than you in comparison.  STOP COMPARING.  Once again, it does not do well to harp on the negatives.  You and someone else did not have the same tests in life, so it is unfair to you [and them] to compare grades.

3)      As long as you can look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day, you are okay.

Be happy with your decisions, they are YOUR decisions.  Don’t worry about what other people say or how they react, as long as you are happy with yourself at the end of the day, then life is good.

4)      Life IS good…no matter how bad.

Horrible times can’t last forever.  As cliché as this sounds [and yes, I am aware of how cliché this sounds] even the darkest hour only has 60 minutes.

5)      You cannot please everyone.

You can do everything right and people will STILL have something negative to say.  Forget those people, don’t let them bring you down.  If they won’t matter in a few months, if not years, from now, they don’t matter.

6)      Only you can tell you ‘NO’

Don’t let people dictate what you do.  This is your life.  If you want to go somewhere but someone who doesn’t like you is there, go anyway.  There is no reason why you should give them the satisfaction of letting them in your head.

7)      Complaining is natural

You cannot be happy all the time, that’s a fact, but you don’t need to beat yourself up about it.  I hate the ‘I said I wouldn’t complain as much’ resolutions.  Everyone complains, it’s part of life.  We are both positive and negative, they are not mutually exclusive, and that is o.k.!  Just make sure you follow the next one. . .

8)      Don’t let the negative outweigh the positive.

I have trouble with this sometimes.  It’s okay to get down and sad sometimes, but don’t be so far down the rabbit hole where it is unbearable for you and everyone else around you.  You’re allowed to mope for a little bit, but after your allotted time, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, have a drink and keep it moving! 

So that’s my list, blogfam[2]; Life is far too short to be anything less than unapologetically happy.  Be happy with where you are, strive for better from yourself, don’t let people get you down, always move forward, never say things you don’t mean, have strength in your convictions and only apologize when you feel you should.  Good luck on your resolutions, but just try to make each day better J!

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[1] Everyone has flaws!! There is nothing wrong with you

[2] All you dedicated readers are now party of my Blogger Family…Welcome to the Circus!

The Reformation of a Party Girl

As stated in previous blogs, I live in a party town.  You might as well call it Never land, because everyone has Peter Pan Syndrome[1].  Despite everyone being older and having full time jobs, the partying never stops; it doesn't matter what day of the week it is, there is always a reason to go out and drink.

 I’m not putting this lifestyle down; I spent 18-22 doing the same thing, but now, in my mid-20s, I am kind of over it.  I no longer feel the need to go out on ‘two for Tuesday’ or ‘wacky Wednesday’ or ‘Thirsty Thursday’.  It takes effort to leave my house once I get home from work on Friday, my Saturdays are always my active days, and the idea of traveling to work the Monday morning after a ‘Sunday funday’ sends shivers down my spine.  Needless to say, I am an old lady.  But I think I earned my senior lifestyle now; I spent the better portion of 5 years going out every night of the week, drinking whatever was on the menu for the evening, dancing on any sturdy table; and then I graduated college and went into the real world and doing that now is just sad.

I like to have my feet firmly planted on the ground at all times, although I do showcase some pretty sweet dance moves.  I also have acquired a taste for the finer alcohols as opposed to drinking whatever is cheap and in front of me.  However, hanging out with my peers, those that live in my town and those that do not, I am seeing not everyone is as embracing of growing up as I am.

The mid-twenty-something ‘party girl’ is not a good look.  To be the occasional hot mess is one thing, but to make that your life motto? That’s a whole other story.  At this point in time you should know what you like to drink, and not be drinking things for the sole purpose of getting drunk.  I once read an article that said ‘girls in their early 20s get drunk; girls in their mid-20s get drinks.’ I wholeheartedly agree with this.  I do not go out to get drunk, I go out to have a few drinks with friends and have a good time.  Sure, I’m still taking pictures and dancing and giggling up a storm, but I am never sloppy.  I know a few girls that go out on a typical Friday night and send the ‘what happened last night’ text Saturday morning.  Girl, pull your life together, the stage of your life where that behavior is acceptable is long behind you.  I’m not judging, to each his own, but quit telling me about how much you want a good relationship and want to have kids when you’re sitting in fetal position on the bathroom floor throwing up the contents of your Thursday night.

Everyone needs to make a choice in their life; either embrace the party scene and your party girl tendencies (if that’s your thing) or appreciate the good times that you had and close that chapter of your life.  There is not one that is better than the other; it’s a personal preference of how you see your future playing out.  But don’t put down party girls when it is obvious to everyone [but you] that you are the ring leader. The quite 'house-wife' life isn't for everyone and neither is the 'party girl' lifestyle, but we all have roles to play.

So, pick a side, and to whichever you choose, God’s speed.

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[1] Peter Pan Syndrome- Is when someone does not want to grow up and they act like a child and forgo responsibilities.  This is not cute after your early 20s.

‘You girls should have your own plane.’- Why you don’t fly a bachelorette party out with everyone else.

Last week I went on a 4 day bachelorette party to New Orleans with 9 other women.  We took the 7am flight out, a few short layovers (thanks, Mother Nature), and some Delta ‘Sky Breezes’ later, and we were feet down in the Big Easy.  However, getting there was certainly no easy feat. 

I was the first to arrive at the airport at 5:45am, only to find our original United flight was canceled.  After finding the correct party to talk to, I went down to the service station and pleaded to my new (and amazing) friend Adam at the desk to get the rest of my party on a similar flight schedule with limited distractions.  He was able to get us on a 7am flight to Atlanta with a 5 hour layover, but because my career expertise is in travel, I was able to cut that layover down and get us a 50 minute layover in Hotlanta by putting us on ‘standby’; which let everyone on board.  As we were coming down from the adrenaline high of being up since 4am and racing around not one, but two airports, we were a little chatty when we finally boarded and sat down on our flight.  Most of us fell asleep during the duration of the trip, and if we were awake we kept conversation to a dull whisper; but when the plane took off and landed we were a roar of conversation between 9 girls in 3 rows. 

Despite the Bride and I being seated next to a stranger going to a work conference, who had no problem engaging us in conversation or buying our libations for the duration of the trip [Thanks for the Southern Hospitality, Joe!], the other patrons of Delta were not as kind.  The minute we landed and unbuckled our seat belts, some cranky woman started listing off all her opinions about every topic of conversation we held.  On any other occasion her opinions would have been welcomed with further chatter, but considering she was extremely aggressive and talking to people about us and not to us, we were not as apt to hear her.  The conversation ended with her saying ‘well when you've been up since 5am..’ to which I rebuked that I had been up since 4am, and maybe she should have a drink and smile. 

This brings me to my main point, while we were a fairly dull bachelorette party, we were probably too energetic to be sitting with everyone else.  Bachelor/ette parties and other big celebrations should have their own method of travel.  Why should high energy people subject regular people who just want to nap to their shenanigans?  Even hungover on the way home from the House of the Rising Sun, we did not make any friends on the plane, and all we were doing was giggling and complaining that we had a 2 hour ride on a shuttle plane….and the fact that my banana had a hole in it.

The point being, you can have as much fun as you want, but if other people aren't having fun with you, they hate you.  Sorry, people of Delta and United, for the disruption, but now you have a good story for your own blog.  YOU’RE WELCOME!

Writers, Can’t live with ‘em, Can’t live without ‘em.

There is a constant fear when you know a writer; the fear that everything you do or say will later turn into a story.  The fear that any embarrassing move you make will be plastered around pages for people to see.  Your soul will be bare and you will be out there, in the public eye, naked and vulnerable.  If you think this is an over exaggeration, you have no concept of the internet or how what you say in a public forum resonates in the world forever.  Overly dramatic, you say? Well, this might be a small little blog, but it certainly gets a lot of traction; not just in the United States, but all around the world.  I may not have many ‘followers’ who subscribe (ie-other bloggers) but I do have a lot of dedicated readers…as my stats tell me.

My day job may be the farthest thing from writing as possible, but that’s because it is my hobby, my passion, something I love.  I want my work to be pure and fun and be my voice.  Writing is my outlet, but still, I am a writer. I repeat, I am a writer.  While this may just seem like an arbitrary statement, it actually has a lot more to do with my character than my profession.  Writers are Blessed with both a gift and a curse.  We are analytical creatures; which means we will tear apart everything you say five ways to Sunday, until we find an underlying gem in what you indirectly said.  Yes, this seems a little crazy, but that’s what writers do, we can’t help it.  On the other hand, everything we say is carefully thought out, eloquent, precise and well planned.  That attribute alone can be a powerful tool, as we can either build you up with beautiful speech, or say the most hurtful insults that will not sting right away, but eat at you for days to come.

These are the liabilities with being friends with a writer.  I have been told I have an acid tongue, stringing the most eloquent lines together to purposely push the buttons of whoever scorned me.  While some people might see that as an insult, I took it as a testament to my amazing writing and diction skills.  I have a creative brain and knack for picking obscure but poignant words.  I try to use my power for the common good, but to err is human . . . Mildly joking, I never wrongly insult anyone, but God help you if you hurt someone I care about . . .acid tongue gloves are OFF!

But I digress. While many people are afraid of having their guts spilled for the masses over pages, I seldom write about people I am close with.  Much of my life/blog are an open book as far as good bar stories, terrible dates, and random thoughts, I do not put the intimacies of my life on here.  However, if you are with me and an amazing adventure, good story or horrible dates ensue, it is fair game.  You have been forewarned.  

I am on a 24 hour Champagne Diet

Now that the awesome Drake inspired title lured you into my blog, I will get into it.  With New Year’s Eve quickly approaching, I have had a lot to celebrate.  I have spent this past year doing a lot of soul searching and reflection in my own life, and as this year thankfully comes to a close, I figured I should sum it all up.

I have learned that life is a constant learning process, every day I learn something new about myself or the world.  Any time I think I have it all figured out, life throws me some kind of curve ball; good or bad.  This year I have met more amazing people and key players in my life than I have in any other year.  Someone whom I met at the beginning of the year as an enemy turns out to be one of my closest friends now; that came as a complete shock to us both!  Another person I met as a drunken acquaintance[1] turned out to be someone promising.  Life is always funny like that, when you don’t expect anything, something big comes along.

On the same side of meeting new people, I have learned that it is okay to let go of old people.  Just because you care about someone and have known them for years, does not mean that they will always be that same person.  Everyone grows up and sometimes two people do not grow in the same direction.  That is okay.  The best and most positive thing you can do is respect that friendship enough to let it die with dignity.  If someone is no longer a good friend or a positive influence in your life, it is okay to let go.  You don’t have to tolerate people’s negativity and bologna just because you love(d) them.  That is an important lesson I have learned this year; you cannot be mad at people who don’t know any better, but you don’t need to endure it.  This year I decided I will no longer accept negativity in my life.  Being happy is a choice like anything else, every day you have to choose to be happy, and I can’t do that with toxic people in my life.  So, unfortunately to them I say Bye Felicia[2].

This year has been insanely trying; life has set me up with more obstacles, tests, trials and tribulations than it ever has, and despite some slips and minor setbacks, I think I really rose to the occasion.  I have taken all these obstacles and made the best of it.  I used everything that came my way and learned from it.  Unlike 2009, I probably won’t look back on this year and say ‘it seemed hard at the time but look how much fun I had!!’ Instead I will probably say ‘holy moly was it difficult, but look how much I learned.’  This year’s quarter-life crisis set me up for an amazing come back, and I most certainly did. 

With a new zest for life, amazing new and strengthened older friendships, no negativity, and new relationships on the horizon, I look to 2014 with bright eyes and excitement.  I am positive that 2014 is going to make way for some of the best times of my life to come, because how could it not?  An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards; well after a year of being pulled backwards, I am sure I am going to be projected forward into something beautiful.  Good things in 2014, everyone!! And definitely more blogs!

Xoxo

-LC

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[1] Don’t ever go out for an all-day drink-fest and only eat a plum.

[2] Google it…you’ll thank me later.

Battle of the Sexes- Can guys and girls be ‘just friends’?

I have had this conversation a lot within the past few months or so, so I figured it was something worth addressing.  Can men and women just be friends? No tension, no awkwardness, no flirting, just a platonic friendship. 

Most men I talk to say ‘No. Men and women cannot be just friends; there is always some underlying sexual tension at the base of the friendship.’  Well, the neighborhood I live in goes against that 100%.  A good portion of my friends are male, and the same goes for the friends of my girlfriends.   It might be because we all have worked in bars for the past 10 or so years, but to us we do not see anything weird about having male friends.  Friends are friends, no matter their gender.  At least that’s how we (my girlfriends and I) see it.  I do think, mainly in my case, that it makes a difference because my friends are older.  My friends have always been older than me; some by a few years, some by more, but with most of my friendships, there was never a feeling of anything other than friends.  If I needed them there, they were there, if I needed a talk or a drinking buddy, whether I was single or not, they were there.  However, in my [then] newly single-ness I realized that some of my ‘friends’ were not on the same page of friendness that I was.  I wouldn’t have called them my closest male friends, but I certainly didn’t see anything more than a platonic relationship there.  Yet I have found myself in an awkward one-sidedly drunken conversation where I had to politely decline a drinking date invitation by someone I thought was just a friend.

So that brings me to my next point . . . The best explanation I have gotten was ‘it has to be a two way street,' meaning both parties need to agree that there is nothing there.  Though as 500 Days of Summer will tell you, guys and girls cannot just be friends, someone will always fall for someone, whether for a minute or for a lifetime.  Well I certainly do not take that stance in this argument, but I do agree with the two way street comment; in the sense that if one person has even the slightest bit of feelings, the friendship is probably not legitimate. 

Working in a bar for the past 7 years, I have met a lot of people and formed a lot of relationships through my trade.  Maybe they aren’t the strongest friendships, maybe they are just ‘bar friends’, but I still would refer to them as ‘my friend __.’  While I am wary of girls who ONLY have guy friends [if you can’t play nice with at least 1 other girl, you’re probably a horrible person] and guys who ONLY have girl friends [what are you trying to do, start a collection of prospects?] I do think it is healthy to have a nice mix of friends, only friends, who are both men and women.