In my 25 years of life, I have never had a bad breakup. I have been sad, obviously, but I have never
been devastated or crippled for a long period of time
[i]. Earlier this year I went through a bad
breakup; whirlwind romance, started quickly, madly passionate, strong
connection, ended abruptly. Although it
was not my longest relationship, it certainly left me shattered and shaken to
my core once it was over. I felt like I
lost my best friend, all the effort I put in was not enough and my future was
suddenly a blank canvas, which
always scared me. I never didn’t have a plan in life; I was
always working towards some goal, even if it didn’t pan out, I would just
switch focus and would be just fine. Yet
this time, this time, I was left a
little shell shocked.
I have never been broken hearted for long, so this put me in
a new spot. It was February and my
favorite celebratory month, March
[ii],
was quickly approaching. As I was going
through what most people go through in their late teenage college years, I
acted in that kind of mindset; I put on my ‘big girl’ pants, head
out and proceeded to ‘paint the town red' for a month, because ‘fake it til you make it’
seemed like grand advice. At the end of
a very eventful and fun month, I began to feel even sadder than I did
before. Apparently drowning your
emotions in Green Bagels and Cider isn’t the best cure for heartache. Alas, my friends, being the amazing support
system they are, tried to distract me with conversations and fun new adventures
for us to go on. These are things girls
do when their friends suddenly become single, they swoop in with fancy outfits
and nights out or wine, makeup and movies, and I am lucky to have such amazing
friends. Yet at the end of the day (and
several months later) I realized the best thing that really could help me was
time alone; crying alone watching movies, drinking wine alone whilst crying and
watching movies, doing laundry alone and whimpering about the oversized clothes
that found their way back into my life,
this
was really what I had to go through all along.
Heartbreak is a rite of passage, and something I have always
avoided. Usually my ‘quick fix’ was to
hold my head high, dance it out and carry on.
This time, that plan failed me miserably . . . or did it?
The best thing about a breakup (and the ensuing breakdown)
is that you get to build yourself up.
Like a phoenix you have no choice but to rise from the ashes and really
get back to yourself from the ground up! Once I accepted the fact that this is
the first time I am utterly alone in a while, I was able to get myself into a
routine and make all the decisions I always wanted. I picked up a workout routine, I was at a
different position at work, I picked new colors for my house, started cooking
the foods that best fit my schedule and dietary restrictions—this was all about
me. And anyone that knows me [or anyone in my
family] knows how much I [we] like the spotlight
[iii]. Many years ago one of my friends was reading
Eat Pray Love and decided to paraphrase
the following quote for me:
‘Someday you’re
gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving.
You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life
was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it – in a
beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace.’
Now, as I have many things [like a job, family, friends and
a mortgage] keeping me in the place that I am, I felt the book was a little . .
. fictional for me. Don’t get me wrong,
it was a good story [for the parts of the book I actually read, before getting overwhelmed
with her complacency] but I just felt I couldn’t really relate to it. Again, that was years ago. Now in my life, while still not running away
from my problems, I understand a little more of what she meant. All in the same month I ended a relationship,
started a new position at work and completely overhauled my house ‘décor’ in
order to gain some control back into my life.
While I was feeling a bit confused and overwhelmed, [I hate change. I HATE
change], looking back now I realize I was in the best possible
place. No, that place was not
India. Instead, that place was just,
hope. I was standing smack dab in the middle
of infinite possibilities; my life was a blank slate, I could do anything I wanted
to. And so I did.
Being as that was 6 months ago, I can now happily say that
where I am may not exactly be where I want to be in the end, but I am so much happier and closer to
getting there. I am enjoying my journey
of life and have really learned a lot about myself, my goals, my loved ones,
and what I want from the world that I may not have previously known
before. All kinds of people have come in
and out of my life over the years, but I am lucky enough to say the ones that
have trooped it out with me from last year to this year are really the
best. They are troopers, veterans of
life and soldiers of wisdom and fun; they are my backbone, my friends and my
family. I know they always have my best
interest at heart, even when they have to fight me to see it, and they will be
there when the lights go out and chips are down. And for that, I am forever grateful. I know the people in my life now will be
there in 5, 10, 15 years, because, well, we’ve been through it all now and they
can’t get rid of me that easily!
While this time period has taught me a lot about the company
I keep, this time has also taught me a lot about myself. I learned what I will tolerate in
relationships, what I can compromise on, what I can’t, where I’m going in life
and who would be a suitable fit to take that trip with me, what I deserve and
most of all what I can’t live without. Experiencing
heartache and going on hilariously awful dates has really taught me more about
myself than I could’ve known before.
Sure, I probably should have been taught this lesson in my younger
years, since I am not new to the relationship scene, but my priorities have
changed a lot from my childhood to my adulthood and my focus has greatly
shifted. I have learned that some issues
are extremely important to me, such as religion or politics. Those things have never really been a topic of
conversation or issue before, but recently I am growing to realize that,
obviously not everyone has the same opinion as me, that isn’t a new revelation,
but also that I don’t think I could really be with anyone who’s views were so drastically contradictory to
mine.
But so it goes, life is always a learning a process; and
just when you think you have gone through all the lessons life has to offer and
it is smooth sailing from here on out, well, that’s just another lesson life is
teaching you at the moment.
[i] A
long period of time being more than a week or so.
[ii]
St Patty’s is designated to a MONTH of shenanigans, not just a day. Don’t be an amateur.
[iii]
This statement is a half joke….or a half truth.
